Lasagna 番茄波菜千層面

好久沒吃Lasagna。以前做的時候常常麵和料分開，直到前陣子用 Béchamel sauce後才成功。Bechamel sauce 需要牛奶和奶油，但是現在太少用到那兩樣材料，於是嘗試了Ricotta cheese。做值得紀念的是成功的做了蕃茄醬，沒有用罐頭。

蕃茄 3個 切丁

蒜頭 3瓣

Oregano 2 匙

Salt

Pepper

Basil 2 匙

Parsley 1 匙

使用不沾鍋

蒜頭爆香後加入蕃茄

加入香料，鹽和胡椒

蓋起來，中大火10分鐘

小綠眼吃完也沒有拉肚子 (他和美國的奶製品常常處不好)。

My dear valentine

煮了印度咖啡，開了ㄧ罐17元的酒。先去睡了。

這支酒是2009 Cline的 Zinfandel.

整體厚實、有blackberry，和辛辣的印度茄子咖哩成為很好的對比。

On the run - 港的另一邊

週六 6 miles
跑完就下雪了

Life recently

Under the glamerous blog post lies a lonely soul?
That's not quite true.

香蕉各諾拉/喜瑞兒 Granola

又到了做Granola的時候了。從上次到今天中間又做了兩次，其中一次光烤大燕麥 (oats) 和 bran，因為同事給我們添加了"水果"的希臘優格 (Greet yogurt)。

中午離開小綠眼老闆兒子的生日趴，就到CVS拍護照相片 (但很XXX的明天早上又要再去一次，因為照片的頭沒有在正中間...)。CVS的對面是一間Whole Food。

Whole Food 就像是台灣的里仁/雜貨店。大部分的東西都是organic，經過好多次都沒進去過，因為那實在不是graduate student的薪水吃的起的東西。不過因為那是間healthy store，所以就有賣秤重的nuts。也就是我們去的目的啦!

之前的granolo吃膩了，剛好有快爛掉的香蕉，所以就香蕉泥取代油，和減少糖量。

1根香蕉

4 T 黃糖

1 T 楓糖 (optional，用蜂蜜也可以)

2 T 水

1/2 T 香草精

1 t 肉桂粉

4 C oats

1/2 C 核桃 (壓碎)

1/2 C 葡萄乾

nuts & fruits mix - optional

275 F

將oats, nuts, raisin 以外的東西放果汁機，打成香蕉泥。沒有果汁機沒關係，就那叉子搗即可。

將泥和oats混合均勻後放入nuts。

接著放在鋪紙的烤盤

每20分鐘攪拌，大約烤45小時 (溫度低->時間久)。烤至乾有點金黃即可。

放冷後加入raisin and nuts/fruits mix。

T 大匙

t 小匙

C 杯

依據 all recipe 修改的 http://allrecipes.com/recipe/granola/detail.aspx

Sin food - Soan Papdi

週六參加印度友人的訂婚宴，離開時他們致贈印度點心- Soan Papdi。

打開包裝，像是一塊一塊的老豆腐。一片片疊起來，輕輕一拿就碎了，入口即化。

Soan Papdi成分糖、酥油、鷹嘴豆粉、麵粉、小荳蔻、和杏仁。小荳蔻很香，平衡酥油的膩。

一口接一口，罪惡的食物!

On the Run: 腳下的人行道，生活的時光

(就先抱怨一下，自從blogger修改界面後，我就不知道要怎麼navigate了。科技不是應該要越來越好用嗎? 怎麼越來越複雜?)

這是週三傍晚在港邊拍的照片。跑著，發現真的很漂亮。那天溫度宜人，適合跑步的好天氣。我跑了7.5 miles。這個距離對我來說有點是可以輕鬆完成的極限了。輕鬆不是不會累啦!是說跑完不會死掉的那種。


這上一個月的生活真的很充實。煮了很多很多的食物:年糕、發糕、蘿蔔糕、甜米糕，只差沒有豬血糕了。(恩，豬血糕是有點困難>"<，但是好想吃喔。在這邊好像真的沒看到過說...亞洲超市有買豬血，但是我對豬血沒有很大的興趣)。蘿蔔糕很受歡迎。先是朋友聚會上，大家都讚不絕口；小綠眼帶去辦公室，也被搶光。滷了一鍋雞翅，送個了每年去吃感恩大餐的家庭和大衛老闆(和他的室友)。做了核桃葡桃蛋糕、藍莓馬芬(每次都覺得會打成"馬糞")、烤了牛排(這很困難，我真的從來都沒有成功過)、包了140多顆水餃。水餃有韭菜老豆腐和高麗菜。有天早上我準備煎餃給小綠眼當午餐，匆忙中把一些煎焦了。但是小綠眼的同事在一個誤會中，把那些煎餃都吃光了，剩下一顆給他當午餐。

除了煮了很多吃的，我穿了耳洞!

穿耳洞這件事情想了很久，對於用槍還是用針一直猶豫不決。擔心針頭感染、但是使用槍又不被建議。費用也一直是讓我很猶豫的原因。穿耳垂要70元美金耶!真是太貴了。直到有一天我終於受不了，決定親自到我已經google很多次的tattoo parole。在這裡要用針穿只有兩個地方，一個是刺青店，另外一個是醫師診所。可是我詢問過學校醫護室的nurse practitioner，他們說學校沒有可以穿的 :(。經過我仔細詢問、再三確認使用的針頭和清潔等，終於在一種"這樣轉頭出去實在太沒種"的心態下，穿耳洞了。

其實我心嚮可以戴漂亮耳環已經很久了；喜歡小顆內斂又漂亮的鑽石或珍珠，或是誇張富有造型感，海邊超浪漫的。小時候媽媽不給我穿，長大後反而常常思考: 我為什麼想穿，到底是喜歡耳環的什麼? 現在想出來了嗎? 我想可能沒有完全想出來，但是我從20歲開始想，期間嘗試了1小時(這故事改天再說)，但是現在我已經28歲，我還在想這件事情。於是我就鼓起勇去再下課後去了刺青店，完成了心願。


一個月就這樣過了。今天穿了小黑洋裝、披一條帕西米爾圍巾、穿10公分高跟鞋，參加了朋友的訂婚宴。

發糕

今年 託小綠眼嘴饞的福
家裡做了蘿蔔糕 米糕 發糕 也買了年糕

步步高升是ㄧ定要的啦!

要加油呦

‎15歲覺得游泳難，放棄游泳，到18歲遇到一個你喜歡的人約你去游泳，你只好說“我不會耶”。 18歲覺得英文難，放棄英文，28歲出現一個很棒但要會英文的工作，你只好說“我不會耶”。 人生前期越嫌麻煩，越懶得學，後來就越可能錯過讓你動心的人和事，錯過新風景。——蔡康永

Let it snow

新年快樂

水仙開花

水仙花到家裡才不過10天多，今天中午時開了第一朵花。到了晚上時，又多開了幾朵，飄出淡淡的香氣。根也長了，像是鬍鬚一般。

蘿蔔糕

香菇6朵 泡水 切塊

蘿蔔2 1/2 lb 刨絲

紅蘿蔔 1 根 刨絲

蒜5 顆 切細末

泰國粘米粉 半包

水300 cc

醬油

鹽 2 小匙

麻油

白胡椒

蒜頭爆香後加香菇，炒到有香味

加蘿蔔們，水100 cc，炒、翻，加調味

悶到蘿蔔半熟

將剩下的水200cc和黏米粉混合

蘿蔔半熟後關火

米漿倒入，攪拌均勻

倒入蒸籠，放置管子讓水氣可以跑上來

大火15分鐘後 改中大火60分鐘

亦可用電鍋外鍋先一杯水，跳起來再一杯水 (共煮兩杯水)

但是要用10人份電鍋才夠大

小綠眼拍的照片。水仙長大了。

City in the morning

Looking over saint Paul street (left)
Convention center (right)

2012 的旅程 - 軌道的起端

這一年，我們fresh的開始。New apartment, new start.

我們很determine要在1/2好上班前將公寓整理好。小綠眼很堅持一切都要就緒，連衛生紙都必須要買好放在儲藏室。

我們很有效率，打包 - 搬運 - 整理 - 回收紙箱，只花了4 1/2天。

這是一棟1830年代的建築，其中的樓梯和設計都是當初的 (當然馬桶和瓦斯爐不是...)。

MIT 鑰匙

上一篇記錄了誤打誤撞買到的水仙

買到水仙去因為去打鑰匙。拿到鑰匙時，發現是台灣製造了。

Paperwhite 水仙花

誤打誤撞...種了一株水仙花

為了打一付鑰匙，在巴摩開了20miles才完成任務。其中一間打鑰匙的店主要是在賣酒。結帳時發現這個球莖是水耕的，所以買了一個。剛才google一下，發現是水仙。

放在水中不到一週，根都長出來了。

健康活力各諾拉/喜瑞兒 (granola)

Granola是一種早餐燕麥片；營養健康。但是超市賣的多半甜和油，堅果和葡萄乾又少。更何況，每次買都很心疼，因為並不便宜。

在我還沒下定決心自己製作前，一直覺得granola很麻煩，又要加很多油(1/2 cup?!)。有天在epicurious看到一個評價很高，又看似健康的，心裡很心動。終於到Aldi買菜時，下定決心買了almond, walnut, raisin, cranberry, honey, and maple syrup。是的...很久沒買那些東西了!

從開始到完成大約要1小時。新鮮最好吃，放了就味道也會跑掉。所以勤勞一點。一次做一週份。

食譜 (我是將份量減半，因為要一週份)

4 c oats (燕麥)

2 c oat bran (小麥麩)

1 c almonds (銀杏)

1 c walnut (核桃)

1/8 c 白芝麻

1/2 t 鹽

1/4 c brown sugar

2 T 楓糖漿

1/4 c 蜂蜜

1 1/2 t 肉桂

1 1/2 t 香草精

1 c 葡萄乾 + 蔓越莓乾

1. 將 oats, oat bran, 堅果, 芝麻等在一個深的鍋子攪勻

2.將salt, brown sugar, maple syrup, honey, oil, 肉桂, 香草放到火上加熱至小滾。留意滾的糖會發泡

3. 將2倒入1，攪勻 (直到覺得oats都有沾到汁)

4. 到在鋪了parchment 或是錫箔子的烤盤 (或用baking dish也可以，但要烤比較久)

325 度 約 30分。每次設定10分鐘，時間到將granola攪拌，使受熱均勻。約20-30分鐘，oats呈金黃色和乾了即可。喜歡香酥的就在烤或悶在熄火的烤箱一陣。

涼了後加入葡萄乾等。放到容器中

如果用cookie sheet烤的時間較短；baking disk較長。

沒乾會發霉

MIT backside of i94 card

Indian Dessert

Rice pudding (Pradeep Quin)

Milk (full)

Rice

Cardamom

Sugar

Cashernut

Sweet raisin

½ gallon of milk + grinded cardamom and start boiling; stir so it don’t stick; color (upper level) is turning light yellowish.

