Sunday, December 30, 2007

論文的恐懼

我的論文,給我最大的恐懼不是沒有data,而是沒有結果。台灣有11,106筆的potential data,瑞典有1,591筆的potential data。如果Pajek跑出來沒有辦法做出合理的解釋,該怎麼辦?
我要如何分辨或知道,是因為我書讀不夠所以無法解釋;或是因為沒有東西好解釋,所以沒有解釋?但是在這研究的過程,我要用什麼當信心,告訴自己即使浪費的錢和時間,我都有收穫呢?我要這麼每天看著不出太陽的天空說出:一定會有希望的。在成為學者的道路上,怎麼知道不需要放棄?

老師上個月給我看了篇故事,發明水型吸塵器的人失敗了幾千次才成功,他都不曾放棄,八拉八拉等。老師覺得很鼓勵,也希望我多點信心。不過那時我沒有沒有信心,不過今天,我真的開始沒有信心了。

時間一分一秒的過去,我停滯不前,我走不動離不開。
如果變成小丑,那麼笑話便不會如此的令人恐慌。

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Crave & Addiction

crave: Old English crafian (in the sense [demand, claim as a right] ), of Germanic origin; related to Swedish kräva, Danish kræve ‘demand.’

Craving is dangerous. Craving for sweet food, chocolate cake, hot sex, chic clothes. Crave into addiction. Crave, Craving....

期末像是要把人壓到爆炸,寒冷的早晨根本無法從床上爬去,整個人陷在床上,一整個天花板都在轉。要寫論文的人,沒有寒假的感覺,期末只是一個從a到b的差別;只是應該休息的日子應該要趕快加緊腳步。

每當這種要讓人瘋掉的的季節,尋求一種安慰和high,像是craving for something,一個可以帶你飛起、沒有難過沒有傷心的地方。That something讓人feel so good, that even you can already see the dead end, see how you'll get hurt at the end of the road, still, it is so hard to pull away. 還沒得到之前,craving it;得到之後,addicted to it. 這條一定會死的路,要怎麼不要走下去;醒來醒來。

無法更冷的溫度,發抖的雙指,我的青春,渡過在,我的craving addiction。 一直 一直 無法呼吸,無法停止,那個慾望,想要更多的high,飛去沒有悲傷的地方。

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

[回憶]一篇在墨爾本時吃ice cream的心得

回憶]一篇在墨爾本時吃ice cream的心得

我一直都還沒有機會去體驗你說的,在街道上讀詩! 要等天氣再好一點, 雖然快春天了,但是風吹著還是會冷.今天我到河邊去走一走, 恰巧走進一個art market, 經過一個ice cream truck.他標榜是homemade.我就猶豫要不要試試看,本來覺得不該那樣寵自己,後來想想既然是homemade的就試試看吧! 挑了 honeycomb and blackberry兩種口味. 走到河邊的椅子坐下來. 一邊吃一邊有很多年前的回憶. 那種情景很像很多年前我和我爸爸一起出去, 看到art market我都會說我要看因為我很喜歡arts and crafts. 經過很特別的東西如homemade icecream我爸爸就會問我說我要不要試試看. 我就會站在那邊, 看一看有什麼口味, 猶豫跟思考一下,然後可能說好. 我爸爸就會拿錢給我, 等我買完我就會跟他說謝謝, 然後問他要不要試試看.接著他會找一個地方坐下來 等我吃完一邊看看風景休息一下. 當我今天一個人坐在河邊想起這一段時, 我開始發覺這就大概就是長大的過程. 大概就像是我今天這樣: 有一天, 到一個地方, 一個人做一件原本是和爸爸或媽媽一起做的事, 卻發現爸爸媽媽都不在身邊. 然後晚上回到住的地方,開始敘述這一段故事, 這時才覺得 歐好像不再是以前那種不用負責的小女孩. 好像這就是長大的意思,不知道我爸爸媽媽有沒有我這種心境. 不知道他們會不會很難過或是很驕傲? 我有點悵然 總覺得自己還沒準備好還沒同意要長大, 就要去學習去接受似乎不再是14歲的國中生了.小時候偶爾會想長大是什麼意思? 大人是什麼意思? 怎麼變成大人的? 是不是突然有一天有一個人說 "你從今起就要做大人?" 現在我想, 可能就是這樣一點一滴的 自己就慢慢知道了吧!

