長大後的世界

距離目的地100公尺。這究竟是旅程的開始，還是旅程的結束？

人生好像是這樣，即使有家人或情人或朋友，那路程還是很讓人孤獨。

說人生像旅行把這過程浪漫化了。一個人在旅行是多麼自在和快樂，雖然可能遇到各種意外，但是情緒上卻是輕鬆的。每天的生活卻無法那樣輕鬆的說出口。

是一種矛盾的情緒

小時候，希望快點長大，因為長大可以有hot shoes and great sex (quote Meredith Grey in Shake your Groove Thing)，但是成人的世界代表responsibility. 而最糟糕的事情卻是當「我以為的世界」和「真實的世界」出現了一種落差的時候，當一個又一個事件逐漸築起來一面隱形的牆，而使人想逃走、跑走、躲起來悶著頭像鴕鳥。可是卻不是那樣的。當你知道一個東西應該這樣時，要怎麼選擇不那樣做呢? 而這種矛盾的情緒可以藉由吃好一點的食品或藥物來增加消化的能力、強化消化系統嗎?要怎麼不拉肚子?

而我們的目標，究竟是目的地，還是旅程轉運站? How do I know what I value in life, how do I be certain that what I am aiming for is really what I want? And if in fact it is what I wanted, how much effort to I put in till I should say uncle?

Today I spent the afternoon with Daliet. We talked about pets, vaccum cleaners, and photography. I asked him about how photographs reflect a person's view to the surrending world. It is actually the case if the artist has a huge collections, then in the end, it does one way or another reflect how he/she see the world. For a person who is learning photography, it takes practices to shot the pictures, the pictures that express for us.

關於世界和自己，在2006年的春天，曾有一位醫師學長對我說：醫生說:你的diet很有趣，它也許反映妳世界與方式

他對我的的"奇特"飲食習慣很有興趣，並且好奇為什麼我如此堅持。不喜歡吃鹹、油、甜、炸的食物；燙青菜不要加"任何"調味；不吃肉 (吃魚，但是如果沒有得選那preference是牛羊雞豬)。不喜歡吃白色的澱粉類，例如：白飯 白麵包 (吃全麥麵包、糙米飯、胚芽米飯)。醫生學長問我為什麼不吃白色的? 「因為他們缺乏維生素B群，而且他們要吃很多才會飽；再加上他們的代謝速率比較快,這樣很容易餓」，當年 我那樣回答他。

自從那陣子之後我的飲食越來越有彈性。而去年秋天開始固定煮飯之後，我的食物就更加的多元，嘗試了許多不同的料理方式和食材。廚房是一個給了很多正面情緒的地方。所以如果有人說要送我一個廚房，我應該會很開心吧。至於我對於世界是否有像當時那麼堅持，我不知道，也許要問問小綠眼吧。

過年前考完了申請學校的最後一考試 - 托福。之後的一週，心情相對輕鬆，覺得終於有時間和力氣做自己的事情。星期四突然接到電話，家中在這週多了一隻寵物。而從昨天起，覺得type II的mood mode又出現了。



昨晚洗澡時我在想，這樣的below the normal line，對於心情沮喪，到底hypo-mania而occured的較好(or 較受到我偏好)，還是type II的呢?



時間突然被壓縮了很多，也許這是心理狀態的感覺，實際上沒有真正差別，因為大家說貓很好養。但是責任，去照顧一個生命，可能是mini-version of a human being，卻沒有辦法讓我輕鬆的說出。例如說，有時候他一直喵喵叫，我不知道她需要什麼；又如同他如果要吃藥，我就要和他苦戰(雖然有漸漸的改善，at least i hope)。還有，我怎麼知道我那樣的和他相處，會教導他成為一隻適當的貓，而不是寵壞他呢? 我相信這需要一些時間，可是這樣從天外飛來的也太突然了。