1 ½ C of rice (soak in water); then let napkin absorb more water.

Add rice into slightly yellow milk; keep stirring; (till expand)

Add cashew nut at any point;

When 1 ½ and ¼ turn into ½ gallon. Add the last ¼ gallon of milk.

Add sugar.

Shirkhne

Plain yogurt (Indian grocery store)

Sugar

Cardamom (power and full seed) –key flavor

Put yogurt into cotton cloth to drain water. Keep in refrigerator overnight; manually remove water in the morning till no water running out;

Add sugar and cardamom, keep stir till sugar mix. (stir till you like the consistency)

Canada Dry Ginger Ale

Canada Dry Ginger Ale

(September 9, 2011). It is very rare for me to drink sodas and I only drink a few of them: Coke Zero (hate regular coke), root beer, and Dr. Pepper. There are a few sodas that I will absolutely not drink – prefer to thirst to death – the orange soda.

My boss LOVES Canada Dry Ginger Ale. This is purely from my observations. He also drinks the orange soda and very occasionally, regular coke. I believe he does not like diet coke but I may be wrong. (This original post was written in September 9, 2011. After 4 months of continuous monitoring (stalker!), I am certain that he DOES NOT drink diet drinks). The best ginger ale I have tasted is from a local pizza shop in Baltimore City, Iggies. Their ale is stored in glass bottles and very different from the mass produced commercial ones.

I don’t think I like Canada Dry Ginger Ale very much. This is the 10^th hour into my journey. I believe I still have…23 hours. Horray for advance technology and the “flat” world.

One of my friends is extremely productive while flying. In fact, he sometimes joke all his work is done while on plane. Let’s see how productive I’ll be.

Time forward to January 5, 2012, I randomly stumble into this document. It occurs to me that I had no idea why I entitled this post “Canada Dry Ginger Ale.” In the brief paragraphs above, I made no indication that I was in fact, drinking Canada Dry Ginger Ale (or Ginger Ale at all), while I was writing the post. In fact, I did not even explicitly write that I was drinking soda. I had said “it is very rare,” which means that “in the present, the statement is true.” It is not saying that “I am drinking soda as we speak (or type).” So what was my point? I have absolutely no idea.

Although, I am very certain to say that I was not very productivity throughout the journey. I perhaps had (can barely remember) drank some beers and watched movies. Other than that, I believe the flight was terrible. I had to fight with a middle age women for a seat that I had earn, with enormous efforts.

Arbuckle's Irish Cream

下午，小綠眼說要煮咖啡。

小綠眼公司的姊姊在office holiday lunch party上送大家Arbuckle's Irish Cream 咖啡粉。這包是這週的第二種調味咖啡了，第一包是公司的另外一位姊姊給的Godiva Chocolate Coffee。我們很少喝flavored coffee，總覺得怪怪的。

煮起來還滿香，不過沒有Godiva Chocolate的濃郁。

2011聖誕限定巧克力收藏之二

Xin 回西班牙看父母，和家人至比利時帶回來的。好吃!

2011 聖誕巧克力收藏之一

同事卡爾的姊姊從義大利帶來的

Wise words to remember

Molasses Cookie 黑糖餅乾

Molasses是美國的一種液狀黑糖。(參看薑梨餅乾)

Molasses Cookie像是"冬季限定"，多半到了感恩節才開始做，在聖誕節時，屬於家家戶戶都要bake一下的。

今天終於有時間和心情做餅乾了，選了這個想做很久但是都沒有行動的餅乾。這次很認真的用了食譜上的奶油用量! (所以很不健康 XD)

1 1/4 杯麵粉

2 t 小蘇打

1 t 肉桂

3/4 t 薑粉

1/2 t all spice (丁香粉:黑胡椒: 肉豆蔻:肉桂=1:1:1:1)

1/2 t clove (丁香粉)

1/4 t 鹽

1/2 杯 奶油

1/3 杯黃糖

1 large egg

1/3 杯 黑糖漿

粉類篩過

奶油和糖打發。加入其他液體類

加入粉類

使用手沾水，製作2.5公分大小球狀，一邊沾糖粉。放置在鋪紙 (parchment paper) 的烤盤上

375 度 10-12 分鐘

沒有照片，已經被大家都吃完了!

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Molasses-Crinkles-231214

Achievement

老闆自從知道我要去到跑華府搖滾馬拉松去跑21公里後問我，你從跑步中得到什麼? 為什麼你要去做那件事? (Why do you do it? What do you get from it?)

我跟他說，這是我在一切生活和未來不確定中，讓自己維持清醒的方法 (maintain my sanity)。從跑步中獲得成就，告訴自己：如果我可以每週進行四天跑步訓練，每次至少跑五公里，維持18週，那我應該可以繼續在不知道未來在之下走下去。

那就是我的感覺。每當我到了臉書後就會有點depress。朋友們都有正當的工作 (工作，不是房子 etc)，可我還在寫期末報告。

我真的不知道自己的未來在哪裡...

Apple crisp 蘋果酥

美國蘋果據說百百種。那天買了麥金塔和羅馬蘋果，做了蘋果酥。聽說要做好吃的蘋果派(等蘋果甜點)就是買種都用一顆。

Macintosh Apple x 2
Rome Apple x 2
Vanilla 1/4 teaspoon
Sugar 1/4 c
Lime juice
Nutmeg 1/4 t
Cinnamon 1/2 t
Jiffy pie crust mix 1 1/2
Oats 1 c
Egg 1

400F 15 min, 375F 25 min
Core and slice apple thin. Toss with sugar, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, lime juice, with apple.
Mix oats, jiffy mix and egg. It will look crumble. Pour apple into glass dish, spread crumble over them. Bake.crumble

June 8

No morning meeting
Weed cleaning not thorough

June 9

Intern edu session is not schedules at a regular time.

Finish weeding and need to call for next assignment.

Are doing nothing.

The income from member shares support the operation of the farm, including salaries and other overheads. The manager makes less than 15000 per year. Intern makes 500 per month.

Anything with seeds is fruit. Peas, cucumber, pumpkin...

Beans are planted after rain when the soil is crumble yet not chunk.

Plants are vulnerable when it is watered. So too much water is bad

Peas need to picked everyday. The plants will produce more.

June 8

Weeding

Snow peas like cold temperature so the weeds are fine because they create shades.

Garlic scapes: garlic forms cloves after the scapes are cut. The scape are two weeks per season.
Idea for cooking garlic scapes: stir fry with bacon for pasta.

Management
Differences in standards make text communication inefficient. The manager text jobs of the day. But the interns have different standards and so they weed thoroughly than needed. As a result, the beds was used for direct seeding which was not the original plan.

No water irigation and so water by hands. Will is broken and not fixed, at least two weeks.

The board do not do strategic planning.

貪食

飲食的節奏亂了。無論是巧克力或垃圾食物或點心...這是ㄧ個很遭糟糕的墮落。

最近開始運動，體力變不好了。肌耐力和肺功能都退步了。退步很快，進步很難。

克制自己的慾望，不要貪吃了。

論文啤酒

Hoegaarden, Belgian wheat beer.
Sunday afternoon...ah,

胡亂寫了垃圾。根據小綠眼的說法，有寫總比沒有好。

November chill

這週我已經做了三件迷糊事了。
我先是將要寄到美國境內的信隨包裹寄回太台灣，接著寄信前沒有將開口封起來，最後記錯上課時間所以坐在寒風中ㄧ小時等老公。

照片為傍晚校園景

瀕臨絕種巧克力

中午和同事吃午餐，他太太準備甜點給我。這是公平交易的可可製作黑巧克力，非常黑，些微甜。好吃!

No impatience please

You don't get to be impatience with me. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I deserve to be respected, including being treated with patience. Go sign up for something else if you don't want to. Seriously, not joking.

Wedding cake

今天上課Politics of Health,老師給我ㄧ個經驚喜!她準備了杯蛋糕慶祝我結婚了。

旁邊的酒瓶是香檳蠟燭。

Yoga under the sky

今天的瑜珈課在學生活動中心/餐廳前上課。我們在棚內但路過的人都很好奇 。在天空下的瑜珈經驗很棒，像是被活化(liberating) .

A new adventure

A new phone. A new experience

The season

I feel vulnerable and I am not particularly well. I don't know what's wrong, maybe it is the season. I long for the sunny days when the warmth of the air cheer me up. The sense of security from the I don't know what. October is a brutal season.

I have been in this state of mind for four days. Experience tell me that why the mood comes, all I can do is wait. Patience is time, time is patience. I can only wait for it to pass by.

