5樓之2

5樓住著一對年輕的夫婦。男主人每天早上鬧鐘會固定響三次：6:50、7:00、7:10。

 
他家的貓跟鬧鐘一樣準時。每天鬧鐘響第二次時，女主人就會起床看一下貓，倒一點飼料，對他喵幾聲，然後烤麵包和泡咖啡。有時他們早上也會喝豆漿，但是不大喝鮮奶。大約在7:20的時候，女主人就會去請她先生起床，她會說：小寶，起床了，等下來不及了。然後貓就會聽到男主人恩恩ㄚㄚ的幾聲。在先生盥洗刷牙的過程，太太就替他挑好了當天要穿的襯衫、褲子、和襪子。接下來他們會一起吃早餐，或是太太會倒在沙發上瞇一下眼，或是去幫貓換水。

貓早上會在家裡逛來逛去，之後她就去睡覺了。大多的時候她睡在自己陽台的房間，只有少數時候他會睡在客廳。

等先生去出門後，太太接著去招呼貓咪。貓咪不會刷牙，但是塗一些潔牙凝膠在牙齒上，讓她自己去舔。接著把貓在半夜的尿尿和便便挖起來，把陽台的地用小掃把掃一掃。

如果那天冰箱是空的，太太會隨意的套一件上衣和破爛的牛仔褲去500公尺外的傳統市場買菜。她會騎腳踏車，她已經很久沒有走路去市場了。有時她會問問大樓的保全需不需要幫他買早餐或是食材。

大樓的保全一直以為太太已經30歲了。這樣的描述讓大家啼笑皆非。事實上，有時太太長的像大學生，少數時候她打扮得漂亮出門，大多的時候她穿著邋遢，而且頭髮凌亂沒有整理。曾經有一次中午，夫婦倆要去和久不見面的朋友吃飯。那天太太穿了件裙子，頭髮胡亂地用造型品抓一抓，配上一雙低跟的絨布皮鞋。保全沒有認出她，以為是哪一家新搬來的住戶。其實很多人都不知道，那位太太的專長之一是變身。

Late fall/early winter pool

karma is a bitch

I went through the Drafts and saw this. I don't remember when I wrote it. I know whom I was referring to. It is funny still.

* * *

A few years ago, a distant friend made a comment about studying overseas. That studying public health oversea is merely a dip in western ink. Such a sour grape comment.

Over the past few weeks, I read this friend's comments about the medical provider work environment in the country that he is practicing in.

I feel sad for him. And perhaps because I am holding the grudge for what he said, I don't empathy but indifferent with what he is going through.

Self-sufficient - revisit after 6 years

Out of the blue, I went through some old blog posts, and came across this one:
http://zaheeragreen.blogspot.com/2008/05/self-sufficient.html

Six years after the initial post, I am still on the path to become self-sufficient. How far have I come?

Honestly, I don't know (and I should really be getting ready for work).

But I wanted to make a note on this paragraph:

"Self-sufficient is a protection against all emergencies - financial, emotional, physically. Frankly, I don't know how to deal with Microsoft problems because I use an Apple. However, I have good friend who can help me and if time go real bad, I can send it to fix because I can afford it. Of course this is not the best scenario, but then again, I know how to do other things: I know how to turn a 'raw and live' fish into a 'dead and eatable' dish, I know how to 'chop chicken into pieces', I know how to 'paint a house and walk on the ladder', and I know how to dress myself, seduce guys, and coax them."


Seriously, I found this funny. I no longer use Apple and still don't know how to fix Microsoft problems. I do know how to filet a strip bass, cut a whole chicken, and paint TV stands. I am much better at dress in my style. I do NOT know how to seduce guys. I do get favors sometimes if I act sweetly.


Self-sufficient: an exercise, revisiting it six years later.