家中的新房客

這週末家裡搬來了一位新房客，是一隻貓，叫做「賴咪咪」(可以叫咪咪、喵喵、或喵咪，他心情好時，叫哪一個都會應你)。喵喵本來跟我爸媽和弟弟妹妹一起住在有鄉下，有院子的透天厝。院子有很多尤佳利樹、小葉欖仁、大葉欖仁、紅仙丹(又叫賣子木)、不會開花的鳳梨盆栽、黃金葛、很多株酪梨樹、一株玫瑰花、一盆桔類植物(給蝴蝶吃的)、一個大堆肥坑。聽起來很豐盛很像很大一個院子，其實除了尤佳利樹之外，所有的植物和堆肥坑大概就只有一坪大吧。

後來因為搬家了，所以就把咪咪給另外一個家庭養，因為那個家人家裡有小朋友，而且她們也有院子和草地。喵咪去那邊還滿快樂的，常常在做日光浴、爬樹和抓小鳥。可是後來因為那邊的野貓太多，喵咪在外面跟人打架打輸了，身體被咬。

喵咪這星期搬到台中的陽台，陽台上有一些木板可以讓他趴在上面。給了他一個可以跳的籠子，當作是他的房間。陽台原本很亂，但是因為咪咪的關係，我就變魔法把所有房東留下來又不可以丟的木板(垃圾)全部藏起來。

喵咪坐火車的時候很乖。原本以為他會一直亂叫，但是他卻很配合的直到快到台中時才哼了幾聲。到新環境他剛開始很興奮，晃來晃去。一直喵喵叫，晚上也喵喵叫，還要我半夜爬起來陪她一下。這兩天喵喵一直趴在籠子最上層不大出來，不大吃東西，也不喝水。不過我看PTT說成貓三天不吃不喝都算正常，well, she is eating some and drinking some 所以應該還OK吧，我想。

昨天她有到客廳逛了一圈，在電腦螢幕前走了兩圈，而且不會踩鍵盤，真是乖。她就一直蹲坐在檯面上觀察家中的動靜(當然是沒有動靜啦，當時只有我一個人)。他也在浴室去看了一看，等到晚上我去用浴室看到滿地的「獅子」腳印差點昏倒。「喵喵，你的腳會不會太髒了一點!!」半夜又繼續喵喵，但是今天晚上我實在太累了，就在床上叫他乖乖好好睡，不要吵鄰居哦。然後我就昏過去了。

剛剛去看她，他繼續窩在籠子下的一個大軟墊上，還對我喵了兩聲，跟我說：ㄟ，我還在這邊哦，不要擔心。天曉得她一直趴在那邊筋骨不會酸嗎?

她的軟墊今天去曬太陽了。等我有空再幫他做一個可以穿在肚子上的衣服，這樣就可以帶她去鄉下的三合院曬太陽，也不怕他會跑不見。

只是生活事件

有一天我去拍照時，看到酒店的外牆上有個威士忌新品廣告，配著晨間的陽光真的很美，於是拿起剛好帶出門的FM2要拍。接著我就被酒店樓上出租套房的一個大叔質問：你是那裡的，到底要拍幾張，你在拍什麼的，為什麼要拍, etc. 你不知道拍酒店是很敏感的嗎?人家會以為你是刑事局來的。像是這種特種行業，你會被人追著打的。那種電動玩具店你知道吧，你要是去拍，是會人家追著殺的，破壞你的相機，把你底片當場抽出來…etc.

接著又在近公園的途中，遇到一隻往生的貓。

然後我就覺得很衰

當然沒拍酒商的廣告了，為了那種事情出去還滿笨的。但是刑事局或警察有這麼笨嗎?沒事拿一個超大台的傳統底片機，50mm的鏡頭是能幹麻啦!真要拍不會站在遠遠的拿高畫素的光學變焦哦~間諜年代時也是拿lomo機阿，沒有人再拿FM2想要從事跟監、調查等工作吧。
至於遇到往生的動物，雖然要遇到往生的動物很容易。但是遇到一隻那樣往生的動物還滿難的。所以我的驚嚇是合理的。

最後一件事情是有天晚上我在電腦發現的一些檔案。雖然已經過了幾天，實際上也不是真的什麼能責怪或是持續生氣的事情 but it still bothers me. I find myself starting to doubt him, less trust. And at night, the images flash in front of my eyes, so vague yet vivid that I can’t fall asleep.