複製過去的錯誤

今天下班時新來的上海人問我有沒有做一個project，還有負責哪部分。我問他是什麼緣故他要問我。他說老闆要他修正總編輯給的一些評論。

總編輯要他改的是圖表中的顏色。這些圖表很多都是我做的，所以對於這些錯誤我很在意。我發現這些錯誤的造成是因為我使用上一年的圖表格式，只修改其中的數據。上一年的人到底怎麼畫錯顏色的我不知道，但是顯然複製過去的代價就是複製錯誤。我心情很不好。這固然不全部是我的錯，因為也是老闆叫我修改數據的，但也顯示自己不夠細心。

不過說真的，我看了很久還是覺得那顏色長的一樣。

驚魂記

因為小綠眼要到城裡工作，但是家裡只有一台車，所以我們要開始一起通勤的生活。今天我們6點就起床了，因為要準備早餐、午餐和洗澡。突然在6:20，我聽到敲門聲。那麼早有人敲門是很不尋常，我想大概是自己聽錯了，於是不以為意。

過了不久，門鈴響了。

小綠眼和我看了對方，我心想，大概是有人找錯門了，所以就不予理會。過了幾分鐘，門鈴又響了。這時我開始覺得很恐怖! 是壞人嗎? 美國郊區人在自家被謀殺的電影情節在腦中閃過。大門的位置剛好可以看到廚房的動靜；外面天還很黑，廚房的燈是亮的，我們看不到對方，對方卻看得到我們。我拿起無線電話，我問小綠眼說，我們該打給警察嗎，這種算是emergency嗎?我走到餐廳，發現車門口停了一台車，車燈是亮的。我心想：歐，這個人是針對我們這戶，我該怎麼辦? 這樣應該qualify emergency吧? 警察來不及來怎麼辦?! 總總嚇死人的念頭閃過。

我於是撥了911，這可是我人生中第一次撥打911。警察問我的地址，他問我車子的顏色、特徵。我回警察說，外面那麼黑，我看不出來啊! 警察問我對方的特徵，我說從家裡看不見，只知道是中年男子。警察說，如果對方離開你再撥打回來。於是電話就結束了。

對方還在外面，警察又沒說他們會不會來。我只好期待又patrol car會過來。

這時，這個男子又走進大門敲了門 (我實在快被嚇死了)。小綠眼說要上樓，我說大門旁的窗戶看得到屋內。過了不久，小綠眼說，對方已經遠離大門了。我們彎下腰，迅速地跑上樓，從客房的窗戶往外看。外面的男子帶了帽子，穿白色長褲，看起來180公分高。門鈴又響了，我對小綠眼說：我們忘記帶刀子上樓了。

過不久，警察來了。他下車後用手電筒照了那位男子，接著敲大門。我們去開門，警察問：這個人說要和彼得去打高爾夫球，他說他沒有找錯房子，你們認識彼得嗎?

我說彼得是我們的室友，但是他去狄斯耐樂園玩了。那位男子走過來，一聽他說話，神秘男子的身分終於真相大白：锵锵，原來是賣我們的房子的仲介。

他當然沒有找錯房子，因為房子是他賣出的阿。

警察在臨走前開玩笑一番 (實為抱怨，小綠眼說)，警察說：你看這人一身高爾夫球打扮 (心中os：我又不打高爾夫，哪知道裝扮阿)，又開BMW (心中os: 誰看得到那是BMW阿，更何況壞人也可以開BMW阿)，他長得哪像壞人阿??? (心中又os：壞人臉上又不寫 - 我是壞人，請遠離我)。

驚魂記於是在一陣警察抱怨，仲介無辜，我們嚇死中結束。

A Journey About to Begin

In about 9 hours, my roommate will drop me off at the train station; I will hopefully arrive at NYC at noon. For lunch, I plan to eat Pepeye's. They say it is better than KFC (no, I don't think KFC is good at all...). I'll then take Subway E toward JFK airport. It should take an hour. The flight is at 4:45 p.m., so I at least have to arrive by 2:45. This means I have to leave NYC Penn Station by 1:30.

I am so nervous.

This is probably the real me. I may seem "tough" (my boss has been describing me as the "tough sister" lately), but the inside, I am jello... indecisive...can't even decide what I should wear on the plane (Haha).

I will land in L.A. and wait for four hours. I can't decide whether I should go try "in-and-out." It is famous for the burgers...but I don't feel like burgers...maybe I'll ask the Taxi driver to do a drive-through...Honestly, I rather sit in a bar and drink Margarita. Booz...so me.

At 1 a.m., I will board the flight. It is a many hours flight, five movies maybe?

I am packed, I have schedule a breakfast date with my aunt. We'll have 蘿蔔絲餅 with 7-11 coffee. Such an interesting combination, but so me. There is just a tiny problem, I have no idea where my grandmother used to buy that.

I think I will go shop for bra and shoes after that...Problem again, I have no money. My aunt owes me about 2 grands, but the items I purchased for her is at my husband's place...Urg...

The truth is I am VERY nervous. This seems so surreal. I booked my tickets in January and tomorrow is the day...Tomorrow, I will being the journey and I don't feel prepare. Ah....

It is absolutely understandable if you have no idea what on earth I am talking about. I don't think that was English at all.

The perfect world - 就聽我抱怨吧

長期以來接了一些隨手做的翻譯工作，多半沒什麼建設性，現在也很少接了，那些文章多半很無聊又浪費國家資源。早上一個先前的客人要我幫他修改，他也附上了他"自己修改的"。看了真想昏倒。他自己(或他請別人)改了之後，中英文意根本就完完全全的不相同，也沒有使用"對仗"法，第一是有看到用粗體寫文章。

(請看以上三句，看起來混亂和沒有秩序，這就是他自己修改的英文後的樣子)

後來用看到一個親戚的FB相簿。有時我在想，同一個地點(火車上)，照了3張只有臉的照片照片、然後到了一間餐廳，又照3張臉的照片，BTW臉占了照片的1/2，另外1/2是另一個臉。這樣的照片有何意義。身為一個看照片的人，我既不知道你去了哪裡，也不知道那好不好玩好不好吃，那有什麼用處嗎? 人又沒長特別漂亮。

繞了一圈，我脾氣還真不好。這些根本就沒有什麼。

低收入戶保險年度績效評估

HealthChoice Wavier Evaluation真是一個讓人想死的。我們的評鑑/評估跟台灣的應該有點不一樣，基本上我們是幫client(我們的client就是健保局...)製作評估報告。這評估報告做了大概10禮拜。

現在每天我腦中都出現這些名詞

HealthChoice,

MCO,

Evaluation,

PAC,

Measures,

Improvement,

Percentage,

Percent

Proc freq (SAS Commend)

bar chart

辦公室e-mail inbox的每封信開頭都是

HealthChoice XXXX

阿! 這就是我的工作阿

印度電影清單

最近真是忙翻了。白天要上班，晚上要social，還有積欠半年的專題...

今天做一繁瑣的歸檔、傳照片等雜事，把一些喜歡/看過的印度愛情電影整理起來

Devdas

Shadow of Times

Calcutta, India

A 型人格

今天肚醫師跟我說他的新朋友對我的評價：追求完美以致於給自己壓力太大。肚醫師又分享他先前做grand round時看不懂paper，最後他導師給他的評語：給自己壓力太大。

我反問肚醫師一句，那他們有說如何不要追求完美嗎? (like technically, what are the approaches and methods)

有時候那根本不是追求完美，那只是要把事情給做好。或者是說，其實要把事情做好的人有時也滿可憐的，他們不知道要怎麼減低"標準"。不知道這算不算是強迫症，改天來看看DSM-IV好了。

Why?

I am so angry. Is shit-rain an actual term? (Or shit-rains, raining shit...?)

How stupid can the UPS be? World class logistic my ass. The driver obviously did not deliver the package to my door step. In fact, he didn't even ring the door bell. Yes, I am certain the driver is a he. All the UPS drivers are male, most of them have muscles and good looks. Yes, that's also a fact. My friend who worked for Fedex during college said he felt like being harassed by all the ladies and blank.

Before UPS was the carrier from USPS (United State Postal Service). The carrier was just too lazy to check that the package was supposed to be forwarded. Then the other USPS workers are just lazy as well. Seriously, first you told me it is not there; then it shows up magically and you send it to Chicago for it to transit to Taiwan (knock on wood).

And what is it with everyone in the office. The all-about-sex colleague is not doing data analysis. But it is data analysis season (it is always data analysis season). There are tons of data and you are on data analysis probation?

Then there is the other colleague who works exactly 5 hours each day (we are on 5 hours shift). Like when the clock tick 2:00, the colleague is off to do his/her own business. Really?! So then occasionally he/she works 20 extra minutes (for example), then he/she will send an e-mail (yes, you read it right) to our boss: Hi boss, I work extra 20 minutes today. Seriously, I work overtime nearly everyday. (Okay so I want to keep my job, eat me).

It's like crap rain. Ever heard of that expression? Most likely not cause I made it up.

So last week at the monthly supervisor meeting, I told my boss that "my observance (not complain) is almost everyone in our unit is unhappy." So she asked me why. I said, "well, A is unhappy, maybe because we have the annual evaluation. B has been unhappy for the past few months. C is upset. D says A is 'giving her crap' and I quote that." So my boss responded, "A is anxious because the new client is rather high maintenance. C is upset and I am okay with that. He should be upset. B needs to go home."

She skipped D, I guess there is no much to say about D.

Okay, so after a page long of venting, I now feel much better.

People are just crazy. Oh and the drugstore messed up my purchase today but I am waaaayyyyyyy too tired to fix it. For God's sake, (and forgive me for saying this), but they are just plain stupid. I am so sick and tired of them that I may as well as start using department store beauty products.

Never Say Never

標題和內文沒有特別關係，只是pandora剛好放到這首，突然覺得自己寫得出字來了。

今天，是上班甚至是來美國以來，第一次感到自己比沙子還小，是那麼孤單。

如果跑到一半卻下起了大雨...

今天我們又去港灣步道練跑步。四月小綠眼和我的目標是要從Canton跑到Henderson's Wharf Inn，來回約6.5公里。跑到一半卻下起了大雨。

小綠眼的腳比較長，所以他每次都跑在我前面。(當然他體力比我好也是一個原因啦XD)

剛開始只是毛毛雨，後來越來越大，最後變成"傾盆大雨"。衣服褲子都濕了，視線幾乎看不見。可是我的車子還在出發處，即使我要放棄，我也需要回到車上吧!

那時我深刻體會到:只要踏出去了，不管再困難也只好做完，不然要在路邊站著冷的要死等著雨停嗎?

為什麼那麼多人還是選擇要跑長跑?

因為每一次完成目標後都更確信地知道自己其實做的到。

附上跑步路線圖 (從右邊的canton跑到圖上的左邊Henderson Wharf再折返)

青蔥麵包

麵粉 4 C

酵母 1 1/2 t

白糖 1T 1t

溫水 1 1/2C

鹽 1 t

青蔥 一把 (8大支)

發 三十分鐘

翻轉 發一小時

425度 25分鐘 (需要修正 底部焦掉)

idiot proof巧克力蛋糕

這是我所知道最簡單的巧克力蛋糕，但是相當好吃:口感佳、綿密，但不硬。

做失敗是有點困難...