It's what you do that makes you brave

"What you feel doesn't matter in the end, it’s what you do that makes you brave." Andre Agassi


On a random Facebook post, I came across this quote from Andre Agassi. "It's what you do that makes you brave." I can't say I was "enlightened," but reminded that, it's about what we do with the feelings, and not just the feelings themselves.


I spend a fair amount of time, constantly, dissecting feelings: fear, annoyance, irritations, anger, unexpected happiness...By knowing the cause of a feeling, I will be able to isolate out factors that triggered the feeling, and make a decision or judge a situation. I'm hopefully, that by doing so, the decision is made with reason and logic, not instinct and intuition.


By doing so, I'm more likely to not take things personally. And by not taking things personally, I feel (again) more controlled of my environment. I wouldn't be hurt as easily because I know it wasn't personal.


Over the years, I've became extremely sensitive to subtle facial expression and body language change. I often get nervous when the reaction was not anticipated. I cannot always interpret them correctly, and likely to ponder on reactions for a prolong period of time. There was an article that showed pictures of people's eyes and asked readers to interpret their emotions. I came to the conclusion that the exercise is "culturally specific." The eyes reflect cultures and backgrounds of people (duh). The bottom line is this reading skills need learning and practice.


Back to feelings and feeling feelings: it what you do that makes you brave. This is all that matters. At the end of the day, it is about moving forward in life, despite the twists and turns.

Happy Hour with coworkers

Last night I went to a happy hour with some co-workers. It was a department sponsored event and managers expected attendance. I was tired and didn't want to go, but I went. I went because I know networking is part of the job. I know that if nothing else, I get a free drink or two. But really, I went because I don't want to be the team player when co-workers refer as: she comes in, does her job, and get paid.

I went, and I talked to one co-worker who is leaving the company for a consulting firm in NY. He shared his observations on the lack of support in this department; leadership style, and his manager; that he likes to build things, make changes. And finally he asked me - what's your ideal job, what do you want to do if? And said to work towards that goal.

Then I talked to Kevin and told him how I was upset over a recent promotion of another co-worker. That the rumor (and I believed, too) that a recent job posting that senior management shared with the department was earmarked for a specific person. I personally thought the fact that management shared the posting (due to annual feedback) to show that she is responsive to feedback, but the position was intended for a specific person was stabbing her team members in the back. But Kevin said to me - I didn't apply for the job. So what do I care.

In all fairness, he is right. I didn't apply for the job, why do i care?

Then I hanged out with four guys - Kevin, Mike, Marc, and Greg. Greg said he has been here for a while and heard people's complaints. He said people think the world or workplace is fair, but it isn't. I said - if they want fairness, they should stay in school, and "maybe" it'll be fair. Then the conversation randomly went to education reform and how schools do not teach about the real world.

Mike asked if everyone wants another round and I originally said yes but later changed my mind. Mike came back with the beers, and saw my new Sperry Top Sider. He asked me where I got it and we had a small conversation on where I bought the shoes in Westport. He said his wife will love it. As I was about to leave, Mike said he'll buy me a drink.

I was like - okay...if a co-worker is willing to buy you a drink for you to stay and chat, I better say yes.

So I stayed. By then, most people had left and it was only me and the four guys.

Then Marc and Greg left.

And Mike asked me how long I have been in the U.S., and we talked about cultural difference. When I told him how a Caucasian man gets "adore" (or to an extreme, worship) in some Asian space, he was bummed, and kept saying he wants to move to China.

The guys also talked about the "80s" and I asked them - how old they were. Turned out they were all before the 80s. They must have thought that since I brought it up, they can ask what year I was born. So I told them, and they were all like - Whoa!

I told them how everything in the U.S. is a learning process. From how to file taxes to understand the English language (ham vs a ham vs the ham vs hams).

In very recent interaction with Kevin and Debbie, who lived in CT all their lives, I have learned that this is the "real America." That many of the things I go through and experienced are foreign. The truth is, I no longer feel like I can't be honest about how challenging it is for a foreign to compete and make a living here. I started to feel like, I'm part of this community and this is my experience. And because it is my experience, it has of equal value and importance to their American experience.