「因為這就是美國」電影： Milk 自由大道

這似乎會是一部很好看的電影，主要是在講Harvey Milk，美國第一位同性戀的公部門officer的故事。電影演Milk的40歲到被謀殺間，他的個人生活和政治生涯，故事發生在舊金山。

我從預告片聽見一句話：「因為這就是美國」，這也是他吸引我的原因之ㄧ

這是一部2008年的電影，由Sean Penn演Milk，導演是Gus Van Sant ，有拍Elephant, Good Will Hunting。開眼界電影的廣告標示2月才會上映。

我想應該會滿inspiring的。

http://tw.movie.yahoo.com/movieinfo_main.html/id=2904

芹菜荸薺豬肉水餃

荸薺 數個
芹菜 4束
絞肉 1斤
水餃皮 1斤
太白粉 2大匙
海鹽 1小匙
金蘭薄鹽醬油 1大匙 1小匙
蒜 4顆

所有東西都切成末，攪勻。

荸薺在市場上有買兩種，一種是以去皮泡鹽水；另外一種是帶皮(有點像是栗子，但是再大顆一點，皮比較薄)。我是買新鮮的回家自己去皮，因為不曉得市場上處理過的是放了多久。台中一袋是30元，大概有20多顆。泡鹽水的目的是防止他變黑。去皮的時候要很小心，因為很小所以我在刨皮時不小心用到自己的手，就少一塊皮啦 哈哈!)

* * *

水餃的長相不是很好看，但是口感還不錯。妹妹說很好吃，她是水餃專家，所以他說的算。呵呵

那天做了獅子頭-洋蔥荸薺肉丸，肉餡是請妹妹攪的。她攪得很勻(會花很久時間啦，她說手很酸)，筋和肉的組織都被切斷了，一鍋看起來糊糊的。這樣的肉丸吃起來，洋蔥、荸薺和絞肉像是融在一起。沒有機器幫忙之下，雖然手會很酸，但是攪的過程還是不能偷懶!

一天就這樣過去了

一早起來 MSN所有的聯絡人都不見了，真是快昏倒了

早上登錄MSN，覺得很奇怪，因為清單上沒有聯絡人(只剩下把我封鎖的前男友.....還在上面)。這樣的感覺還滿恐怖的，像是被世界遺忘一般。而信箱中多了三封信，一封是我寄給我自己，但是不是我寄的；另兩封是post delivery failure etc。我在MSN上的聯絡人都不見了，通訊錄裡也沒有人。也找不到MSN的技術部門可以協助。


到底是「誰」或是哪一台「機器人」，選擇把所有的聯絡人都刪除，除了一個人啦。最好是他那麼聰明知道誰是誰啦，還是這只是一個巧合?! 天曉得阿! 真是craps~

唉，這樣的早晨感覺還真糟。市場今天有賣很多漂亮的包包，都是滿不錯的材質和設計，比大學夜市的幾百塊漂亮很多，而且還有一攤買手工皮件的。我有點想要一個皮製的手環，可是還沒有看到特別喜歡的。只覺得今天很討厭ㄋ，天氣不錯，可是有一些工作要做，不然好像出去散散心，拍照哦。

有一天我去拍照時，看到酒店的外牆上有個威士忌新品廣告，配著晨間的陽光真的很美，於是拿起剛好帶出門的FM2要拍。接著我就被酒店樓上出租套房的一個大叔質問：你是那裡的，到底要拍幾張，你在拍什麼的，為什麼要拍, etc. 你不知道拍酒店是很敏感的嗎?人家會以為你是刑事局來的。像是這種特種行業，你會被人追著打的。那種電動玩具店你知道吧，你要是去拍，是會人家追著殺的，破壞你的相機，把你底片當場抽出來…etc. 接著又在近公園的途中，遇到一隻往生的貓。