糖 1 杯 (白和黃各1/2)

麵粉 1 3/4 杯

baking powder 1 1/2 t

baking soda 1 1/2

可可粉 3/4 杯

鹽 1 t

蛋 2

無糖yogurt 1 杯 (也可以用sour cream)

油 1/2杯

熱水 1 杯

將粉類篩過，接著加入蛋、yogurt、油 攪勻

之後倒入熱水

攪勻 (差不多就可以)

350F 25 min

這次是用長方形的金屬盒 裡面舖 parchment paper

筷子拔出來乾淨即可

note 1: 原來的食譜用兩杯糖

note 2: 沒有yogurt or sour cream, 就用milk+ 1T 醋

沒有照片 因為被吃完了

Note安全產品

beautypedia

cosmeticsdatabase

goodguide

cosdna

the body shop aloe

loreal bare naturale mineral

city Veil

L'oreal UV Perfect SPF 50+++

小地雷

Ageless Essentials® Continuous Hydration Night

大地雷

Neutrogena Ageless Essentials Continuous Hydration SPF 25

原來在波士頓看到的人手一個菜市場包是...法國名牌阿

我不是一個關心時尚的人，是一個觀察環境的人。

辦公室來了一個法律系的實習生，他拿了一個粉紅色的Le Pliage (我也不知道怎麼念，這是法文)。後來去波士頓，看到每個妹手上都拿一個這樣的袋子。款式簡單，顏色豐富，讓我很納悶為什麼大家都拿一樣的袋子。

遠遠看，這袋子長的真普通。材質也沒有很特殊，像是塑膠布，上面有一塊皮和一個扣子，所以想必是可以摺起來，用成小小的放在書包，攜帶方便。因為LOGO實在太不起眼了，雖然拉鍊的扣環看起來有設計感，但我還是以為

"這是某個百貨公司的贈品吧!"

又因為實在太多人拿了，偏偏在巴爾地摩和紐約都沒有看到這樣平平撞包的景象，所以我就更加覺得

"波士頓的女孩真有趣。這應該真的是某個贈品吧!"

雖然我心裡覺得這好像是贈品，但有又隱隱覺得波士頓這個東北角的妹們應該沒有這麼"平民"吧。所以嘗試在Amazon看這個包是不是某個暢銷款。Amazon找尋菜市場包失敗。

就在我晚間看奇摩新聞時，連進一個網頁，哈，終於讓我看到了。

原來這個包是 Longchamp (long champion的縮寫? 長冠軍?)的Le Pliage。共有12個顏色。要價USD$145。材質：聚醯胺(尼龍)。

$145元的尼龍袋

問：尼龍是塑膠嗎?

原來我是非常白癡的人

其實我最近心情不好，這並不是什麼新聞，因為心情不好是我的專長。
只不過我在自己的網誌晃了一下，看了過去的一些文章，突然覺得其實我的生活還滿有趣的；充滿了新奇的事情(我自己這樣覺得啦)，然後又常常打出一些很白癡的話，舉一些似是而非的例子；有時咄咄逼人，而且有很多錯字。
2006年 6篇

2007年 18篇

2008年 12篇

2009年 71篇

2010年 48篇

(我剛才excel做了直方圖，本來想要依據標籤再做一個圖，但是很多文章都沒標籤。做研究不謹慎，data collect不齊全，要加強)

看完之後心情好了一點。

2010年三月有幾篇很好笑的。

孤獨

兩個人也可以很孤獨。

一個人的人多半覺得兩個人就不會孤獨。於是很希望變成兩個人。
直到有一天，兩個人中的一個人發現，兩個人也可以孤獨。

兩個人只是不孤單，每天(或常常)有個伴；孤獨卻是一種心理狀態*。

+++ +++ +++
又是一篇浪費版面的廢文。寫作是一種therapy；直到我能說得出真心話前，我都會一直處在現在的泥沼中。孤獨的一個人憤怒。uurrggghhh >"<


* 根據教育部國語辭典簡編版，

孤獨有三解釋：
1.禮記 禮運 幼而無父和老而無子的人
2.單獨
3.孤單寂寞

孤單有一解釋：
單獨無依

說再見

A time for everything
Ecclesiastes 3:1-
A Time for Everything
For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest

A time to cry and a time to laugh

A time to grieve and a time to dance

該是時候了，但其實我沒有準備好。

過去的將近一個月，白天很難專心，晚上很難入睡。躁動不安。

我不知道該怎麼辦，我不知道要說什麼。

別人的安慰是好心，可是我聽了卻很生氣。

我有很多話，多半是很多憤怒。我變得很生氣，生氣世界。

可以打包行囊滾回去了嗎?

好 所以我超遜的，只是因為機歪的總體經濟分析把我搞的要瘋掉，昨天遇到智障的店員，加上未來一整個不明朗，所以我想要滾回去了。

偷偷的走

阿嬤怪阿公是「偷偷的走」。他走的時候，小雲帶阿嬤去新光醫院門診，家裡沒其他人（約兩點多，打電話問阿公，阿公有接電話），過了下午五點，阿嬤回到家，看到阿公已身倒在床前地板上，她試著叫醒「清阿！清阿！」，接著叫小雲打救護車，通知大舅媽「爸爸暈到了」。小雲聽119建議，對阿公做CPR，救護人員到時，也是CPR；告知家屬要送醫，阿嬤說：不用送醫了。事後我看了死亡書上寫著：心肺衰竭死於2月22日下午4時。

小雲說當她回家時，先看到廚房的瓦斯有小火苗燒著，聽到阿嬤叫她打119時，去房間看阿公，阿公眼睛睜開著，嘴巴張著，手已冰冷。

阿嬤描述著：阿公已換上乾淨的內褲，睡褲的兩管已穿到膝蓋下，躺在地上，一脚直伸，另一脚彎曲著；我們推測，阿公可能是站起來穿褲時倒地的。

本週一，阿公已做過肺功能檢查，預定週三斷層掃描。

我們每人都知道該照顧自己更多，也要照顧好阿嬤。

好累

我厭倦念書，應付考試，承受教室裡不平等的權利。

學位只是一張紙

在美國工作

在異國工作的心情好複雜

要有禮貌但有不能太過於謙遜

遇到笨蛋又只好默默接受 (不然要怎樣，事後跟老闆說他是笨蛋嗎?)

寫e-mail的措辭要小心，確定用字和句意是對事不對人，沒有指責對方的意思。

適當的時候要打圓場和閉嘴。這些事情也許在職場上都是相同的，無論在哪一國。

但是當換了一種語言和文化，困難度就變得高。

華人中的禮多人不怪在西方並不適用。

不是你的錯就不要禮貌性的我不對

真是一大挑戰

Week 2 class 1

這個老師實在太機車了，所以我決定要好好記錄上課，期末evaluation時大電他一番。

He is arrogant. He constantly saying: do you know what I mean. He sets the rules that students should communicate to him in person because he does not listen to voice mails and have too many emails. He also said he will not reply to emails.

First, he does not show appreciating of students' questions, especially when the questions is simple but crucial. For example, what format does he want for the assignment. One student asked, "what is the font, size, etc?" He replied, in a way that the student asked a stupid question, " the standard size 12, margin one inch." He suggested that students' ought to think if the font is too small, it will be difficult for him to see. Another student inquire about spacing. He replied as if it is a dumb question that "it should be single space...the assignment is one page only. I don't want 250 words..."

Two, he give students nicknames. For example, he called some "math guy."

Three, he does not seem to prepare for "this" class. The slide used in this class was originally prepared for a speech outside of UMBC. In addition, this was not the topic listed in the syllabus. He said he was jump around, talking about what is the interesting topic or current. However, this course is a in a seminar format. Thus, the randomness is not all that appropriate.

Finally, throughout the class, he showed that his personal preference and interest is more important. Some examples include do not expect him to reply to e-mails or listen to voice mail (consequently, if message is not delivered, the student is accountable); set tedious rules on how the assignment should be turned in (e.g. Assignment # 1 3 Euro questions). While these are tiny things, it just show that this person is inconsiderate of others.

The classroom should not be a extreme unbalance of power, especially at higher education. Instructors and students should be mutually accountable. This is a required course for the students, so students have no choice but to take it. Is this instructor the only person to teach this course? Is this his choice of teaching it? If so, does that grant him the right to be a tyrant in the classroom?

為了我們的project，今天終於試了三件衣服。以上兩件是小綠眼沒有昏倒的。經過今天的經驗，結論是：

1. 我太小隻

2. 我太小隻

3. 我太小隻

就連2號都太會掉下來...看來我需要吃胖一點

梨薑蛋糕

Pear and Ginger Cake

去年感恩節之後，迷上於薑汁和黑蜜糖 (molasses)的香味。試了幾種molasses的蛋糕，但是都過於黏膩。

我是一個做東西看家裡有什麼再去找食譜的人，沒想到有西洋梨、薑、黑蜜糖的組合，當然就高高興興的試試。

食譜中用的allspice可用cinnamon, clove, black pepper 和nutmeg取代。基本的組合是1單位allspice需要cinnamon (1/2) and clove (1/2)。但是也有人加nutmeg and pepper。我就是每樣都用1/4單位。但1/8t實在很小匙，所以就自由心證啦。

小綠眼說很好吃，叫我把食譜留下來 (真難得)。

1 1/2 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon ground allspice

1/4 teaspoon salt

2/3 stick unsalted butter

1/4 cup water

1/4 cup packed dark brown sugar

1/2 cup molasses

3 large eggs

1/4 cup grated peeled ginger

1 pear

350度
將烤盤上塗奶油再裹麵粉 (我是用9x13x2吋
玻璃)

1. 篩麵粉和乾料
   
2. 奶油和水一起融化
   
3. 黑蜜糖和糖打勻，加蛋(一次一個)
   
4. 加粉類攪勻 (輕、柔、勻即可)
   
5. 加入奶油水和薑
   
6. 倒入烤盤，把西洋梨隨意排一排
   
7. 烤35分鐘
   

有關molasses
http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/vicky88/post/1313399872

不肯面對自己

People hate to change; I am no exception.

