Two Years Anniversary

Two Years Anniversary

“If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.” Ally McBeal

It was at a year end party and Ally was dancing with a colleague - John. Those were the profound words spoken by John.

Likewise, I believed that in the past two years, although not as smooth as everyone hoped, but we all made it. We had been misunderstood, humiliated, frustrated, hurt, or damaged. At the same time, we had been cheered and encouraged by those we love and those whom love us. I can't speak for my blog partner, but for myself, I'd like to dedicate a short memo for ACDC.

The past two years had been "unique." God had given me a very good lecture regarding life and personal growth. I don't know if I had lived up to his expectation, but I guess the fact that I am still alive means I must have made some progress. Second, my friend, AC, have been very very supportive. Not only he has been there for me emotionally, but also often geographically [i.e. visit me, in case this is confusion. I live at outer space so he always made an effort to go there by spaceship]. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him. Aside from those, I want to send my regards and appreciations to AC's server for us to save all our data here. It's very generous of him. Finally, I'd like to thank every readers here. Needless to say, even myself recognize that most of the posts are craps and have little use, but I yeah, I am a crank and whiner. So for this, I am grateful for no one had complained about me.

genuine, pretend or illusion

One of Mom's very best and outstanding student is studying at Columbia. He writes to Mom regularly, reporting his progresses and plans. Mom and Dad LOVE him, but as for me, I just want to stay as far as I can. The imitating and harsh feeling rush through every time I hear his name. In my world, he is a young man of potentials and a prominent future. He is emotionally strong, devoted, focused, determined and brave. He lives in New York, in a filthy house, tiny room, and mossy air. He is living on debt. He is alone in NY, no friends, no family, and certainly no pet. He didn't have a girlfriend backed at Uni and I can predict that he won't have one in the near future as well. But most importantly, he is fine with all these. He seems satisfied and optimistic about his current status and near future. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He is the strongest person I know. (Actually, I don't know him very well, but whatever). He is perhaps the person whom I'd want to be. He is definitely someone Mom and Dad really love.

Yet, this person that Mom and Dad love, is he really the way he is? Does he fear? Does he feel pain and stress? Is he a robot? What is the deep dark secret? What is hiding in the closet?

Perhaps nothing. Perhaps he is born with all these qualities. I don't know, like I said, I don't know him at all.
We wear armors because we are vulnerable. The fear of hurting or losing hunts us everyday that to protect ourselves, we pretend to be sturdy and confident people. We accept life with equanimity.

When I was a freshman, there were two adjectives that illustrated me: fake and cynical. I am that typical kind of girl who ask a classmate to help fix the computer, reinstall the OS, and change the CPU fan. Then I contributed to my campus, which was filled with guys, a cute face, a adorable personality, and a cajole voice that by all accounts can let a guy melt right there and then. I am fake because I don't have an adorable personality. My roommates said that I am a "dark" person; that if each of us is matched to a color, mine is the darkest black that one can't even tell how dark it is. That is how cynical they thought I was. And it was probably true.

To my siblings and distant family, I am confident, determine, diligent, and strong. But everyone here probably knows the truth - I am so far away from those qualities that if you draw a line scaling least confident to most confident, I am probably an outlier that is not found anywhere.

The promising NY Columbia young lad is perhaps genuine because I have no way of proving he is not. I am a pretend to the University because I pretend to be sweet, charming, and adorable. As for my family, what they perceive, it's just an illusion.

Some truths are not to be said aloud even to oneself. Not saying is not admitting. I am not going to say them, or admit them. As ironic as it can be, I am just going to let it be.
Armors can leave us in solitude, but that's okay because we choose it.

相信能成就大事的人 可以經過大風大浪

My mother once told me: 人生的波折可大可小，但是生活一樣要過。學會看淡點這些起伏，這是人生常態。相信能成就大事的人，可以經過大風大浪。

I took my AWA on Monday and I hoped that life will be easier on me. That the days will be in peace and there will be no troubles or worries. But the reality proved me wrong. The feeling sucks because just as I am trying to cram all the materials before 10/25, my mind is also occupied by other event that are not necessary directed related to me, yet is related to me.

The good thing is my sister and I fixed the couch. It is so 窮學生在美國生活的感覺。I must admit that feeling is very familiar and also hilarious.