然後我就覺得很衰當然沒拍酒商的廣告了，為了那種事情出去還滿笨的。但是刑事局或警察有這麼笨嗎?沒事拿一個超大台的傳統底片機，50mm的鏡頭是能幹麻啦!真要拍不會站在遠遠的拿高畫素的光學變焦哦~間諜年代時也是拿lomo機阿，沒有人再拿FM2想要從事跟監、調查等工作吧。

至於遇到往生的動物，雖然要遇到往生的動物很容易。但是遇到一隻那樣往生的動物還滿難的。所以我的驚嚇是合理的。

最後一件事情是有天晚上我在電腦發現的一些檔案。雖然已經過了幾天，實際上也不是真的什麼能責怪或是持續生氣的事情 but it still bothers me. I find myself starting to doubt him, less trust. And at night, the images flash in front of my eyes, so vague yet vivid that I can’t fall asleep.

就在這樣的一小角，和望著門望這樣的天空過了一天。

情人節禮物

情人節禮物

多醫師昨天說情人節要到了，在想要送女朋友什麼禮物，沒有一點靈感小綠眼問對方喜歡什麼，多醫師說是「動物」。

小綠眼於是提議可以送「玩偶」。

可是多醫師回嗆說：都老大不小了，送什麼玩偶。

陸地說可以去看團團和圓圓阿。

多醫師說他隔天要上班...

這時家中的另一個空間傳來一個聲音：可以打扮成團團和圓圓，我在西門町有看到在賣服裝哦! (嗯，我也覺得這提議很好!!)

MSN的視窗上顯示一串無言的符號......

多醫師說他想送「手鍊」。

小綠眼又答腔說：要送就送腳鍊阿，手鍊才是小朋友的玩意兒勒。腳鍊又特別，又性感。

多醫師覺得這提議很好，因為他也有看過女朋友戴腳鏈。(嗯嗯!)

小綠眼又提出反對意見：「這樣就沒有屬於你自己的回憶了...那還是送手鍊好了，上面有掉很多動物，和動物手機袋，和動物鑰匙圈」

這時，我的視窗上出現了一下文字

「我不要跟你們兩個腦殘講話了，我要去讀書了，難得她沒來可以讀書」

唉~見色忘友就算了，小綠眼和我還敵不過ㄧ本幾百頁的原文教科書阿。

健身房的人

健身房除了運動還有一件很有趣的事情，觀察去運動的人。在運動的時候，人的很多行為都還無隱瞞的表現出來，甚至非常地仔細，似乎是"人如何看待自己和希望別人看待他"。例如：YF是一個我新認識的朋友，我們有一次討論為什麼跑步機上會有畫著濃妝的美女。我們一致認為跑步時會流汗，彩妝會糊掉，而且應該會堵塞毛孔。或是有時候晚一點離開時，會看到美眉們在半夜12點時在化妝，可是她的穿著又不像是要去上班或是玩樂。

從運動服中也可以觀察到人的個性。小綠眼和我常常一起分享眼睛被嚇到的裝扮。有一次他看見一個姐姐穿兩截式運動衣，露出一大截軟軟的肚肚在做仰臥起坐；另外有一次我看見一個穿著緊身粉紅豹裝、畫藍色眼影、燙米粉捲頭的姊姊要去跳有氧。我差點昏倒在手扶梯上啦，因為實在太恐怖了。我們猜想他們應該都是屬於自我感覺良好的人吧，所以才有能力很若若大方的展現出他們的美。可是其實也有真材實料的啦，那種胸肌非常緊實的帥哥阿，或是大腿線條超優的美眉，可是這樣的人真的還滿少見的。因為我還滿常去的，所以我知道。