今天不知怎的想幫網誌換新造型，沒想到除舊布新(成語是動詞嗎? 應該是要用"欲"除舊布新嗎?)的下場就是只能選新範本，再也無法(這並不全然是正確的；我可以修改html) 在照片上寫的"Happiness Will Come Through"，然後下面接一串"成就快樂巴拉的"。(恩，我嘗試了一小時；青春阿~)

昨天出門洗衣服前開了實體信箱(有個郵差會把信件放入的那種)，收到一張明信片。隨便看了一眼，關鍵字: 西岸、happy birthday、merry christmas、寄件人XXX。

放回信箱。鎖上。

小綠眼問我那誰寄的。我說XXX。睡前，我對小綠眼說，我生日是三個月前的事情；聖誕節是兩個月前的事情，地址是三個禮拜前問我的，那張明信片寄的也太慢了。

這是數月來其中一件令我忿忿的事，但我怎麼這樣計較? 沒有感謝別人的祝福，卻想要在"明信片"上寫 "查無此人" (郵件若有寄件者地址，信件會被退回；但明信片沒有"from: whom and where"；想要寫"查無此人"這個衝動足以凸顯我的荒謬。)

與人的關係越來越疏離。"沒有朋友"是自己為了要繼續孤僻的藉口，不想與人相處或連絡才是真正的原因。必須區別的是自己並非懶惰(想要做而不做謂之懶惰)，而是不想要。

不肯面對自己。

因為逃避自己的情緒，因為不想要面對自己，所以沒有寫下生活的心得、煮的食物、承受的壓力、對自己的期許、對他人的生氣、對世界的不解。這是懶惰。

每天都奄奄一息但卻假裝很行。

突然覺得自己很可笑。

2010年 三月 星期五 紫色金剛車壞掉

It isn't really about "a broken car." It is the shock.

To say it was a trauma would be overrated.

I was on the bridge, in the car, and trying to speak. I tried to stay calm but my heart was racing. It isn't even rational. But I didn't know whom I could call for help. The only phone book I have is the numbers in my cell, and there aren't that many numbers.

I sat there waiting for my car to be repaired. The clock ticked and ticked. From 10 to 12 to 2 to 4. I didn't know if I should go ask them or if I should stay put. I didn't know how much they'd charge me. I didn't know how much it would cost me. I didn't know if I have enough money. I didn't know if I don't have enough money, would that person let me leave. I didn't have a credit card.

I remember vividly that I took 100 cash into my purse that morning. I usually don't bring cash with me. I almost brought a camera, just because I thought I might want to take a picture of dad and I at the airport. I didn't wear socks because I figure I would be home soon. I didn't eat breakfast because we left at 5:45. I only had two sips of coffee.

That day was colder than usually.

I watched MTV for 9 hours.

Then we were told that only three cylinders are working. We drove back on 295 and the temperature was too hot. The alert sound keep went off. We were told not to go over 50. When the speed is too low, the car starts tumbling.

Then I called the repair shop. He told me to go to a gas station and check the water. I don't know which is the water tank. We go off the highway, but we couldn't see a gas station. We had to make a decision on which way to turn. It was dark and cold.

Then the car cooled down but we can't get the engine to start and run. We tried and tried. We successfully drove 50 yards, then the engine went off. We were in the middle of a intersection. There were cars behind us. We tried and tried. Then we slide into a residential parking lot. We had to make a decision.

Then i called my auto mechanic's shop but it was answering machine. Then I called his Dad's shop. The number was redirect to his cell somewhere and he couldn't hear me at first. I was afraid that he doesn't know me. But then he probably did.

I called the tow truck. He asked me where I was. I couldn't clearly describe my location. He asked what streets am I on. I ran out the car to check. I told him I am opposite of Harley Davidson Motorcycle. I was outside the car looking at the street signs, Wei was yelling from the window: tell him we are opposite the Harley Davidson shop... He asked for my name and number, told us to wait around 45 to 60 minutes, then we hang up. I called again because I forgot to ask if he can give us a ride back. I also asked for his name. Then we waited and the tow truck came. It was cold. My feet were cold.

It was a fancy tow truck. Not the kind that leave your rear wheels rolling on the ground. The kind that your whole car is on the truck. The interior was fancy. I knew it was going to cost a lot. I didn't have a choice. I didn't ask the price. I knew I didn't have to pay him because the car will be towed to the repair shop and the Dad will bill me later.

What if I didn't bring my cellphone like I usually don't.

What if I didn't have 700 dollars in my checking account to pay for fixing the car a the garage.

What if I didn't have the 100 dollars of cash to pay for the first tow.

What if no one picked up the phone that morning.

What if Susannah hadn't help us find a tow company.

What if I didn't have the number to the Dad's shop.

What if the Dad didn't pick up the phone.

What if my cellphone battery died.

What if Wei's cellphone battery also died.

For the whole day, I ate a piece of bread, a hot dog, a can of root beer, a tiny candy, and two sips of coffee.

I came home at 9:30 and ate pizza and beer.

I am frightened. I can't tell Wei about this. We hadn't been able to get along for two days.

all day every day

I feel the condition is not stable but my informal therapist thinks even if it is unstable, I seem to function alright. I can sleep, can eat, can go to work, can maintain my weekly jog.

But I am in a bad mood, all day every day. I am irritable and impatient. I am tired and stressed.

I stopped going to my real therapist because the center upset me two weeks ago. It is very stupid of me. The center has to deal with one less case but I actually need the sessions. So, stupidity on my behalf.

These are just several lines of meaningless and incomplete sentences.

This is my sulking

I didn't perform very well at work today because my mind was preoccupied with the news I got yesterday. D-boss told me that Center has not sponsored H visa since 2005. This is terrible news. I was counting on a full-time job and H visa after this contract ends. Where will I go now?

And hence, while I was so proud of putting tables together without being told to do so, I completely forgot to include three categories, which means that in terms of accomplishing a task, I failed and the extra work of putting tables is useless. This is me sulking.

I am not at all excited with life. I am tired. I have countless papers to write, and tons of papers to read. I am constantly debating when and where to get gas because I don't have the cash to do it. I tell myself not to eat non-essential food because every dollar I save is one extra dollar to spend. I can write a list of things I want for birthday and Christmas, but what is the point? I can't afford to get my hair cut. I wore a skirt to work today because you can't wear the same outfit to work two days in a row. I only have two work pants, and one is in the laundry basket.

This is me, stuck. Oh yes, I should be grateful for the daily bread. Can bread turn into words? Oh dear Lord, may I exchange the daily bread for term papers?

blog writing

寫字是一種習慣。每天寫是一種恆心。

爸送了我一台新的筆電。11吋，電池效能很好，輕巧的一台讓我可以隨時用打字的方式記錄事情。網路的訊息很豐富，更需要有效的管理。

這學期很忙，但是我希望自己可以有把事情都做好。

the bowling alley

first three were hit

then two more down

third time went into the ditch

later missed all

.

.

.

.

finally stroked all

then it ended. Round Two. Next Life.

This summer, everything was out of place

我站在這裡，一杯一杯，我陪你喝。但明天醒來，你依舊悲傷，我依舊只能站在這裡。我帶不走，你的悲傷，即使我願意。

我知道你悲傷，但我無奈。我能站在這裡，但無法帶走你的悲傷。我願意，但無法替你悲傷。

我知道明天起來可能有點頭痛，我知道這是暑假的最後一天。

這個暑假，八成的事情都go wrong。剩下的兩成是什麼? Seriously，可能是都有搭到飛機吧。

每天每天，都過著一杯兩杯的生活。紅的、白的；葡萄、水果。

終於暑假要過完了。可以還給我了嗎?

喜歡，有點飄的感覺。

I am losing it. Tipping off the balance, I am there.

But I like it there. Just give me one more day, of this disoriented day.

Tomorrow, the couch goes back to a pumpkin. Then Fall comes and let is snow.

Why, did things stand there and burned?

像是人財兩失一般

經過了兩週的no pretend，發現生活並沒有變簡單。這樣的結果真像是人財兩失。現在想想，難道我有天真到以為放任心情不好就能使生活變如意嗎?

鳥事沒有減少，生活的壓力一般大。上週熱浪來襲，每天都要四十度。家裡的溫度計飆高到32度是常態，窗戶關起來反而比較涼。終於在星期日下午下了一場大雨，帶走了溫度。小綠眼一週都在煩惱學生工作簽證和台灣家裡的事情。國際學生辦事處都會告訴學生，在學生工作簽證還沒有下來前不要出境；即使有學生工作簽證，也最好有「適當」工作再離境。所謂「適當」工作是什麼? 這個認定非常的不明確，基本上這工作要是正當的，與所學相關的。簡單來說就是要能讓海關覺得你不是在找機會滯留美國，而且讓你入境是有必要的。這樣就非常的random阿。

小綠眼的學生工作簽辦的有些不順利。包括去郵局寄一份相關的文件就花了3小時的時間，一度讓我擔心郵件寄丟了，後悔自己沒有用UPS而相信美國郵局。週五因為沒有學生簽證，但是又有可能需要離開美國，而開車去學校辦事情。開車是因為天氣熱，節省時間。結果被開了一張42美元的停車罰單。收到罰單連要去申訴的力氣都沒有。這樣的鳥事排山倒海的來，伴隨著炎熱和潮濕的空氣，真希望時間可以停止。

 

就這樣虛度了一個週末。

 

接著，家人又跟我說健身房打電話去家裡。出國前，我把健身房的約給暫停。現在發現這幾年可能都用不到了，想要完全停約。打了電話，櫃台說要等週一經理上班才可以處理，叫我留email，經理會跟我聯繫。我心裡想，我相信你會跟我聯繫，大概100年之後吧。又有一天在無意義的焦慮中度過。

 

讓我回到精力充沛的生活吧。漫畫流浪者說大便本來就會發生。這樣說是沒錯。現在想想在農場的時候，每天的勞動使得沒有力氣想很多有的沒的，或許那就是為什麼生活比較有活力又覺得能過得下去的原因。想太多本身不能改變事情，自己才可以吧。

 

Maybe…

This is the kind of life I live…

我幫自己剪了頭髮，不是因為我很厲害，是因為我不想也無法花$50元去mall給設計師剪，可是我又不相信路邊的$15元可以剪出一個叫髮型的東西。用個經濟學的說法，就是那邊際效用不等於邊際成本。所以我自己照著鏡子剪了一個像是"羽毛剪"的髮型，但事實上那只是看不到後面和旁邊所以隨便打薄的結果。

 

I hate it. I literally hate Baltimore

清晨

早上五點四十五

滴水聲。對街在開冷氣。

垃圾車開過去。

人們在上班的途中

我泡了咖啡，點了蠟燭，坐在吧檯桌上

晃著。

規劃要事情

想著。

生活很像很快樂

無可避免的

生活其實很孤單

朋友不是沒有

是沒有對的感覺

我們是被現實主宰

i have decided not to pretend for a while

So far, I try not to complain about the THIS, and look at things from the BRIGHT side or the GOOD side.