--
版主大概覺得這人最近怎麼話這麼多

Monday, December 17, 2007

[Lies and Jokes] candle cake



Look at the happy cake, it is almost hard to imagine that life can be that happy and cheerful with candle lights and whip cream. When homework piles up your desk and term paper topic is no where to be seen, it is depressing.



Craving for sweets; sweet cake, sweet days, sweet clothes, sweet smiles, sweet everything. Some wise old man will say: hey, the rainbowafter a storm. Well, allow me to say this, I don't want rainbow sweets; I just want sweets, and I don't want storm. So there you go, there's me bitching again:P.



The radio station's personal life coach is speaking: look at the positive side of life, say stop; next time you are complaining, remember that you made the shoots, it's I "choose."



Wow, since when does what i write is instantly responded by the radio station and broadcast to everyone online.



Yeah yeh yeh...say stop.

[Abstract Review] Some Economics of Global Warming

Some Economics of Global Warming
By Thomas C. Schelling
The American Economic Review, Vol. 82, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), pp. 1-14

[Abstract Review]
The author discussed the effects on global warming on people, enviornment, economy, and some tackling strategies. The paper started off by pointing out the inappropriate metophar of greenhouse and the name should be replaced by "smudgepot effect". But since it is too late to change the term, it is more practical to focus on the effects on people. People accept discontinuous climate change when they “migrate” from northeast to southest; however, continuous change of climate is unbearable. Additionaly, the media discuss “hotter summer”, but never “warmer winter.” Interestingly enough, people 100 years ago would probably have appreciated a warmer winter.

Business activities such as finance or manufacture are little affected by climate; similarly for healther care, education, or broadcasting. Climate change becomes an issue when it is about enviornment, animals, or argiculture. As some argue that comfort is worth considering, it is fortunately that the models predict a greater impact upon winter. Overall, climate migrates slowly and does not make significant impact on human life unless it is catastrophy.

Nevertheless, global warming is still an ongoing issue. The question is what are the costs of reducing carbon emission? Developed countries have no self-interest in reducing 2% of GNP perpetuity to curtailing carbon consumption. Shall developing countries scarfice their citizins’ welfare and economic development? China accounts for 25% of emissions but expect to increase to 50%. That is a nation with power to make a difference to the world by commiting to a “social contract” for global warming, but will she?

Alternative solution is genoenginnering; for example, remove mature trees and storing them anaerobically; enhancing oceanic photosynthesis by “fertailizing” the ocean with iron; reforstation, or put something in orbit to reflect incoming sunlight and reverse the imbalance caused by greenhouse gases. Schelling believed that if genoenginnering is feasible, international greenhouse diplomacy will be transformed (p. 10).

Schelling stated that the best plan is the Marshall Plan dollars. Unfortunately, there was never a formula for distributing Marshall Plan dollars. Global warming was a problem in 1992; 15 years later, there is still no real solution.


ECON 500500 Reading and Writing in Economics
December 17th, 2007

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Uniqueness

Uniqueness

We say everyone is unique. This is a simple phrase we hear and say All the time. Easier said than done.

When one of my friend's girlfriend broke off with him, she said that "you don't care for me enough" (a.k.a. you care about yourself, even your ex girlfriends). As I come to know him over the years, that statement is just politically wrong. Though that I was never his girlfriend, I know for a fact that he does indeed care about that girl; he just didn't care for her 'the way she wanted' or maybe, 'to her, that's not enough'.



In GA, Derek and Meredith broke off for similar reasons.



我漸漸了解you can't hope/request/change/ another person's perception of 'caring,' especially in relationships. 而必須了解和信任對方是用他最會/知道的方式對待這份關係。別人可以對我argue說你這樣是鴕鳥的想法,但是我會跟對方說:你又怎麼知道你對他的方法真的是他心目中所期待的呢?

到昨天我才知道經濟學中認定,我們不可以也無法去改變別人的效用函數:illegitimate. 這意思近乎imply說人無法互相溝通而只能利用市場的功能去調節人間的差異。但是無論如何,每個人的效用函數都是unique and unchangable.
--it's a rattling....