In all fairness, I was glad that I went. Because once and twice and third time of these gathering, and you gradually meet and know people. You build relationship and network. When I came here last year, I knew one people in CT. I started the life from scratch, but looking at what I have accomplished - to joke and drink beers with guys, have conversations, I moved along the path. It isn't as bad as I thought.

Happier?

Finally, this week is ending. July finally ended. The month was eventful to say the least, and hopefully, August will be better. Or not? Either way, at least I am more capable of tolerating it.

It is funny how the universe comes together in its own way and lends you a hand when you are ready. So as this week, my mind sort of regains the strength to keep my head up, I came across several pieces of reading that were encouraging. As I read through this piece on giving oneself credit for being happy, I thought how much progressed I've made over the years to "not be sad."


Here are 20 signs you are happier than you think:
1. Being happy is no longer a chore.
Cannot comment.

2. You no longer focus on your problems.
3. Your relationships are less dramatic.
True for the most part until very recently.

4. You no longer complain or blame others for your situations.
Practice being accountable.

5. Your dreams are coming true.
Little by little, maybe. Life is easier, sort of. More financially stable, too.

6. You know life isn't supposed to be hard.
I don't know. I think life is hard.

7. You like who you are, and you know you're doing the best you can.
I do like who I am, most of the times yes. And I am doing the best I can.

8. You smile often, even when you're alone.
9. You feel a sense of peace in your heart.
No, not for a while.

10. You see life as an adventure and are more comfortable in the unknown.
11. You don’t take yourself so seriously.
12. You feel your feelings and allow yourself to work through them.
Yes - this one I do very well. I learned to recognize my feelings, accept them, and work through them. The most important key is to find out why I am having the feeling and it isn't a feeling I want to experience moving forward, how do I avoid the situation. 

13. You lean into love more than fear.
14. You're more comfortable in silence.
Many times, yes.

15. You're kind to yourself with your thoughts.
I try.

16. You allow people to be who they are instead of trying to change them.
Yes! 

17. You don’t take things personally. You know it isn't about you.
For the most part, yes.

18. You give without expecting anything in return.
Yes.

19. You take risks with your heart.
I do. Comicrover said I try so hard. 

20. You don’t settle.
This is a fine line...

tiny step

I felt a bit better after the blog was refreshed, picture was changed, and the previous cheesy title "Second Chance" was taken down. I seem to find myself an exit for my pouring emotions.

On Friday, after sipping glasses of picpoul de pinet, I started texting C. Knowing that he is up in the mountain somewhere in West Virginia, and won't see the messages until Sunday, not really gave me the courage, but more like the peace to tell him my thoughts and feelings. I cannot be interrupted in my thoughts if he cannot reply simultaneously.

I was a bit tipsy, too.

It's became harder for me to tell people my internal thoughts. Not because some of them could be mine or inappropriate, but that - what good comes out of this communication. I've learned from yesterday of self-examination and retrospects, that you don't have to say everything on your mind. I guess it is like - be an effective communicator.

But this thing with C, I was so sick of it. I pondered about what to say and to be eloquent and be nice. I tried not to speak with anger and use structural and not emotional sentences. It was emotionally draining. In the end, I sent 20ish messages and I told him:

he was being selfish; I'm not sure who I am to him; I don't trust him; I don't trust myself; I was naive.
It was disrespectful. I let him hurt me. I disagree with his father's "Only I can hurt me" this crap.

On Sunday, he texted back to say he saw them, thank you for sharing, and he understand it could be difficult for us to be friends. And asked if I want the answers.

I don't know if I want the answers.
What good will the answers bring me.