Enough!!!

This is the life I have:

I want a pet cat because they are good company and they make me happy. Problem? I can't afford it. I can't afford to pay for the food and cat litter. So no cat.

I am not a fan of socializing. Seriously, shoot me in the head. But I move to a nice, cozy, everyone complimented apartment so that I can establish networks and have friends. PRETEND. Seriously.

My boss have this project that I don't think make sense. Does she give a damn about the methodology of the study? Not from a non-economics perspective. THIS is research we are talking about. Shouldn't we put efforts into studies that are worthwhile and contribute to the society not just STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT?

Three points. I'll stop now.

I should make a wish list.

if i pretend

If I pretend that I can make it, that I can do it, long enough, will one day I could to stop pretending?

Is it an illusion that I am capable of going through each day, still alive?

Is the lack of quality sleep an indicator that my mind is a mess?

Are the dreams of people from places that would never meet a sign that this supposedly new phrase is giving me way too much pressure.

Am I the only few people who receive craps and shits on a regular basis?

Breath. Inhale. Exhale.

an email that i didn't send

I suppose you are surprise to see my email without a Re on the subject line. I can't remember the last time we spoke. An actually conversation that was not forced by my husband because he claimed that I should say a proper goodbye, which I thought was a terrible lunch.

I suppose you don't think I am apathy and a bitch for doing what I did. Perhaps you still don't understand why I had to do it. Do I resent myself for doing so? Probably not. Do I think about what I did and try to mend it. Yes. Am I progressing? No.

So what is the point of me writing an email?

I don't know. I think I just got to this point that I feel like I have to write something to you but then can't really hit the send. One'd say, but the person will see it anyhow because this person actually visits your blog, duh! Yeah, I am aware of that, but perhaps this person won't recognize it given that I am a nut.

I remember the why. Repeatedly, I ask myself if I can change myself to sort of accommodate. I can't. Maybe because I am afraid and think that it might not change anything in the end. So I don't want to take a risk. Yes, I admit.

I do think about this, maybe more often than I want to.

Another phrase

Okay 所以我承認new phrase 很 cliché，我根本不是一個陽光的人，所以新的開始巴拉巴拉只是一種disguise。

不過真的是一個new phrase。六月我到了農場當了三個禮拜的農夫，那是人生中最快樂的一段時間。勞力的付出和體力的消耗很satisfying。但是我去了第一天就覺得那地方實在有點怪，到了第三天我已經想離開。可是我直到了有一個100度的星期四，我才終於想通為什麼我無法繼續做下去。那時，我才覺得我可以離開了。我把事情想清楚了。

六月底，我開始搬家。搬離了那個老鼠窩，到了downtown一個叫做Mt. Vernon的區。有很多舊建築、餐廳、酒吧(沒有脫衣舞廳)、住家、畫廊、藝術小店。新家布置得很舒適，沒去過舊家的人可能會以為這就是我們的風格。不，我們也曾住過老鼠窩。

七月：跟著大陸老師做中國大躍進時代飢荒和經濟發展的研究，以及做農場決策和經營的經濟回顧。然後優閒的過生活。

下一學期，我有一份full time的研究工作。每週20個小時。我預計要修三門三學分的課，一門一學分的獨立研究。我需要開車上學。還有我要準備明年畢業的找工作。

see, new phrase

一年

小綠眼是在去年的六月十八號起飛。我還記得去年的現在，我們在台中搬家，跟房東用得不愉快；每天在打包放在台灣的衣物和收拾到美國的行李。

一年過去了。小綠眼從霍普金斯補習班畢業。我讀了兩個學期，最後的一個月寫報告和考試到生不如死。小綠眼說，「畢業了，另外一個茫然...」。

Day 4: Hoeing and making beds

Today's task was to hoe a piece of land and make beds. The beds are for plants that can be seeded directly (alternative to go plant in small cases and in green house until grown to certain weeks). This is one physical demanding job and at the end of the day, I got five blisters (one of them is almost the size of a dime). Today was also my turn to go water the plants in the green house, feed the chicken, and move their houses.

So there are two chicken homes. Each is 2x2x2 meters wood made cubic. One home has five chicken, the other has nine chicken and a rooster. The homes need to be moved twice a day because they eat the worms and whatever on the ground. I have to give them fresh water and move the super heavy homes (pictures soon).

The piece of land that we make beds is covered by weeds. Some weeds are nasty such as thistles, a mile in a minute, and other random stuffs. Thistles have thorns and they have thick vines and root very deep. It was hard to dig them out. Not all of them are dug out and so I have to be very careful not to sit on one because they are "a pain in the butt."

The green house is very green (really green). It is very humid and hot to the extent that standing inside can make you sweat so bad that you feel like water is pouring on you. So watering for 15 or 20 minutes is like a trip to hell. And I have to visit the green house four times a day. Luckily, no green house for three days.

Nothing at the farm really works like they should. There are "tricks" to nearly every machines. The only reliable objects on the farm are human, thankfully.

P.S. One chick peaked me today. My colleague said she was kissing me.

P.S. 2, I have no muscles.

Day 2: Strawberry field

The day started early. I was up at 6:20, ate a bowl of cereal and ready to go. The first task was weeding the strawberry field. It was really bad because the field wasn't weeded for a month. A mile in a minute is a type of weed (something I learnt today).

After three hours of weeding, we got to pick strawberries. It was fun for two seconds, but after that it got a little depressing. This is the third batch of berries this season (third harvest) so there aren't that many left and most of them are bruised, ate by bugs, or rotted. A few of them were really big, like the size of pin-pon ball.

The just ripen berries are delicious. They are red and shinny. When you bit it, it is so sweet and juicy. Delicious. I had never tasted anything like that.

Our farm supported 600 people per week. Next Tuesday is the first pick-up. This is a community supported agriculture farm. The operation is people buy "shares" and they receive whatever harvested that week.

Tomorrow we will do more weeding.

Daily schedule:

7: ready to go.

11ish-2: lunch break

2-5ish: work

then free after that

PS. The chicken haven't been lying eggs and we are thinking of eating them.

Day 1: Arrival

At around 1:30pm, Wei drove me to the farm. I packed random stuff into the car because I didn't know what to bring.

I met my intern-mates around the house. My roommate showed me around the kitchen, laundry room, and our living room. Later we all went swimming at a reservoir 20 miles north. Then we went rope jumping.

Now I am sitting on the porch which was cleaned just today. Tomorrow I'll start my first day of work. I am excited and nervous.

This is going to be fun!

罐頭午餐 營養午餐

1992年冬天的某一個星期一是我第一次在美國上學。外面的雪非常的厚，我父母帶我去學校，他們送我到教室。四年級。我一句英文都不會說，我不會26個字母。我可能只會"thank you"，可能還會"how are you." 我聽不懂，我不會說。但是我永遠會記得那天午餐是peanut butter & jelly sandwich。

我記得，因為我看到我的午餐，然後我吃了一兩口。我覺得那食物長得很怪，他是紫色和大便色夾在兩片麵包中。之後的兩年，

每個星期一，午餐的選擇都是peanut butter & jelly sandwich 或是 pizza. Pizza 就是臘腸加起司，3x7吋。 每星期四是吃taco自助餐。

小綠眼和我決定要多用學校資源，所以週末我們到學校唸書，吸學校空氣和用學校的電。早上，我從家裡帶了兩個碗，一碗煮好了中式麵條(前幾天的剩菜)，兩個「圓圈麵加上肉丸泡在義大利番茄醬和起司」的罐頭。午餐就是把罐頭倒到麵上，拿去微波。因為我沒有其他剩菜，所以只好吃這。

為什麼會有罐頭呢?爸媽留下來給我的。

他們為什麼會有罐頭呢?美國政府給他們的。But this is not the point.

那罐頭很難吃。自從會煮飯之後，就開始覺得美國的「迅速食物」都難吃又噁心。我想到國小的營養午餐。營養午餐每週的菜色都一樣，而且都是一個主食，一罐牛奶，然後再一樣忘記什麼的。可能連沙拉菜都沒有吧。

現在我才發現，原來小時候的食物那麼難吃。

PS. 歸類goodstuff,因為這是一個回憶。

佛卡夏麵包

昨天做了佛卡夏 Rosemary Focaccia，修改了食譜，添加了potato flakes。口感QQ的，而且充滿氣泡。

2 1/2 t yeast

3/4 warm water

1 t sugar

1/4 salt

1 1/2 white flour

1/2 potato flakes

olive oil, salt, rosemary, Parmesan pepper for topping

400F 20 minutes

1. 媽那天跟我說有食譜建議若是用手揉麵應用冷水，因為手會有溫度，幫助yeast發酵。用溫水

加上手揉會燙死yeast. 還沒有去verify這部分。

2. 一次發酵即充滿氣泡，但是二次發酵時好像有點無力，不知怎麼的沒有發起來很多。第三次整型也不是很理想。不知道是否是因為溫度和時間皆不夠。

3. 麵包還是要溫的吃。

幸福的瞬間 -- 頂呱呱巴爾地摩分店

昨天紐約時報上報導現在人把食物先拍下來才動叉子。聽起來的確有點好笑，但是偶爾我也這樣。

最近有點想台灣。週日去H-Mart買菜的時候，小綠眼說他想吃鹹酥雞和雞排很久了，當然還有甜不辣、雞血、巴拉巴拉...我說那晚上炸雞排好了。他有點不可置信，因為我多半討厭炸東西。用得我都是油，又很熱。但是我偷偷承認前陣子我也想吃，所以才會上youtube看怎麼做。