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Banana Cake

Banana Cake

1 Cup white sugar
90 grams butter
2 eggs
at least 3 small bananas
500 grams flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt (depends on the butter)
1 teaspoon dry vanilla powder

step 1. beat bananas and set aside.
step 2. soften butter and beat with sugar until very very smooth. (you'd wish you have electrical beater)
step 3. add eggs and beat until smooth (you will really wish that you own an electrical beater)
step 4. add bananas and stir until smooth
step 5. shift the rest of the ingredients and then stir lightly (don't stir too much or the cake will be as hard as stone)
Pure into buttered and floured rectangle shape baking pan.
Bake 190 C degree for 30 minutes. When you see the top gold shinning and cracked, put an alumni foil over it. (shinning side out).
Ready when a tooth pick come out clean.

Note: if use the wrong baking pan (like i used a round one, it will take too long to bake and the side will be too hard).
2nd note: I couldn't find unsalted butter so I used salted butter but don't add additional 1/2 t of salt.
3rd note: I used very very ripe banana. It was so ripe that it was all black and watery. It looked disgusting but the cake tasted great.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

[Abstract Review] The Mathematization of Economic Theory

The Mathematization of Economic Theory
By. Gerard Debreu.
The American Economic Review, 81(1), May 1991, pp. 1-7.

The introduction of Mathematics into Economics in the early 20th century radically changed the analytical methodology and tools in solving economics problem. It profoundly changed the natural of our profession. In the five short decades, mathematics - formulas and derivations, solved economic models with more clarity, generality, rigor, and simplicity. It becomes a “common language” for economic theory. Mathematics opens an efficient scrutiny for logical errors. The great logic solidity contributes to a fast construction of economic theories. Some of which take a comprehensive view of the economic system.

The raising importance of mathematics can be observed from the increasing pages of periodicals, the size of ES, and the graduate admissions. From 1935 to 1977, the pages increased 12 times, from 400 to 5000 pages. 1944 was the milestone for such growth and it was also the year John von Neumann and Oskar Morgenstern published the Theory of Games and Economic Behavior. The Fellows of Econometrics Society (ES) also contributes to the vast growth. In the 13 research-doctorate programs in US, over 50% of the faculty are ES member. Graduate school also requires proficiency in calculus and linear algebra upon admission. The trend is inevitable.

Physics and economics served some similarity as the application of mathematics benefited the development of both discipline. Abstract concepts were captured through axioms, equations, and calculations. But the experimental feature of physics allowed it to violate the canons of mathematical deduction. Economic theory adhere to the rules of logical discourse, but must renounce the facility of internal inconsistency because its’ lack of experiment base.
The advantages that Mathematics brought are overwhelming. Mathematical analysis in economics is no longer an option, but more or less something that judge your work and career. “The very choice of the questions to which he tries to find answers is influenced by his mathematical background” (Debreu, pg. 5). The danger is whether economics has become secondary, that the strong and solid foundation of economic theory is dominated by the fancy equations and proofs?
The over rely on mathematics is risky if economics theory weakens. It opens a gate for irresponsible models where the equations are fancy but the logics are controversy. For example the causal relationship that is observed in equation: does it really inference a causal relationship or there might be a third cause? This requires careful examinations of economics logics to avoid fallacy.

The allowance for experiment should be developed in economics. Experiment economics is already conducted on micro-level behaviors; it is an alternative tool to examine models or theories. Experiment in macro-level – national economy – is at the moment improbable because the volume is large and cost may be high.
Mathematization in economics is not perfect. It does not capture all of the factors, for example - kindness. But it did have its contribution – a common language for scholars to communicate without misunderstanding.


ECON500500 Reading and Writing in Economics
Abstract review

[Abstract Review] Economics in Action: Ideas, Institutions, Policies

Economics in Action: Ideas, Institutions, Policies
The American Economic Review, Vol. 85, No. 2, Papers and Proceedings of the Hundredth and Seventh Annual Meeting of the American Economic Association Washington, DC, January 6-8, 1995. (May, 1995), pp. 1-8.
George P. Shultz

Shultz suggested that market mechanism and minimum government intervention will lead to economic golden age. He supported the ending of the Bretton Woods system in the Nixon administration and several tax reform acts in his cabinet jobs.

A economy that emphasis on resource allocation, market- and enterprise-base policu, and education create the private incentives necessary for economic growth. Quality education produces skilled and productive labor that is important for political change and open society. A society open to change is an innovative one.

