Happiness, a gift from God

Happiness is a gift from God.

Two Years Anniversary

Two Years Anniversary

“If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.” Ally McBeal

It was at a year end party and Ally was dancing with a colleague - John. Those were the profound words spoken by John.

Likewise, I believed that in the past two years, although not as smooth as everyone hoped, but we all made it. We had been misunderstood, humiliated, frustrated, hurt, or damaged. At the same time, we had been cheered and encouraged by those we love and those whom love us. I can't speak for my blog partner, but for myself, I'd like to dedicate a short memo for ACDC.

The past two years had been "unique." God had given me a very good lecture regarding life and personal growth. I don't know if I had lived up to his expectation, but I guess the fact that I am still alive means I must have made some progress. Second, my friend, AC, have been very very supportive. Not only he has been there for me emotionally, but also often geographically [i.e. visit me, in case this is confusion. I live at outer space so he always made an effort to go there by spaceship]. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him. Aside from those, I want to send my regards and appreciations to AC's server for us to save all our data here. It's very generous of him. Finally, I'd like to thank every readers here. Needless to say, even myself recognize that most of the posts are craps and have little use, but I yeah, I am a crank and whiner. So for this, I am grateful for no one had complained about me.

genuine, pretend or illusion

One of Mom's very best and outstanding student is studying at Columbia. He writes to Mom regularly, reporting his progresses and plans. Mom and Dad LOVE him, but as for me, I just want to stay as far as I can. The imitating and harsh feeling rush through every time I hear his name. In my world, he is a young man of potentials and a prominent future. He is emotionally strong, devoted, focused, determined and brave. He lives in New York, in a filthy house, tiny room, and mossy air. He is living on debt. He is alone in NY, no friends, no family, and certainly no pet. He didn't have a girlfriend backed at Uni and I can predict that he won't have one in the near future as well. But most importantly, he is fine with all these. He seems satisfied and optimistic about his current status and near future. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He is the strongest person I know. (Actually, I don't know him very well, but whatever). He is perhaps the person whom I'd want to be. He is definitely someone Mom and Dad really love.

Yet, this person that Mom and Dad love, is he really the way he is? Does he fear? Does he feel pain and stress? Is he a robot? What is the deep dark secret? What is hiding in the closet?

Perhaps nothing. Perhaps he is born with all these qualities. I don't know, like I said, I don't know him at all.
We wear armors because we are vulnerable. The fear of hurting or losing hunts us everyday that to protect ourselves, we pretend to be sturdy and confident people. We accept life with equanimity.

When I was a freshman, there were two adjectives that illustrated me: fake and cynical. I am that typical kind of girl who ask a classmate to help fix the computer, reinstall the OS, and change the CPU fan. Then I contributed to my campus, which was filled with guys, a cute face, a adorable personality, and a cajole voice that by all accounts can let a guy melt right there and then. I am fake because I don't have an adorable personality. My roommates said that I am a "dark" person; that if each of us is matched to a color, mine is the darkest black that one can't even tell how dark it is. That is how cynical they thought I was. And it was probably true.

To my siblings and distant family, I am confident, determine, diligent, and strong. But everyone here probably knows the truth - I am so far away from those qualities that if you draw a line scaling least confident to most confident, I am probably an outlier that is not found anywhere.

The promising NY Columbia young lad is perhaps genuine because I have no way of proving he is not. I am a pretend to the University because I pretend to be sweet, charming, and adorable. As for my family, what they perceive, it's just an illusion.

Some truths are not to be said aloud even to oneself. Not saying is not admitting. I am not going to say them, or admit them. As ironic as it can be, I am just going to let it be.
Armors can leave us in solitude, but that's okay because we choose it.

相信能成就大事的人 可以經過大風大浪

My mother once told me: 人生的波折可大可小，但是生活一樣要過。學會看淡點這些起伏，這是人生常態。相信能成就大事的人，可以經過大風大浪。

I took my AWA on Monday and I hoped that life will be easier on me. That the days will be in peace and there will be no troubles or worries. But the reality proved me wrong. The feeling sucks because just as I am trying to cram all the materials before 10/25, my mind is also occupied by other event that are not necessary directed related to me, yet is related to me.

The good thing is my sister and I fixed the couch. It is so 窮學生在美國生活的感覺。I must admit that feeling is very familiar and also hilarious.

Summer of 2008

As the summer approaches to an end and though it seems that turbulent will quietly cease, I still don't feel the relief, relaxation, or excitement. To be honest, I hope the future don't come as I regret this summer's existence. The mixture of anxiety, stress, doubt, soreness, responsibility, resentment, and drama. They were all subtle. I could not and can not, for a single moment, stop to face the stuck feeling that is hunting me every day. I could not feel comfortable enough to sleep sufficiently. And I HATE people telling me to relax, to take it easy. Though I know life will turn out alright as these are all part of God's plan to consolidate my ability to be a grown up, I must say - either God has the confidence in me, or that God is simply suffering from heatstroke.

The past few days had been a blast. I was at war with the aged apartment - faucet with dripping water, water heater that does not provide hot water, bathroom fan that does not turn, straw mattress with inelastic spring and tilted surface, and non-woven closet that had shrink after washed. Funnily, everyone concluded the landlord's personality fitted perfectly with his previous profession.

