記憶的惡魔
深夜的週一清晨，我終於靜下來面對近一個月的身心狀況。
我不願承認的，以為自己可以咬牙過去的；然而，終究要去面對對於過往的經驗，懷有恐懼、擔心反覆的情緒。
這樣的一個發現確有如釋重負的放鬆。雖然沒有改善不斷放歌的症狀。但是經過我在GOOGLE上的閱讀，我已大概了解發展的過程。因為焦慮，所以產生應對焦慮的放歌(可能是過往的應對壓力方法，在大腦網絡中內建成一種反射)。
我猜想(至少我希望)這是有病識感的表徵。因為這代表我可以面對我的問題，然後我願意主動的去與他相處，或是克服。這是很困難的一步；不安，因為不熟悉、不了解，而產生害怕與逃避。有看過誰對「感冒」無比焦慮緊張不願面對?少甚至沒有，因為感冒太常在日常生活的經驗中發生，我們不再害怕。
前幾天，我發現自己可以認知，「recovery」的本身可以是症狀的控制和穩定；而我願意去「接受」藥物的控制，願意去重新吃藥，控制自己的問題，以降低自己的問題，讓生活能好好過下去。
外面的天空已經泛白，而我可以看著外面的天空沒有焦慮自己睡不著。我想讓眼淚掉下來，我想要脫離我的生活，停止面對反覆的困境和一直需要練習的和自己相處。我也會想放棄，可是我不想放棄我愛的人，愛我關心我照顧我的人。
我願意在無奈的現實中繼續的打轉。我願意每隔幾週的告訴自己我在進步(即使依照過往的個性我會認為這只是自我安慰的好笑想法，我可以否認我的努力)。
改變，可以當成是對現實的妥協，也可以是對新事物的學習。就像是 the glass half empty, or half full?
Monday, April 02, 2007
When a life is saved,
When a life is saved,
What do you sacrifice, to save a life? Is two hours too much?
How do you value, the life you saved and the time you spent?
If you can save a life, of his 60 or 50 or 70 years, save the sorrows of a family, of his father, mother, daughters, brothers and sisters, by simply spending two extra hours, leaving your one girlfriend home, alone; you'd consider it. It seems so much like a worthwhile trade.
It does, doesn't it?
If the responsible intern had been more careful, had been thoughtful, had not careless, you might have saved the two hours; your girlfriend would have been happy. But, he would be dead. The patient may be dead.
dead, as in a corpse in a morgue.
One wonders, how come the careless intern was so irresponsible. Well as insulting as it is, no one can function well (i.e. concentrate, 100% on top of the game) when the only food intake is fruits or colorful vegetables. Let alone a young male doctor.
No one, can function, without carbon or protein.
(so screw the doctor who is so coward to complete his obligated military service, that he rather turn into a tiny matchstick of BMI less than 10.)
But you saved the patient's life. Even if it means staying at the hospital until 11 PM or your girlfriend is so lonely at home or you damn miss your girlfriend and so on.
It's two hours. Yes, it's sadness and disappoints of life, of the crappy life; but today, you saved his life. Maybe in ICU he didn't survive, but at least, at minimum, you tried. You did what you could have done.
Today, like many other day, you saved a life.
(and he almost killed the guy)
what can we say about that.
-----
Every life saved;
every patient, cut;
every wound, sutured.
Loneliness stood in the dark,
but there,
out at the other end - the tears of joys.
And, I, regardless all the tears fell as the rain poured,
can stand this pain.
What do you sacrifice, to save a life? Is two hours too much?
How do you value, the life you saved and the time you spent?
If you can save a life, of his 60 or 50 or 70 years, save the sorrows of a family, of his father, mother, daughters, brothers and sisters, by simply spending two extra hours, leaving your one girlfriend home, alone; you'd consider it. It seems so much like a worthwhile trade.
It does, doesn't it?
If the responsible intern had been more careful, had been thoughtful, had not careless, you might have saved the two hours; your girlfriend would have been happy. But, he would be dead. The patient may be dead.
dead, as in a corpse in a morgue.
One wonders, how come the careless intern was so irresponsible. Well as insulting as it is, no one can function well (i.e. concentrate, 100% on top of the game) when the only food intake is fruits or colorful vegetables. Let alone a young male doctor.
No one, can function, without carbon or protein.
(so screw the doctor who is so coward to complete his obligated military service, that he rather turn into a tiny matchstick of BMI less than 10.)
But you saved the patient's life. Even if it means staying at the hospital until 11 PM or your girlfriend is so lonely at home or you damn miss your girlfriend and so on.
It's two hours. Yes, it's sadness and disappoints of life, of the crappy life; but today, you saved his life. Maybe in ICU he didn't survive, but at least, at minimum, you tried. You did what you could have done.
Today, like many other day, you saved a life.
(and he almost killed the guy)
what can we say about that.
-----
Every life saved;
every patient, cut;
every wound, sutured.
Loneliness stood in the dark,
but there,
out at the other end - the tears of joys.
And, I, regardless all the tears fell as the rain poured,
can stand this pain.
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