雞排是豆腐滷口味。美時家大衛給的豆腐滷，小綠眼加了兩塊。

醬油一匙

鹽 一匙

胡椒

酒

蒜頭 切碎

雞大腿肉 去皮，修整齊 拍(連接骨頭的那面、保持黏皮的那面完整)

醃製 (記得放入冰箱)

取出 拿一顆蛋黃加入

準備太白粉(玉米粉)、麵包粉、炸油、瀝油器具

肉沾太白粉 放置五分鐘 接著把多餘粉用掉 放到麵包粉中 繼續放著

用比較厚的鍋子，較容易控制油溫

加熱 溫度測試--> 筷子插入後有些微泡泡 (維持此溫度的方法 --> 使用中火)

放入肉-->不要動他，等一面好了再翻面

翻面 變色後拿起 --> 肉已幾乎已經算熟

全炸完第一回後

開大火 油溫測試--> 看他很熱(但是不要冒煙。注意︰任何時候冒煙就馬上「關火」，因為放進去就焦掉了)

放入肉，炸至金黃，高溫可逼出多餘的油，所以要起來再關火。油溫一旦下降油就會被肉吸回去。

瀝油

薯條

削皮

切塊

將剛才的蛋白加入剩下的醃料

裹一裹

調太白粉水(濃稠)

加入用雞排剩下的麵包粉

加入將剩下醃料和蛋白

薯條丟進去

油溫 --> 筷子小泡泡

薯條放進去 --> 不要動他，等待粉包住薯條

可攪動

變色+熟後 拿起

大火 --> 金黃

討論︰

1. 肉汁被包住，肉嫩，入味。

2. 油溫控制，買一支溫度計或是仔細觀察。火太大會焦掉，火太小會炸到乾掉。

3. 一直翻動不會比較快好，但是會讓他變醜。

外面已漸漸天黑。微風從窗戶吹進來。感受到遲來的幸福。飯後倒垃圾順便散步一圈，對面的商場燈亮著，復活節店家都關門。

去年的這時候，我正在等待學校消息和為了結婚的事情上演的拉鋸戰。

一年就這樣的過了。

小綠眼因為對於炸物有深深罪惡感，所以他說一年一次就好了。哈

Spicy Two-Bean Vege Chili

午餐- 配上 sour cream 和自己做的全麥薄餅

今天我跟小綠眼說，怎辦，我覺得我們好像快變成外國人了。豆子、麵包、麵餅、pasta已變成我們的主食了。

完全中式料理，快炒幾道菜配湯，大約有1/4的時間，主要是小綠眼煮的時候。

Pasta 1/4

咖哩或豆子 1/4

餅、麵包沾義大利麵醬或豆子chili，水餃、煎餃、炸醬麵、蘿蔔絲餅 1/4

今天的chili用了一種叫做Jalapeño pepper, 孟醫師說是從一個叫Jalapeño的地方來的。味道跟我們的小紅辣椒不一樣，可是他們說很辣。(孟醫師連早餐都加辣喔)

PS 我今天有照食譜做，但是有個東西沒有加，因為家裡沒有 -- bulgur。還有我蒜頭的順序加錯了。

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Spicy-Two-Bean-Vegetarian-Chili-107274

Bon Appetite Nov 2002

被挑戰的真正意義

最近總算了解到一件事情

以前，總是覺得上帝交付一件困難的事情是要考驗耐力、磨練意志和訓練解決問題的能力。所以每破了一關只是跑大地遊戲時多過了一關，讓我多了解規則、知識或訊息。

現在才發現那是一個淺薄的解讀。那不只是一個訓練。

真正要告訴我的是，如果在過去你可以克服那些挑戰，你要有「信心」在未來你也可以克服關卡。於是，那不再是被動的。

comcast或買車，那只不過人生中每個人都會遇到的際遇。學會如何買車或是如何和comcast談判是一個能力，但是更重要的是知道我毋須對於未來感到無比的恐懼和害怕。那只是一種循環。因為經由過去我累積了多一粒的經驗值，而未來的事情只是比過去再難一點而已。

* * *

我需要的是對自然的力量的一種相信

要相信人生的一切都會好好的像流水一般流過

然後會變成一株很強壯的小樹

as an international student...I am so tired

It is easy to get me upset lately. Now that I am applying for an internship at a community supported agriculture organic farm, the experience of getting work eligibility is horrible. The government makes it extremely difficult for international students. For this internship, I have to schedule an appointment with a officer whom will give me many papers to fill out, then I also have to meet with program director and ask him to fill out a form stating that this experience is beneficial to Economic policy. Hence, I have to ask the farm manager for an offer letter that has a description specifically stating at least a duty that can relate to "learning the operation of not-for-profit organization and policy implication for community supported agriculture." But come on, common sense tells us that those are related. Agriculture economics, not-for-profit organization, small scale economy, distribution, capital and labor...some of which are the fundamentals of economic analysis. How could it be not related?! Yet, although to ask for an offer letter which is semi-official is a reasonable request, there is no doubt that an employer could find that too much of a hassle and hire someone else. It is the same as sponsoring working visa.

This whole making it difficult for international people aren't just about protecting the natives, it is also a way to let the internationals compete among themselves. As a result, only those in the very very top get to stay and provide the human capital for economic growth. I was at a documentary yesterday - Faces of Africa. They found that some 30% of the African-American/Black people in Ivory or top universities are immigrants. (I might recall the figure incorrectly, but it's more or less.)

Everything is about competition. Stage 1, we compete with our own for higher education at home. Stage 2, we compete with the internationals to get admission. Stage 3, we compete with the natives and the internationals for jobs. Stage 4, we compete with the internationals for working visa and residency.

I am so tired.

快被叫壓力的怪獸吃掉

回美國後生活中發生各種事情，狀況連連，一直都很顛簸。先是網路的契約到期，續約過程中遇到的問題。又收到州政府監理所寄來排氣檢驗單，車子過不了排氣檢驗，送去JR那邊修。先是修了200元，然後還是有問題，如果再修要花三四百元，所以JR幫我申請waiver。但是監理站又百般刁難paperwork的問題，來來回回去了幾次到現在都還沒有送出申請。因為要去修車，所以花很多時間等或是往返，小綠眼常常因此無法去上課。接著又下大雪，學校課程進度大落後和混亂。然後老闆因為personal issue 將情緒帶到工作場合，把我搞得快瘋掉。爸爸來，三個人在狹小360 square feet的空間生活。後來車子在DC壞掉，花了一些錢，當月的房租支票因為我忘記在帳戶裡放錢所以跳票，被罰了一些錢。隔一週處理保險和修車的問題。這時候暑期實習的工作機會已漸漸變少，找到農場的工作要申請，文件也花了兩個禮拜才送出去。期間一直擔心對方會認為我不夠有興趣。車子壞了之後決定先不要買車，因為小綠眼的專題進度不理想，也不確定畢業之後有沒有機會和能力留下來。後來放春假，農場那邊要我去面試，可是一時之間也找不到人載我去，也讓人焦慮緊張，所幸後來儒奕剛好有時間幫忙，不至於麻煩不熟的人。於是決定要買車。這時是小綠眼的spring break，他要去賀喜巧克力工廠旁的醫學院參加conference，所以租了一台車。因為租車，所以就趁著一天半的時間去看車和買菜。要買車的過程，又發現二手車價格跟新車差沒多少，要找到一台年份新，里程數少，在預算範圍內的幾乎沒有。在這過程中，我們又要決定到底是要買便宜一點但是potentially可能會出問題，還是買一台超過預算一兩千元的。好不容易找到一台，又因為那台很搶手，但是我們無法當天決定因為我們能力不夠，自己不會看引擎和底盤狀況。這一天的時間很焦慮但是也一直告訴自己一切都是被安排好的，不要太患得患失。事實上，我們當時的存款並不足，但是dealer不讓我們用down payment的方式，一下要借3500元是一件很難的事。即使我在台灣都很難跟朋友借15萬，更不要說在這裡要找誰。台灣電匯來也不會馬上到，所以心中也是很焦急。後來有很意外的有個朋友主動幫忙，但是在提款的過程他的帳戶突然被扣一筆大額支票，所以我們當場少500元。Dealer在外面等，而我們也已完成所有買車的paperwork，只差要付錢。打個幾個朋友都沒有接，後來有個學長幫忙才化險為驚。一直以來因為很多的緣故一直想搬到Hopkins的附近，但是又因為不確定未來的走向，所以房子常常網路看了一看又不租，也花了很多時間。

買車之後經濟負擔變很大。小綠眼有沒工作也是一個讓他很擔心的地方。我的成績要拿straight A下學期(如果有經費)才能申請全額獎學金。

季節轉變和壓力/穩定(規律)的生活一直是trigger有沒有發病的elements。為了要控制季節轉變可能引發episodes，我花很多心力在外在那些事情一直不停的發生之下，持續closely monitor自己的變化。因為即使是minor的episodes都可能促使我make bad decisions或引發major episodes。我知道有幾個 consecutive days where it was very close。那monitor自己就像是一舉一動都被自己進一步又一步的剖析，然後控制。

這幾天一直都睡不好。我雖然控制了狀況，但是當我把心力都放在照顧自己、解決生活裡無止境的意外事件和努力把家裡打理好之後，我已無力去跟上學校的進度。眼看五月初就要交期末報告，四月份又有兩個期中考，i can't do it. 就像今天下午要考一個10% of semester grade的考試，可是我幾乎沒有準備. I tried to but I can't focus and there are so many things happening. 我擔心我的成績，不要說拿不到A，我甚至擔心不能pass。暑假實習學校要求的paperwork，我擔心farm manager不願意出文件，雖然我兩天前才寄信。Patient is a virtue that I don't have yet.