Shultz’s backgrounds lead him to believe that a change in the exchange rate is crucial. Government intervention will do more harm than good because the global economy and the volume of exchange market is too big to manipulate. Moreover, asynchrony can lessen extremes and maintain the equilibrium as a whole. Besides, there is always new entrant and it is unlikely for any businessman to ignore a market that is full of opportunities. In short, Shultz concluded that “the market will win in the end anyway, and the cost of intervention can be high” (pg. 4).

In addition, he observed the inefficiency in BWI and suggested the two institutions to merge and set out missions to emphasize on encouraging private investment and open trade. Moreover, IMF no longer has a par-value exchange system to monitor, and ideas on development also shifted from public sector dominance towards private enterprise and free markets.

Finally, future investment depends on capital saving. To do so, government should reduce deficit, stabilize political condition, ban corruption, and allow privatization. Privatization is most important because it turns “nobody’s money” into “somebody’s money”.

In short, Shultz suggested that open market and freer trade is the key to society’s prosperity. But I argue that such system of openness and international trade may not be as beneficial or else the world is already in harmony. First, the transformation of society is costly if supporting policies are not well planned. International trade is also costly for the environment. Producing at a lower cost did not take account of the carbon dioxide emissions and global warming effects generated through transporting goods. It also forgoes the idea of energy waste and competition for resources. Although resources, in economics sense, cannot be scarce, but environmental damages is inevitable. Second, private incentives do not always coherent between parties. Government should intervene moderately providing the necessary environment, specifically law and orders. Finally, reviewing the past 5 years, the world economy is in chaos. The code of ethics in business world had vanished into the air. Corruption did not cease. I would think the problem is not in open trade and free market, the key is the ethics issue in capitalism that Marx had predicted. The economy is not at golden age, yet.


ECON 500500 Reading and Writing in Economics
Abstract review

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

新角色

新角色

新角色已經扮演大約快一個月,怎麼有點快撐不住、喘不過氣的感覺?

對對,要學習放輕鬆,不要100分。其實在那個環境中要100分也還滿難的,又不是鄉下,大家都很厲害。

要讀文章、寫報告、要口頭報告、要和教授meeting. 數學真是一門天殺的學問,我最羨慕那些從數學系來的人,他們就像是躺著念也可以如魚得水,但是我每次看到模型和公式就想一頭撞牆。

不知道為什麼有個經濟學家認為經濟和醫學有一種相似。我怎麼都不這樣覺得?經濟學並無法解決人類的問題,optimal solution或是Pareto efficiency的存在是很弔詭的。在學問的追求上,有時很孤獨,就像是我無法真正的了解醫學的哲學。


今天拿Perish出來聽,發現跟James Blunt有相同的味道。讓我想到我以前住的光復路2段的神奇桃花源,我學長暈黃的房間、凌亂的書籍、散落滿地的發票,和一個沒有東西的冰箱。

下週起我就要變成國軍英雄的女朋友了。It is so obvious to support a doctor through his training; who on earth supports our soldiers? I so envy those who had already managed through the dark ages, like how when I see those suffering from Eric's lectures, I have this: Thank God It's So Over.

I feel hollow on the commodity consumptions, yet I seriously don't need anything. I just have this urge to hold too many shopping bags and be filled with more commodities than I'll ever need. I really don't need anything, but I wish I can carry Cheery-wine cigar in my bag.

My mind is losing sensible controls and wandering in wonder land.

Mine is just starting....

Monday, April 02, 2007

記憶的惡魔

記憶的惡魔

深夜的週一清晨,我終於靜下來面對近一個月的身心狀況。

我不願承認的,以為自己可以咬牙過去的;然而,終究要去面對對於過往的經驗,懷有恐懼、擔心反覆的情緒。

這樣的一個發現確有如釋重負的放鬆。雖然沒有改善不斷放歌的症狀。但是經過我在GOOGLE上的閱讀,我已大概了解發展的過程。因為焦慮,所以產生應對焦慮的放歌(可能是過往的應對壓力方法,在大腦網絡中內建成一種反射)。

我猜想(至少我希望)這是有病識感的表徵。因為這代表我可以面對我的問題,然後我願意主動的去與他相處,或是克服。這是很困難的一步;不安,因為不熟悉、不了解,而產生害怕與逃避。有看過誰對「感冒」無比焦慮緊張不願面對?少甚至沒有,因為感冒太常在日常生活的經驗中發生,我們不再害怕。


前幾天,我發現自己可以認知,「recovery」的本身可以是症狀的控制和穩定;而我願意去「接受」藥物的控制,願意去重新吃藥,控制自己的問題,以降低自己的問題,讓生活能好好過下去。