---one week laterAfter a week of struggle, things are finally on track. The apartment looks more like a home now. The living room is decorated with my style; there are always food in the house, and I try hard to make sure there are always dessert in the refrigerator.

Yesterday, the couch broke while my sister sat on it (well, another guy and I were on it too. So really can't blame her for the broken sofa). All in all, after a day of sitting on the floor and a trip for "concrete block/ tire/ tree trunk" shopping in the street, I decided to use a stack of my sister's books (I did contributed Calculus) to solve the problem. The couch is really a crap now and I can't imagine it getting any crappier, but if it really get any worse, I have decided to let it be.

Tomorrow is Labor Day and the summer is official over. The feeling is wonderful, I have made it to the finish line; every day is a new war, the struggling continues, and the summer is over!

Oh, and did I mention that I love the place!

Chocolate Cake & Banana Cake

Chocolate Cake A

1 1/2 C flour
1 C sugar (cut down for less sweet taste)
1/2 tsp salt
3 tbs cocoa powder
6 tsb oil
1 tsp vanilla powder (add more or less for desire taste)
1 C milk (or use milk and
1 egg
1 tsp baking soda

Bake 175 C for 30 minutes

Chocolate Cake B
2 C flour
1/2 C sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
3/4 cocoa
1 C oil
1 C hot coffee
1 C milk
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

375 F for 30 minutes

Banana Cake

1 C white sugar
1/2 C butter
4 bananas
2 C flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp Vanilla
2 eggs

* Banana continues to ripe even if they are in refrigerator. My experience is when the banana is too ripen to put outside, peal the skin and put it in airtight container and store in the refrigerator. The best banana cake is made with ripen banana with its brown juice. (Although it looks terribly gross, it is really worth it).

1) beat butter and sugar until white and fluffy.

2) add egg and vanilla

3) add mesh banana

4) add rest
190 C for 30 minutes

Chocolate Frosting cream - best with banana1 1/3 C sugar powder 3 T cocoa powder3 T butter2 T and 1/2 tsp milk powder1/2 tsp vanillasome liquor
I tried with various proportion of the ingredients. Because it is really easy to make, it is hard to go wrong. I replaced milk powder with fresh milk and it taste fine.

Self-sufficient

Be extraordinary; be stronger.


Last night when I said "some things cannot be obtained from no one else," you asked me whether I had much experience to say such a thoughtful thing.

My classmate at John Hopkins is having some complaints about her boyfriend in Taiwan. She whines that he's not supportive, did not keep his promise of writing a letter every week, and do not know she studies finance instead of accounting. Overall, she is just complaining that her boyfriend is not there and she is lonely. The life in the States is hard and he is not around. She'd like to keep the commitments between them but he is not making an effort.

(I wonder if he has another new girlfriend in Taiwan now)

The thing is those emotional supports are not something others can give you. Emotional independence is difficult. My single friends don't have these emotional independence problem but that doesn't mean they are not lonely. They may spend time and money on themselves to compensate their loneliness. However, the truth is what others can give you is limited.

Her boyfriend can not imagine the hard time she is going through. He did not have the experience of studying abroad, therefore, he won't understand and he could not care more. When one leaves the homeland to seek for a better future, even for two years, the person ought to know that she is leaving her past life behind and that nothing will be the same.

Self-sufficient is a protection against all emergencies - financial, emotional, physically. Frankly, I don't know how to deal with Microsoft problems because I use an Apple. However, I have good friend who can help me and if time go real bad, I can send it to fix because I can afford it. Of course this is not the best scenario, but then again, I know how to do other things: I know how to turn a 'raw and live' fish into a 'dead and eatable' dish, I know how to 'chop chicken into pieces', I know how to 'paint a house and walk on the ladder', and I know how to dress myself, seduce guys, and coax them.

But I want to be stronger and be emotional independent because it is better for me. The sense of security is not something that one can get from other people; it is something that one has to practice to have in order to protect against all odds.

I want to be stronger; before, I'd want to be stronger for the ones I love, but now, I'd just want to be stronger for myself. To protect myself, to be self-sufficient.

Drag

Everyday is a drag. Every morning, I drag to get up. Then 30 minutes after I sat down, the anxiety kicks in. The fearful pressure of thesis composing. Lately, the weather had been sunny. I should like this weather, but somehow I don't. Everything reminds me that April is going by fast and my thesis is not.

Anxiety attack.

It is this feeling that I am so tired that I might die. Not those 'i might as well as go to hell' sort of feeling, rather like 'i am always in hell.' It is dreadful, painful, and dragging.

Me the whiner can't get a grip.

I know this feeling. I have known this feeling since I was 15. It is this anxiousness emotion that you feel like you can't breath. Lately, the volume is high and low. Sometimes it is really bad, others just feel like a drag.

I just hope that someone can free me from all these crap emotions. But seriously, deep down, even the whiner knows that the only person that can set me free, is me.

The stuck feeling, not hoping tomorrow to come, yet don't hope today to end.