PT也會分享很多勁爆的話題，像有一次我下午上課時就看見一個沒看過的教練，我問PT說那是不是新來的，因為都沒有看過。PT跟我說：那是因為他都上戶外教學課。我當時還真的很笨的問PT說，健身房有戶外教學課程哦，那是上什麼? 然後PT就跟我說，「歐，就是電影欣賞、美食品嘗之類的」，然後我就「哦」了一聲。我想「之類」的應該包括很廣吧…

而且在台北才誇張，有次牛仔就跟我說他在會所的有氧教室看到一票很正的美眉在運動，他的教練告訴他那些漂亮的美眉都是情婦階級哦。所以恩，第一情婦不是天生的，他們也需要運動；第二情婦可能常常出現在你的週遭只是你不知道而已。

更衣室是一個很激勵人努力運動的場所。常常去洗澡的路途中會看見身材超棒的背影，可是從鏡子中看見臉時就會熊熊的嚇一跳，因為阿桑至少也有個50歲吧! 看到一個阿姨有那麼好的身材，實在不大敢偷懶。不過偷偷分享一個祕密，皮膚是騙不了人的，身材再好的阿桑也很難有20歲緊緻的肌膚阿 ㄎㄎ

新嘗試

The world frightens me.
There is an invisible wall between me and the rest of the world.
I use to pretend to know how to interact with the world beyond the wall.
Then, I got tired and hid.
But now, I decide to try to reach out. We might not become bff, but it’s a start.
So here is how I perceive the world.

我在facebook和flickr上建立了帳號，把生活紀錄上去。Flickr上放了些intriguing, important, insane的照片。

大家都說網路產生安全距離，讓人可以reach out to the world。But for me, blog and photo album is frightening enough to give me an anxiety attack.

這應該是要放在自我介紹之類的地方，可是貼上後又怪怪的，所以先亂放一通吧。

舊的一年終於過去

今天已經是2009的第9天了。第九天，我才開始感受到新一年的開始；今年，我比大家少了九天。

小時候，每年都會有new year resolution，設定新一年的目標、改變、計畫。我忘記我去年的是什麼，不過我記得去年我對新一年的來臨欣然接受。但是今年我卻很排斥、逃避。

去年的下半年過得不是很順遂。雖然生活中沒有發生重大傷害等事情，可是卻覺得不是很順利，也沒有開心的感覺。生活的進步就只有煮飯、健身、和成績非常差的GRE。除此之外，出國的壓力也讓人喘不過氣來，時時感到焦慮。身體也很不好，光是細菌感染就搞了三個月，害我那三個月都過得很不舒服，一直反覆使用抗身素。申請學校和健身房的支出使得我們負債累累。這些事情雖然是暫時性的，可是越調適得很差。我又不願意和對方一同分擔這樣的感受，因為這些是生活中的無奈，而無奈的事情不需要一直重複的提起。

這樣的日子一直過，對於煮飯我也開始懶惰。一部分原因也是因為不再知道要煮什麼，另外一部分是因為味覺對於"鹹"好像有一種莫名的排斥。可是肚子又常常處在餓的狀態，真是有點煩死了。

雖然是這樣，還是只能繼續讓日子過下去。至少要做到from sunrise to sundown.

[Dilemma] Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship.

To discuss the statement, there are two aspects that need to take into considerations. The first one is whether honesty is the "most" important virtue for any relationship; and second, is telling the truth always preferable. In my opinion, the most important consideration of any relationship is subjective, and honesty is not always the best policy.

 

Every individual develop their value system and their relationship patterns based on past experiences. Some people who had good experiences with trusting people or knowing the truth might find honesty a very essential quality in any relationship. Yet others' experiences might lead them to believe that qualities such as patience, kindness, humorous, or wealth trump honesty. Hence, the proposition of honesty is most important would subject to individual differences.