外面的天空已經泛白,而我可以看著外面的天空沒有焦慮自己睡不著。我想讓眼淚掉下來,我想要脫離我的生活,停止面對反覆的困境和一直需要練習的和自己相處。我也會想放棄,可是我不想放棄我愛的人,愛我關心我照顧我的人。

我願意在無奈的現實中繼續的打轉。我願意每隔幾週的告訴自己我在進步(即使依照過往的個性我會認為這只是自我安慰的好笑想法,我可以否認我的努力)。

改變,可以當成是對現實的妥協,也可以是對新事物的學習。就像是 the glass half empty, or half full?

When a life is saved,

When a life is saved,

What do you sacrifice, to save a life? Is two hours too much?
How do you value, the life you saved and the time you spent?

If you can save a life, of his 60 or 50 or 70 years, save the sorrows of a family, of his father, mother, daughters, brothers and sisters, by simply spending two extra hours, leaving your one girlfriend home, alone; you'd consider it. It seems so much like a worthwhile trade.

It does, doesn't it?

If the responsible intern had been more careful, had been thoughtful, had not careless, you might have saved the two hours; your girlfriend would have been happy. But, he would be dead. The patient may be dead.

dead, as in a corpse in a morgue.

One wonders, how come the careless intern was so irresponsible. Well as insulting as it is, no one can function well (i.e. concentrate, 100% on top of the game) when the only food intake is fruits or colorful vegetables. Let alone a young male doctor.

No one, can function, without carbon or protein.
(so screw the doctor who is so coward to complete his obligated military service, that he rather turn into a tiny matchstick of BMI less than 10.)

But you saved the patient's life. Even if it means staying at the hospital until 11 PM or your girlfriend is so lonely at home or you damn miss your girlfriend and so on.

It's two hours. Yes, it's sadness and disappoints of life, of the crappy life; but today, you saved his life. Maybe in ICU he didn't survive, but at least, at minimum, you tried. You did what you could have done.

Today, like many other day, you saved a life.



(and he almost killed the guy)

what can we say about that.

-----
Every life saved;
every patient, cut;
every wound, sutured.
Loneliness stood in the dark,
but there,
out at the other end - the tears of joys.
And, I, regardless all the tears fell as the rain poured,
can stand this pain.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

cynical

cynical

根據OXFORD AMERICAN DICTIONARY

1 believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity
• doubtful as to whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile
• contemptuous; mocking
2 concerned only with one's own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them

新聞報導台灣首富說如果他可以選擇,他寧願當窮小子;而這幾年的年初一都是在醫院渡過。我在家裡準備開始工作,不知道該覺得怎樣;或者,好像放棄覺得怎樣。

我們接受很多功名成就的長輩,說他們多後悔年輕的時候如何和家人疏離了、和快樂疏離了;現在老了卻發現自己多寂寞孤單...等。

「每個人都有每個人的痛苦,你們看到的是我光鮮的時候,但是當一個名人並不快樂,過去這幾年來,年初一我都在醫院裡過,如果現在我能有機會選擇,我真的寧可選擇過窮小子的日子。」<中時電子報 2007.3.14>

距離首富說話已經過了一週,這一週都沒有他的新新聞,可能是因為目前也沒有新進展吧!那我能不能推測接下來有周刊報出有人懷孕了呢?

看吧! cynical

2007過了3個多月,已經花費2100在維修一台汽車,昨天買了一台250的腳踏車(其實是宿舍廢棄的,只是牽去整理一下),這週可能要花幾千元修一台油門壞了的機車。今年是交通工具維修年嗎?

我好累:要照顧自己、要一直適應實習醫師的生活型態、要照顧實習醫師、照顧他的情緒他的生活。

一種放棄的感覺,像是先放棄這世界;可是每隔一段時間有覺得好像可以開始相信"苦盡甘來"。難道全都是一個myth,專門騙年少不經人世的小孩?