--ignore the nonsense that I blahed blahed blahed

milestone

This morning is a milestone. I got up at 6.30 and made myself a cup of 'french press coffee'. The bean I used is Brazilian Santos. French press is convenient, although the downside is that if the bean is not well-blended, then the coffee is 'dusty', especially when drinking the bottom. As for taste, it is rather light. (My mother will be happy to know that for the next month, the coffee I am drinking is 'light'.)

I made a resolution to practice writing and read enormously. Although it is not yet the time for my GRE test, I realize English proficiency don't pop up overnight. It is definitely not the case that I pray to God for power and then I gain superpower the morning after. Therefore, I have decided that I will write something everyday, a.k.a. craps. Since reading and writing are compliments, which means that to write well, one needs to read lots. Hence, I have assigned myself to read something everyday. Unlike the usually leisure reading, I now have to take notice of the structure, word usage, and ideas. Basically, I have to study how the native speaker writes. So here is my plan: reading materials includes TIME, Scientific American, and Wall Street Journal; writing topics - abstract, commentary, and daily-rattling-self identification blog.

Yesterday I read an article on blood doping and the usage of performance-enhancing drugs. The author used the "game theory" from economics to explain why athletes take the risk of harming their body and walking along the sideline. The main argument is if others say they are doing it, then it's hard for other athletes to not follow. Because those who don't follow fails to compete. The english is not very hard but the idea is very interesting.

Link to article: www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-doping-dilemma

美國夢

美國夢好像越來越近就越來越退縮
我不知道別人如何度過一天
我倒是知道我像是在追趕
choking像是很適當的形容詞
suffocating


隨著年紀越大 週遭的事情就越多
有時解決別人的問題反而比較容易
自己的問題一直逃避
直到別人的問題變得困難 直到下定決心面對自己 直到覺得別人的問題已經快變成自己的問題
然後

為什麼美國夢沒有那個excite
就像大公司小老闆裡面的小夥子說的: are you excite!

Whisky Cream Cake

On the 4th day of 2008, I couldn't help to indulgent myself by making a cake with Suntory Whisky and whip cream. Yeah, tell me about the creamy, sugary, and inebriating. 8 o'clock in the morning, and a girl couldn't hold the urge to open the bottle.

1 c butter
2 c sugar
6 eggs
3 c cake flour, sifted
1 c heavy whipping cream
1/2 tsp. vanilla (optional)
3 Tbs. whisky

Instructions
Cream butter and sugar and beat until light and fluffy. Add egg one at a time and beat well. Then add cream, beat until really really smooth and liquid; add the whisky, more beating. Finally add the flour but stir gentle and don't stir too much. Baked at 165C for 40 minutes. Use a bundt pan.

It tastes warm and sweet, and the scent of liquor makes you inebriate. It's like floating in the air. The sun is shinning outside but the cake makes staying indoor worth while.

[Abstract Review] On the Origin of Money

On the Origin of Money
by Carl Menger
Economic Journal, vol. 2, (1892) p.239-55. Translated by C.A. Foley

[Abstract Review]
Menger talked about the development of money through the social/institutional structural. The article covered the genesis of media of exchange, the saleableness of different “commodity money”, and how metal became money. Most importantly, Menger stated the money is not generated by law but a product of social consensus. To understand the origin of money, it is worthy to find out why we need money?

Money has three functions in any economy: as a medium of exchange, as a unit of account, and as a store of value. The most original form of money is commodity goods: crops, live stocks, house, women, land, etc. At the time when people barter, people simply trade what they want with what they have. The system works fine except that the cost of transaction is high and trade faces its limitations. The saleableness of commodity is contingent to time and space; for example, the preservation of commodity increases the costs of transaction. If the commodity is a bunch of bananas, you’ll have to settle a deal before the fruit rotten. The price variations may also cause confusion in the market; for example, more bananas supply today and therefore purchasing power of bananas go down. The cost of carrying out transaction may exceed the benefits of exchange. The second challenge of using commodity goods as medium of exchange is how to store value. By this definition, banana is not a good candidate for money.
Recall that one of the primary functions of money is to store value; to ensure that the purchasing power don’t go down. Therefore, the best type of money is the kind that can reflect its true value during any circumstances. This corresponds to the “saleableness” of money, and the “market” condition.

From money’s three functions, it is easy to infer that money is not an institutional law but to a certain degree, a social consensus – the market. The value of money is free of government intervention. The logic is that government can impose a value, but it is left to the market to decide whether the law is reasonable. If the people do not accept such rule, they will trade using the way in which they believe is the most beneficial for themselves. This is most obvious in a time of hyperinflation when government issued currency loss value and the society exchanges using food, gold, or barter. The same case goes when the society loss faith in the government issued currency and decides to hold on to other medium of exchange that is better at storing value.

Money is mostly market-dependent and government-independent. Government can issue money in aiding the cost of transaction or provide a commonly accepted medium of exchange, but cannot prohibit other forms of mediums. It is the society to decide which type of exchange that is most efficient and the market decides the value or price of each medium of exchange.


ECON 500500 Reading and Writing in Economics
January 2nd, 2008