像是人財兩失一般

經過了兩週的no pretend，發現生活並沒有變簡單。這樣的結果真像是人財兩失。現在想想，難道我有天真到以為放任心情不好就能使生活變如意嗎?

鳥事沒有減少，生活的壓力一般大。上週熱浪來襲，每天都要四十度。家裡的溫度計飆高到32度是常態，窗戶關起來反而比較涼。終於在星期日下午下了一場大雨，帶走了溫度。小綠眼一週都在煩惱學生工作簽證和台灣家裡的事情。國際學生辦事處都會告訴學生，在學生工作簽證還沒有下來前不要出境；即使有學生工作簽證，也最好有「適當」工作再離境。所謂「適當」工作是什麼? 這個認定非常的不明確，基本上這工作要是正當的，與所學相關的。簡單來說就是要能讓海關覺得你不是在找機會滯留美國，而且讓你入境是有必要的。這樣就非常的random阿。

小綠眼的學生工作簽辦的有些不順利。包括去郵局寄一份相關的文件就花了3小時的時間，一度讓我擔心郵件寄丟了，後悔自己沒有用UPS而相信美國郵局。週五因為沒有學生簽證，但是又有可能需要離開美國，而開車去學校辦事情。開車是因為天氣熱，節省時間。結果被開了一張42美元的停車罰單。收到罰單連要去申訴的力氣都沒有。這樣的鳥事排山倒海的來，伴隨著炎熱和潮濕的空氣，真希望時間可以停止。

 

就這樣虛度了一個週末。

 

接著，家人又跟我說健身房打電話去家裡。出國前，我把健身房的約給暫停。現在發現這幾年可能都用不到了，想要完全停約。打了電話，櫃台說要等週一經理上班才可以處理，叫我留email，經理會跟我聯繫。我心裡想，我相信你會跟我聯繫，大概100年之後吧。又有一天在無意義的焦慮中度過。

 

讓我回到精力充沛的生活吧。漫畫流浪者說大便本來就會發生。這樣說是沒錯。現在想想在農場的時候，每天的勞動使得沒有力氣想很多有的沒的，或許那就是為什麼生活比較有活力又覺得能過得下去的原因。想太多本身不能改變事情，自己才可以吧。

 

Maybe…

This is the kind of life I live…

我幫自己剪了頭髮，不是因為我很厲害，是因為我不想也無法花$50元去mall給設計師剪，可是我又不相信路邊的$15元可以剪出一個叫髮型的東西。用個經濟學的說法，就是那邊際效用不等於邊際成本。所以我自己照著鏡子剪了一個像是"羽毛剪"的髮型，但事實上那只是看不到後面和旁邊所以隨便打薄的結果。

 

I hate it. I literally hate Baltimore

清晨

早上五點四十五

滴水聲。對街在開冷氣。

垃圾車開過去。

人們在上班的途中

我泡了咖啡，點了蠟燭，坐在吧檯桌上

晃著。

規劃要事情

想著。

生活很像很快樂

無可避免的

生活其實很孤單

朋友不是沒有

是沒有對的感覺

我們是被現實主宰

i have decided not to pretend for a while

So far, I try not to complain about the THIS, and look at things from the BRIGHT side or the GOOD side.

Enough!!!

This is the life I have:

I want a pet cat because they are good company and they make me happy. Problem? I can't afford it. I can't afford to pay for the food and cat litter. So no cat.

I am not a fan of socializing. Seriously, shoot me in the head. But I move to a nice, cozy, everyone complimented apartment so that I can establish networks and have friends. PRETEND. Seriously.

My boss have this project that I don't think make sense. Does she give a damn about the methodology of the study? Not from a non-economics perspective. THIS is research we are talking about. Shouldn't we put efforts into studies that are worthwhile and contribute to the society not just STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT?

Three points. I'll stop now.

I should make a wish list.

if i pretend

If I pretend that I can make it, that I can do it, long enough, will one day I could to stop pretending?

Is it an illusion that I am capable of going through each day, still alive?

Is the lack of quality sleep an indicator that my mind is a mess?

Are the dreams of people from places that would never meet a sign that this supposedly new phrase is giving me way too much pressure.

Am I the only few people who receive craps and shits on a regular basis?

Breath. Inhale. Exhale.

an email that i didn't send

I suppose you are surprise to see my email without a Re on the subject line. I can't remember the last time we spoke. An actually conversation that was not forced by my husband because he claimed that I should say a proper goodbye, which I thought was a terrible lunch.

I suppose you don't think I am apathy and a bitch for doing what I did. Perhaps you still don't understand why I had to do it. Do I resent myself for doing so? Probably not. Do I think about what I did and try to mend it. Yes. Am I progressing? No.

So what is the point of me writing an email?

I don't know. I think I just got to this point that I feel like I have to write something to you but then can't really hit the send. One'd say, but the person will see it anyhow because this person actually visits your blog, duh! Yeah, I am aware of that, but perhaps this person won't recognize it given that I am a nut.

I remember the why. Repeatedly, I ask myself if I can change myself to sort of accommodate. I can't. Maybe because I am afraid and think that it might not change anything in the end. So I don't want to take a risk. Yes, I admit.

I do think about this, maybe more often than I want to.

Another phrase

Okay 所以我承認new phrase 很 cliché，我根本不是一個陽光的人，所以新的開始巴拉巴拉只是一種disguise。

不過真的是一個new phrase。六月我到了農場當了三個禮拜的農夫，那是人生中最快樂的一段時間。勞力的付出和體力的消耗很satisfying。但是我去了第一天就覺得那地方實在有點怪，到了第三天我已經想離開。可是我直到了有一個100度的星期四，我才終於想通為什麼我無法繼續做下去。那時，我才覺得我可以離開了。我把事情想清楚了。

六月底，我開始搬家。搬離了那個老鼠窩，到了downtown一個叫做Mt. Vernon的區。有很多舊建築、餐廳、酒吧(沒有脫衣舞廳)、住家、畫廊、藝術小店。新家布置得很舒適，沒去過舊家的人可能會以為這就是我們的風格。不，我們也曾住過老鼠窩。

七月：跟著大陸老師做中國大躍進時代飢荒和經濟發展的研究，以及做農場決策和經營的經濟回顧。然後優閒的過生活。

下一學期，我有一份full time的研究工作。每週20個小時。我預計要修三門三學分的課，一門一學分的獨立研究。我需要開車上學。還有我要準備明年畢業的找工作。

see, new phrase