東壞西壞:一整個維修石化機械的費用,還要擔心破病的醫師。越來越多intake的Rivotril,卻不能真的說出,就彷彿一切都是自找的

像在等待一場大雨淅瀝而下,混著打轉的淚水,帶走說不出的哀傷。

Monday, February 26, 2007

神經質

神經質

一個一輩子都神經質的人到了現在才知道什麼是神經質
神經質就是自己

開工的第一天過的很糟
被人質問幾點上班,跟管理員為了簽約的事情誤會,還發現我的樓下很容易就可以爬上來
總總都讓人感到不安。哀

人在心情不好時,所有訊息都可以perceive badly。讓人傷心。
我也因為承受不了而哭,像是承受不了總總委屈。

但是事情還是需要解決。

需要寫一封信給質問我上班時間的大頭,需要簽約,需要化解困難。晚上睡覺要鎖窗子。


但是值得鼓勵的,我克制了第一個打給他的衝動。第一次,我不去依賴他,不去要他的安慰;這大概也是讓人驕傲的一件大事。我告訴自己,不能打,自己克服。

並沒有想像上的困難。

周遭的很多人像是辛苦的過著日子;苦熬渡過生命的每一天。我不知道是否都有那一個期待,有一天會事過境遷,而看得到甜美的彩虹。

我開始有點希望,開始有點要相信,相信有那甜美的彩虹在等我。這是否代表我漸漸的痊癒,漸漸的要看到晴朗的天空?

我的心理師在得知我和他不在連絡之後,非常concern,很擔心我遇到挫折困難時無法承受。

我想我進步很多。知道要轉移注意力,改變想法;撐過難過,但不要跟自己過不去。雖然一切很緩慢,但是總在行走。

才知道,勇敢不只有一種。

Sunday, February 11, 2007

【歌詞】火光

【歌詞】火光

火光
作詞:姚若龍 作曲:柯貴民

知道很傻 還是盼望 妳會出現 送我出發
手機沒響 揹起夢想 一轉過身 眷戀更深
明天 孤單會是脆弱或力量 想念 會解答

沒月亮的海上 妳是我的火光 找到逆風破浪的堅強
愛能到的地方 都不算是遠方 我不怕

有了牽掛 容易迷惘 妳用消失 要我遺忘
我猜我懂 妳的想法 有些深愛 叫做隱藏
我們 掉的淚是感動或感傷 時間 會說話

*回頭望的淚眶 有最亮的火光 選擇離開或許最恰當
 妳的愛放心上 隨時都能出發 到遠方 我不怕

Repeat *

妳的愛放心上 隨時都能出發 到遠方 我不怕

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Time, the how and how

Time, the how and how

Getting better - it takes a long time. And like many things in life, it doesn't come easy and it doesn't happen overnight. It's painful, but you'd still wish to struggle through.
It's painfully painful.

Improvement comes slow. 回想過去的一年彷彿一輪之久。我像是過了12年的漫長日子,而那年終於過了。今年會好一點嗎? 我不知道。但是我也只能期待有一天會變好。

終於我才知道,到最後是自己說的最重要。每天的快樂也都不重要。安穩,安穩才重要。

即使每天low low的過,可是卻無比安全。比起把自己放在混亂的世界中轉阿轉,難道我該變成陀螺? 強迫著自己要怎樣要怎樣而最後因為沒有達到而恐慌。那我寧願恐慌成就人生等有具體的項目,但是不是焦慮著。終究沒有所謂一直都會怎樣的道理。

很多事情好無奈,可是好像除了接受也沒有其他的辦法。最後我們都會習慣,即使不喜歡,也會習慣的。以前有人跟我說過,只要連續的做21天,你就可以習慣。我在習慣,習慣公務員的機車臉,習慣有天不見的帳單會自然出現,習慣值班。

昨天我男朋友又說我人太好了。我把別人該負的責任幫他分擔一點。我否認著,說因為我做得到,所以沒關係。我否認著,說我希望有天我需要幫忙時別人也會同等的幫助我。可是仔細想想,也許這就是我常受傷的原因。我其實不知道(或者認不清)世界不是這樣轉,不是都有同等的體貼在空氣中飄蘯。讓我想起有次在土城的修車廠旁賣檳榔的大嬸,面對停在他門口擋住生意的轎車,大聲斥喝。是否該強悍起來?

在這裡工作我已經發現(至少在學校),善良就是等著被欺負。你兇的了,你的問題就有人解答。你的支票就會被開出來。我跟公務員的接觸讓我渾身不舒服。我只暗暗慶幸再過29天我就不用報帳了。至少,那無法是我的工作,哈哈。

即使百般不願,但是只要活著,就需要勇氣。我需要勇敢,勇敢的硬起來。可以催眠說服自己,其實有天會苦盡甘來。