This was written last Friday. I had one of those break down days. I don't want to deny how bad I felt, as all these are part of the new life. Part of giving myself another chance.
The day finally is coming to an end. After a sleepless night and finally fell asleep on the couch in the study at 5 am, waking up several times in between. With back aches, I crawl back to bed after the smokers left the complex.
I woke up finally at 9 and had a conversation with my brother that I sympathized. With all my heart, I hope he gain the wisdom to solve problems in life that are inevitable.
I wanted to scream.
Then I called my landlord and told him my sleepless night. He was kind enough and said he drop off a ventilation fan for us to suck the air out in the bedroom/blow the bad air away the window. I thank him gratefully. He has been kind to us, and tried his best to address my difficulties with the smokers next door.
I surfed the net and wrote an e-mail to my doctor. Then I burst into tears for the third time this week. The door bell rang and I went to get a package from downstairs. I ran into the neighbor with loud TV and thank him for turning the volume down. He also sympathize my situation. Though it doesn't bother him because he has A/C on 24-7.
Then it was two o'clock. I read, surfed the net a bit more, before cleaning up the kitchen and biked to the library. I sat by St. Mary by the Sea and read when my landlord called and said he'll drop off the fan for me.
I biked home. Installed the fan. Not sure if it will do what my landlord hoped - push the smoke away. It was a kind gesture of him and I knew that I have to follow his lead if I want him to help me fix the problem.
Then I showered, drank soy milk and wait for my husband to come home.
I did a mini speed training at the baseball field today. I biked 1 mile to the field; did 7 or 8 rounds of speed training, and biked 1 mile home. It was mini if not tiny, but I was so out of breath and my heart was racing like crazy.
This was the first time that I ever stepped on a baseball field. It felt like being on a baseball field. The next field, three guys were batting. I was not too impressed and also fear being hit by the balls.
I read a few days ago that runners who do not engage in speed training are prone to injury. The argument was that the body is doing repetitive works by the time the performance hit a plateau.
That made a whole lot of sense and is probably one of the reasons why I stopped improving and started having knee injuries. The biking has helped a lot on building muscles and I have been throwing in running once a week (for two weeks now).
I came home and did some post-run yoga with Youtube. I feel refreshed and relaxed now.
My mind was cloggy before I left for training. I was trying to process information I learnt this morning and dissect my feelings. I told my friend, before I left for speed training that -
I feel weird talking about it because this is his/her thing, and I'm afraid that I'll be judging the person. I didn't realize that I am very protective. I fear that the person will get hurt, and I have very conflicted feeling to my fear. I think I wouldn't have this fear in another scenario, and I think it's wrong of me to have double standards.
I have learnt that words are powerful, and can be interpreted very differently. For example, if I say: you will have to face me if you hurt X. The phrase is certainly protective and my intention meant well (also threatening), but it is also signaling that I don't trust X to protect or stand up for him/herself.
And I feel bad for my parents, who will have to learn, accept, and make changes. I can imagine that this is a shock to them. My dad, who can't even dealt with my illness, has to learn to accept the world in another perspective that he never anticipated. This is like teaching old dogs new tricks. Life is hard as is, why makes it harder.
When my dad couldn't dealt with my illness, I could brush it off (not easily, but still) because I realized that being ill was not equal to failing. I was disappointed at him, but could sympathize with his feeling and frustration. He felt the daughter is no longer perfect and took this personally. While the truth is life is not perfect, it was perhaps difficult for him to accept this fact when for he has been so proud of his creation.
As for my mom, well, I don't know. Sometimes, she has the strength to accept life as is, while other times complaining about trivial and mundane stuffs.
Finally, this really cute song that I like, Cups, performed by Anna Kendrick.
Now, off I go to drink my dinner (i.e., soy milk with real soy beans), and then to my weekly heart-to-heart session with real Americans.
I HATE my neighbors. Between the smoking and the TV noises, I just wanted to shoot them all.
The downstairs neighbor turned down the TV last night and while I could still heard some of it, it was tiny that I can't push the issue further. I invited him to my living room and had a nice 15 minutes conversation. Tonight, it was like - hello, I'm pretty sure he turned the volume up slightly.
And the neighbors are smoking outside AGAIN. They have no courtesy.
It's like living in a zoo (a metaphor, I have not lived in an actual zoo). I am so moving next year.
上週四早上陰雨綿綿，下午天氣放晴，我決定去小跑一下，看看這幾週騎腳踏車有沒有讓大腿肌肉進步一些。我穿了跑步的背心和短褲，頭髮隨便綁了一下，拿了兩支鑰匙就出門了。我開開心心的一邊跑一邊在內心大聲叫著: I love running, love the challenge, love the pain. No pain, no gain. I love love love feeling sweats dripping down and the muscle working, yada yada yada...I am stronger. Move forward, I love the challenge to the body. I love the challenge to the soul.
加護病房不是人人都大搖大擺就走進去的，我需要有人幫我開門，然後帶我繞過一間一間的病床。電梯裡遇到一個穿著整齊的OL，他看了我一下。然後我勉強的說: I was locked out...
終於到了加護病房的護理站，護理長說他去幫我叫小綠眼。我站在那邊玩手指，他的同事看著我，我無奈的對他微笑。小綠眼聽到護理長說你太太在這邊，轉頭東張西望卻認不出我來。最後他終於看出那個站在櫃台後面只剩一顆頭的人是他太太。走了過來。我看到他說: I forgot my keys. 他說: then how did you get here? 我說: the neighbor drove me. 他說: 歐。
Today and the past week (and perhaps tomorrow, too) have been some of the worst days in the past eight years. I am sort of back to this uncontrollable emotional state, frighten and anxious over the details of each and every thing occurred. My mind, nose, and ears are extremely sensitive to the environment. Noise and sound, how are they different? Once is pleasurable while the other is irritating?
Here, I hate it. Absolutely HATE this place. The endless residential suburban neighborhoods with scatter stores - Trader Joe's, Whole Food, Home Depot, Kohl's. While some people envy my close proximity to these stores, convenience, and all, I just dislike it. Trader Joe's or Whole Food, they are not priorities in my life.
No good restaurants that I like - and so far we have gone out a few times.
Paying this amount each month and feeling like living in a dump. How is it different from living in the next city, with more crimes than Baltimore?
Here, it's all white. The mind set is white; the world is white.