我們沒有一定要留下來。可是我們又覺得已經來一年了是不是這麼快放棄有點可惜，因為之後到底有沒有機會也很難說。漸漸地，人生中很多的決定都變成一瞬間的。在危難之中，誰可依靠誰是朋友誰是過路之交變得很明顯。有些人你已經知道這友誼不過也如此而已，有些人讓你非常感動。我已經很幸運了，兩邊的爸媽們都很supportive，運氣也很好遇到很多幫助我們的人。只是，我的能力還是太遜，在這樣的幫助一下，還是無法應付這些事情。

<< 我是一棵植物，需要很多的水和陽光>>

美國夢 之二

早上匆匆去參加學校舉辦的OPT Workshop。OPT是畢業後在還沒有拿到工作簽證前的一種F1身分。OPT讓畢業生可以合法工作，期限是一年，這一年內如果雇主不願意幫你申請工作簽證就請打道回府吧。

除了學校解釋OPT之外，career center也來教國際學生一些找工作的技巧和學校提供的服務，最後還有一個academia interview skills和一位專辦工作簽證的律師。

聽完之後，其實要留下來看似簡單，其實也滿難的。說難，其實也沒那種難。但是就是一關一關。首先要先可以畢業，畢業之後要工作，有了工作雇主要協助申請工作簽，有了工作簽之後，六年內又要雇主願意協辦綠卡。

綠卡的申請過程更久，有時要到八年。這又牽涉到是哪一類的申請、國籍、工作類別。「技術移民」在美國要是那種世界名人才可以申請這一項。醫師? 不好意思，這是第二類，和教授同一類，但是又不全然相同。護士因為全美缺工，所以隨時現在辦了就過了。第二類的申請人，在2001年、2003年遞件的，現在才拿到綠卡。看來要到八年，但是這八年中也不是不能換工作，但是也不是隨時可以換工作，要配合綠卡核准到哪一階段，否則可能又要重辦之類的。

(聽起來很複雜吧。因為是真的很複雜，不是我理解能力不好或是表達能力很差><)

除了一般工作簽證也有J簽證(交換學者)。這種一般在簽證結束後必須要回國兩年，但是在某些情況之下有可以申請waiver。或是某些cases, 雇主願意找一批馬和一個使者幫你送文件到華府，然後有個有power的人，簽個名，然後你就可以繼續工作，暫緩衣錦還鄉。

所以要確保自己有綠卡要規劃自己到哪裡工作，哪種工作。雇主會因為需要你所以要幫你辦綠卡。時間一直湧來，visa status永遠都要很注意。例如說OPT如果好好使用可以讓你有14個月的時間辦工作簽證。很多人以為要有工作才可以辦OPT，網路和留學生界有各種訊息，自己眼睛要夠亮，耳朵要夠好，手腳明快，頭腦清楚。Everyday, you have to be nearly on top of the game. You slack off too long，you are out.

慢慢的發現沒有訣竅，一步一步。跑得快不一定跑得遠，跑得遠不一定跑得好。

美國夢，不知道是還沒有開始做，還是沒醒。倒底是不是夢。亦或是一場噩夢?

常常問自己說我要的是什麼？要是身分，還是一段異地生活的時光。看起來想個都很好，最好兩個都可以擁有。當我們變得夠強的時候，的確可以要去哪就去哪。不同的objective，不同的plan。就像是去買數位相機的時候，人家問你說「請問要拍什麼?」Seriously, 我們可以跟對方說，「就拍生活，偶爾出去玩。」 But that's like not answering at all。 你要拍生活中的食物還是動物；室內偏多還是室外偏多。跟對方說「我也不知道，就是要照出來好看。」那樣的敘述太vague，太abstract。

我們希望可以買到「所有功能具全」東西，想要擁有「什麼地方都可以有能力去」的人生。可是現實中，我們的能力真的有限。We actually do not have the capability to become SUPERMAN. There are limitations that force us to prioritize our choices. To utilize our opportunities and resources, we need to know what we want. From there, we start building. Brick by brick, maybe, just maybe, our dream will come true.

Finally, 要變成美國人最快的方法就是嫁給一個美國人。

有車階級

終於，我又回到了有「可以實際上路」的有車階級。經過了三個禮拜的等待、找車、研究，在星期五時，多虧學長和儒奕的相助，買了我們在美國的第一台二手車。

自從有了車之後我們就變得非常的神經兮兮。例如小綠眼時常擔心車門沒有鎖，第一天開回來的時候我們已經走了10公尺了，但是小綠眼要確定車門有鎖好，所以我們又在寒冷36度的夜晚回去檢查四個門和一個後車廂。我則不能說出我的擔心，因為我覺得說出來可能會成真。

新的車也讓他停車變得非常小心，特別是路邊停車時會把乘客方的後視鏡調整看到路面，確定輪鋼不會磨到安全島。在路上遇到van和公車都會閃遠一點。這樣的心情和之前那台紫金戰車非常不一樣。紫金戰車，顧名思義就是一台鹽色古怪、特立獨行、不怕風吹雨打，不怕日曬路人的戰車。

貓and人

距離貓從校長家離開已經一年了。這幾天因為放春假太閒，到PTT上看到貓版上有一串討論貓的家庭醫師的事情。回到網誌這邊看過去貓的成長和治療紀錄，突然很感嘆。才不過一年，很多事情都有巨大的轉變。

貓又回到台東了。他以前瘦瘦小小的一隻，連都已經換牙了，我們還以為他只有未滿一歲。現在她的肚子都快垂到地上了。還好住在有兩層樓的透天別墅 (?)，讓他可以爬樓梯鍛鍊腿力。(話說有一天他在樓梯上差點滑倒，因為跑太快。) 他每天心情都很好，跟著媽媽上上下下。媽媽發現他很喜歡看屋外的事情，所以在窗戶前的櫃子空出來，讓他可以曬太陽睡覺看風景。阿喵喜歡睡在媽媽旁邊，所以媽媽幫他摺了一條「毯子」，讓他固定在那塊破布上踩踩踏踏。媽媽說，咪咪我要上樓了。咪咪就跟他一起上樓。媽媽說，咪咪睡覺了。咪咪就跳到床上準備睡覺。

咪咪變開朗

媽媽也跟他處得很好 (想到小時候，媽媽最討厭的動物就是貓。他覺得貓的眼睛很恐怖。現在每天晚上阿喵都盯著她睡覺。因為他說每次他睜開眼睛都看到喵在看他)。

人會變，貓也會變。

* * *

獸醫似乎變了。大家對他的觀感變得不佳，覺得他的診斷很「不一樣」或不正確、推銷保健食品。他對主人的態度似乎也變了。網路是個很恐怖的地方，會讓人事物像是回到國中生的氛圍。傳壞話，小圈圈，然後大家就討厭他，信任也沒了。醫療本質上就是資訊非常不對稱，醫人都有許多糾紛和問題，那麼醫動物就有很多的模糊和需要更多的信任。因為病人可以自己說出問題，協助診斷，自己做決定。可是病動物必須仰賴主人和醫師的互相配合。在人的醫療中，只有少部分的病人「真正的關心」自己的疾病，去了解治療過程、用藥、經營醫病關係。那麼在更特殊的動物醫病關係中呢? 那是牽涉到主人、動物、和獸醫。每個個體都有自己的效用，都在某個層面上牴觸，形成一種非常複雜的關係。

人云亦云是個多可怕的事情。就像是我看了很多關於鄉民對獸醫的觀感，碰巧打了電話詢問絛蟲的問題，在他的冷淡回答之中，不免有那種懷疑，「難道他真的變了?」

如果真的，我不會太意外。他對於醫療的堅持很完美，可是現實卻不是那樣。他適合被公家機關請或是到美國開業，但是在台灣，或許他真的不是生意人的料。這又牽涉到最近喧喧吠吠的醫生到底有沒有賺錢的權利。

請這樣想，教育是一種投資。Human capital investment。買基金股票是一種投資，賺錢是一件大家都樂於見到的好事。讀博士也是human capital investment的一種，所以當教授薪水很高。為什麼大家可以接受?

所以爭論的到底是醫德還是金錢?

* * *

(昨天晚上先去睡了，今天繼續寫)

早上又看了幾個推文，又有了新的想法。

有人說獸醫講的某些話讓主人不舒服。例如，等待結果的這幾秒鐘最刺激了。我也聽他說過類似的話，可是我卻一點都沒被offend到。可能是我太奇怪了吧。經過了大家的「提醒」，恩...這的確沒有惻隱之心。可是這又回到了一個議題︰經營醫病關係。So it might be a personality issue, but doesn't mean he is a "bad" person or he is a crack.

有時候或許問題在於人搞不清楚自己要的是什麼。到底重視的是醫術，還是醫師的態度。到底是貓對醫師的信任，還是人對醫師的信任。沒有一個正確的答案，但是沒有自己去思考而去copy別人的答案卻一定是錯的。我們可以和別人擁有相同的preference, 可是那相同的ranking也需要自己去思考來的吧。

這又延伸到之後的一個推文。鄉民說他遇到一個醫師，那位醫師說愛滋貓的檢驗結果不準確，所以不用做檢查，真的有問題外觀就看得出來。

(我最近真的變得很挑剔，我應該少去看那些讓我充滿不解和生氣的討論。可是不是自我期許要認識地球嗎。這又是另外一個自我嘲諷。如果有人要說我「瞧不起」地球人，我真的會因為傷心得去撞牆。我是真的不了解。例如我不了解為什麼要用「公平︰在高中讀得很辛苦，所以有本事就在台灣重考」的心態去看待國外醫學院。我也不了解為什麼在一種不了解國外唸書的狀況和學制就可以在那邊雞哩咕哩的亂叫。)

回到貓愛滋檢驗的問題。我好想回文跟鄉民說，愛滋是一種immune deficiency。翻譯，就是平時健康時當然什麼都看不出來，但是生病之後就像滾雪球。因為那就是免疫系統故障時才會發病阿。你真的想要等他生病的時候才開始治療? 有那樣態度的鄉民應該不會在貓版出現...因為愛貓者會把他們轟出去。可以不要聽到醫師說的話就相信嗎? 可以不要沒有把那個context都寫進去，然後只片段的傳遞一種訊息嗎? 如果你的貓每天在外亂跑，可以負一點社會責任嗎?

有時(或是很多時候)，我們不認真的去思考問題，不認真的追求真相，不認真去尋求答案，不知道自己想要什麼。Don't believe everything we read; don't believe everything we didn't read. But do read.

我爸會說，多讀書。

Maybe I should avoid reading those discussions...they are making me cynical and unhappy.