 

On the other hand, one has to discuss whether telling the truth generates a better outcome. To me, honesty is only good when the outcome of telling the truth is good. The truth should bring out a win-win game, rather than leaving one party guilt-free and damaging the other. Consider a case where a soon-to-be husband got drunk at bachelor party and performed an inappropriate behavior, should the groom tell the bride? Suppose he told her and the bride run-off with a broken heart, is this outcome superior than if the man had said nothing because he firmly believes that he will keep his vows forever?

 

Another reason why I disagree with the statement is sometimes the event of which the truth should be told is not relate to us. Suppose one is settling a big business account with a client but accidently saw the client's wife is having an affair. Should the person tell his client for the sake of "honesty"? I would disagree because the wife's affair has nothing to do with the business deal. Furthermore, the client might not appreciate the truth and break the account. In this case, the truth would leave the salesperson no business contract and a broken marriage. Moreover, this truth is not even remotely related to the relationship between the salesman and the client.

 

In conclusion, I disagree that telling the truth is the most critical issue for any relationship. Rather, not only should one always consider the merits of each case prior to telling the truth, but also should be aware that some truths might not be related to us and hence it is not our position to tell them. All in all, honesty may not always be the best policy.

Bad day

Yesterday was terrible. The rhythm is off. There were so many things that I detested happened. More often, it is an obnoxious feeling that really bothers me. Just like as I sat on the sofa waiting for Way at the Gym, I could not help but wonder – is there really an invisible glass between the rest of the world and me that I cannot fully understand the cycle of the universe?


I met a friend at the gym on my way to the locker room. A friend whom I introduce her to personal trainer class (helped her got two free consulting classes). I joked with her of having time to come that evening and chatted. She asked me if Way came too and commented on his high energy. Then 30 minutes later, I saw her with the PT trainer. I was stunned. It was just on Monday that she asked for the PT's cell number and told us that the classes are too expensive and she doesn't want to buy them. Yet two days later (and BTW, I met her during Tuesday and Wednesday daytime), she went for a PT class. My curiosity lies here: why didn't she tell us that she signed up? Is it because she forgot? Is it because she was uncomfortable telling us that she made the opposite decision?


Way insisted that I am upset because I felt she didn't consider me as a friend. It is not even remotely true. I am not upset because she didn't tell me; I am upset because I can't figure out why. To me, I think this is very interesting. At the same time, I think I more or less use this incident and the reason behind it to evaluate the growing friendship. I just call it self-protection. The fact is an answer like-well, I just don't feel comfortable telling you- is okay because then I'd know that she's not that ready to be friends. But seriously, what is the big deal of not telling anyways?


The project has a new assistant.
People seemed to be annoyed by the long survey and reluctant to fill them. I had been asking people for 'favors' and keep telling myself that this is my job. Yes, it is my job. And apparently, I am on an hourly wage of $120 per hour.

在遷徙之中，分離成為人生的一部分

我以前問T說他是否有想到搬到另一個城市，用新的態度、新的樣子、新的風格，重新出發。在那個看不見自己過去的都市，展開一個全新的人生、認識新的朋友、建立新的關係，揮別過去的悲傷快樂和朋友。他回答我說，以前他有想過，而現在他要在「舊的城市，重新出發。」

我一直沒有真正的能體會那樣的感覺。因為在我跟他談完這件事的不久，我就繼續地在台灣的各個城市遷移。台中市北區、台中市西屯區、台南市、新竹市、桃園縣龍潭鄉、台東市。每到一個新的城市，就可以看見新的風貌；每個都市的人(總體氣質)都展現不同的特質。北部的人重視隱私，冷漠 (to some extent snobbish)、現代化、知識水平較高，有一定的社會秩序，廁所相對的乾淨。南部的溫馨溫暖，常常問你吃飽了沒，在市場愛殺價，加減排擠不會說閩南語的人。

 

但是都市遷移對我的影響超過都市差異的適應。首先，我沒有很多的家當，不念舊，隨時都可以說再見。於是認識的朋友都像是旅行中相遇的旅人，沒有「一群朋友」，沒有聯絡中的國小同學。而且，若不是因為有MSN，我的高中和我應該就完全沒有關係了吧。以前我有時會感嘆這樣的結果，雖然都是自己找來的，可是現在我大概也都釋懷了。這就是人生阿!! XD

 

移動是相對的。隨著年紀的長大，很多人都離開台灣了。我的移動就像是別人的移動。大家都和大家說再見、大家都和其他的大家成為新朋友。長大的世界中，分離只是人生的一部分。

Happiness, a gift from God

Happiness is a gift from God.

Two Years Anniversary

Two Years Anniversary

“If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.” Ally McBeal

It was at a year end party and Ally was dancing with a colleague - John. Those were the profound words spoken by John.

Likewise, I believed that in the past two years, although not as smooth as everyone hoped, but we all made it. We had been misunderstood, humiliated, frustrated, hurt, or damaged. At the same time, we had been cheered and encouraged by those we love and those whom love us. I can't speak for my blog partner, but for myself, I'd like to dedicate a short memo for ACDC.

The past two years had been "unique." God had given me a very good lecture regarding life and personal growth. I don't know if I had lived up to his expectation, but I guess the fact that I am still alive means I must have made some progress. Second, my friend, AC, have been very very supportive. Not only he has been there for me emotionally, but also often geographically [i.e. visit me, in case this is confusion. I live at outer space so he always made an effort to go there by spaceship]. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him. Aside from those, I want to send my regards and appreciations to AC's server for us to save all our data here. It's very generous of him. Finally, I'd like to thank every readers here. Needless to say, even myself recognize that most of the posts are craps and have little use, but I yeah, I am a crank and whiner. So for this, I am grateful for no one had complained about me.

genuine, pretend or illusion

One of Mom's very best and outstanding student is studying at Columbia. He writes to Mom regularly, reporting his progresses and plans. Mom and Dad LOVE him, but as for me, I just want to stay as far as I can. The imitating and harsh feeling rush through every time I hear his name. In my world, he is a young man of potentials and a prominent future. He is emotionally strong, devoted, focused, determined and brave. He lives in New York, in a filthy house, tiny room, and mossy air. He is living on debt. He is alone in NY, no friends, no family, and certainly no pet. He didn't have a girlfriend backed at Uni and I can predict that he won't have one in the near future as well. But most importantly, he is fine with all these. He seems satisfied and optimistic about his current status and near future. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He is the strongest person I know. (Actually, I don't know him very well, but whatever). He is perhaps the person whom I'd want to be. He is definitely someone Mom and Dad really love.

Yet, this person that Mom and Dad love, is he really the way he is? Does he fear? Does he feel pain and stress? Is he a robot? What is the deep dark secret? What is hiding in the closet?

Perhaps nothing. Perhaps he is born with all these qualities. I don't know, like I said, I don't know him at all.
We wear armors because we are vulnerable. The fear of hurting or losing hunts us everyday that to protect ourselves, we pretend to be sturdy and confident people. We accept life with equanimity.

When I was a freshman, there were two adjectives that illustrated me: fake and cynical. I am that typical kind of girl who ask a classmate to help fix the computer, reinstall the OS, and change the CPU fan. Then I contributed to my campus, which was filled with guys, a cute face, a adorable personality, and a cajole voice that by all accounts can let a guy melt right there and then. I am fake because I don't have an adorable personality. My roommates said that I am a "dark" person; that if each of us is matched to a color, mine is the darkest black that one can't even tell how dark it is. That is how cynical they thought I was. And it was probably true.

To my siblings and distant family, I am confident, determine, diligent, and strong. But everyone here probably knows the truth - I am so far away from those qualities that if you draw a line scaling least confident to most confident, I am probably an outlier that is not found anywhere.

The promising NY Columbia young lad is perhaps genuine because I have no way of proving he is not. I am a pretend to the University because I pretend to be sweet, charming, and adorable. As for my family, what they perceive, it's just an illusion.

Some truths are not to be said aloud even to oneself. Not saying is not admitting. I am not going to say them, or admit them. As ironic as it can be, I am just going to let it be.
Armors can leave us in solitude, but that's okay because we choose it.

相信能成就大事的人 可以經過大風大浪

My mother once told me: 人生的波折可大可小，但是生活一樣要過。學會看淡點這些起伏，這是人生常態。相信能成就大事的人，可以經過大風大浪。

I took my AWA on Monday and I hoped that life will be easier on me. That the days will be in peace and there will be no troubles or worries. But the reality proved me wrong. The feeling sucks because just as I am trying to cram all the materials before 10/25, my mind is also occupied by other event that are not necessary directed related to me, yet is related to me.

The good thing is my sister and I fixed the couch. It is so 窮學生在美國生活的感覺。I must admit that feeling is very familiar and also hilarious.

Summer of 2008

As the summer approaches to an end and though it seems that turbulent will quietly cease, I still don't feel the relief, relaxation, or excitement. To be honest, I hope the future don't come as I regret this summer's existence. The mixture of anxiety, stress, doubt, soreness, responsibility, resentment, and drama. They were all subtle. I could not and can not, for a single moment, stop to face the stuck feeling that is hunting me every day. I could not feel comfortable enough to sleep sufficiently. And I HATE people telling me to relax, to take it easy. Though I know life will turn out alright as these are all part of God's plan to consolidate my ability to be a grown up, I must say - either God has the confidence in me, or that God is simply suffering from heatstroke.

The past few days had been a blast. I was at war with the aged apartment - faucet with dripping water, water heater that does not provide hot water, bathroom fan that does not turn, straw mattress with inelastic spring and tilted surface, and non-woven closet that had shrink after washed. Funnily, everyone concluded the landlord's personality fitted perfectly with his previous profession.

---one week laterAfter a week of struggle, things are finally on track. The apartment looks more like a home now. The living room is decorated with my style; there are always food in the house, and I try hard to make sure there are always dessert in the refrigerator.

Yesterday, the couch broke while my sister sat on it (well, another guy and I were on it too. So really can't blame her for the broken sofa). All in all, after a day of sitting on the floor and a trip for "concrete block/ tire/ tree trunk" shopping in the street, I decided to use a stack of my sister's books (I did contributed Calculus) to solve the problem. The couch is really a crap now and I can't imagine it getting any crappier, but if it really get any worse, I have decided to let it be.

Tomorrow is Labor Day and the summer is official over. The feeling is wonderful, I have made it to the finish line; every day is a new war, the struggling continues, and the summer is over!

Oh, and did I mention that I love the place!

Chocolate Cake & Banana Cake

Chocolate Cake A

1 1/2 C flour
1 C sugar (cut down for less sweet taste)
1/2 tsp salt
3 tbs cocoa powder
6 tsb oil
1 tsp vanilla powder (add more or less for desire taste)
1 C milk (or use milk and
1 egg
1 tsp baking soda

Bake 175 C for 30 minutes

Chocolate Cake B
2 C flour
1/2 C sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
3/4 cocoa
1 C oil
1 C hot coffee
1 C milk
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

375 F for 30 minutes

Banana Cake

1 C white sugar
1/2 C butter
4 bananas
2 C flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp Vanilla
2 eggs

* Banana continues to ripe even if they are in refrigerator. My experience is when the banana is too ripen to put outside, peal the skin and put it in airtight container and store in the refrigerator. The best banana cake is made with ripen banana with its brown juice. (Although it looks terribly gross, it is really worth it).

1) beat butter and sugar until white and fluffy.

2) add egg and vanilla

3) add mesh banana

4) add rest
190 C for 30 minutes

Chocolate Frosting cream - best with banana1 1/3 C sugar powder 3 T cocoa powder3 T butter2 T and 1/2 tsp milk powder1/2 tsp vanillasome liquor
I tried with various proportion of the ingredients. Because it is really easy to make, it is hard to go wrong. I replaced milk powder with fresh milk and it taste fine.