* * *

This hurt me so deeply because C has became my friend. Someone I deeply trust and could be comfortable around. Unlike the other folks we've been hanging out with lately, I get to be me. There was no purpose other than being friends. I invested in the time and it's like I get nothing in return. I lost all my investment. I like the diversity and another view in life as well. Friends we hang out with lately are homogeneous in professions and past experience. C was different and I really enjoyed it.

And now, what is now?

in the midst of fog - on being alone

I am willing to bet that no one really reads my blog. My recipes, alcohol making, and other handicrafts documentary are far from interesting and useful. Perhaps, it could be save to assume that I can go on and about my deeply troubled mind without intruders and offenders.

The year has been horrific. In July alone, the up and downs of life events torn me. I joke to myself that the reason to start running again, putting the miles in (11 this week, more than the past three months combined), is to anesthetize the pain. That if the muscle soreness and breathless moments outweigh the sorrows and hurting from daily life, I will stop paying attention to them.

It is not yet working, but it just might.

It is loneliness that is bothering me. I have felt solitude but never ever lonely. Yet somehow, somehow, I started to feel lonely. I yarn for the time when I made peace with myself. To find meaning and joy in life, with whatever I have around me. Yet, today I have more than the past years, and ever more empty.

It is as if I plan events to fill up my days but I am not there when I am there. My mind is elsewhere but where? It is a sense of isolation but ever more hoping to connect to people around me. Be trying hard perhaps too hard, to fill the missing piece of my soul. As cheesy as this sounds, this is how I feel.

Perhaps the running is to make me stronger. That I'm sick of the weak and the dependence. That enduring the pain will make me stronger. The pains are my shields to the life around me.

If it hurts enough, maybe I will not feel the woes.

recharging through alone time

After so many weekends of hanging with people going to places doing things, I "took the day off" from friends, families, and obligations to spend the day alone. What felt really good was I had turned down others invitations and did something for myself. It wasn't as if I didn't have friends to meet or things to do, but instead, I choose to do this for myself. And this was important.

I started the day by a 7.5 mile run in Southport. Then I went to the library and picked up a few books and two DVDs. One of the book that I picked up was Adventures of Huckberry Finn. K one day told me about a Mark Twain documentary on PBS. I was all of sudden intrigued.

I debated on going to Harkness State Park and Seaside Sanatorium at Waterford or the art galleries at New Haven. The former is great for taking photography; the latter is great for learning photography. I choose the latter.

I was deeply disturbed by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner (1914)'s Girl in White Chemise. The more I thought about it, the more I feel uncomfortable. The girl with a almost half naked back, on grass with flowers (i.e., garden), on her belly...

Homebrew

  一陣清香 crisp

中秋賞蛋黃酥和蔥餅

講了幾年，終於終於在中秋節做了蛋黃酥。


自製的紅豆餡少去了市售的油膩和甜膩。剛剛好的味道配上鹹鴨蛋，唯一美中不足的是鴨蛋不夠鹹 嗚嗚...另有蔥餅很多個(好懷念台大附近的蔥餅阿)

貓與大象

My dear sister loves elephants and I love her. And thus when I started the animal collection of knits, elephant was the first mammal selected. 

The cat was for a friend's 7 years old daughter. I asked her to choose the color and she picked light yellow and light green. When I first saw that, I thought - uh-hum, okay. As I knitted, I realized she has a fabulous taste for colors and they matched well. I also realized, ever more deeply, that children's view of world and imagination are unlimited. The girl reminded me to stay imaginative - don't limit myself to the colors that I see. Color is art.

Daughter and mom

I feel awful being so inpatient at my mom. I get irritated and annoyed. Today, she first tried to tell me about nutrition, then she started discussing about Costco membership. The Costco's concept of international membership. The sentence that really ticked me off was - but sth should be sth sth.

Oh dear...

I used to have this sth should sth idea about the world, like my mother. Everyone around me, from my boss to strangers, kept on teaching me that - No, the world is not like that. There is no should. The world is as is.

I also learnt that the should  brings frustrations and disappointments. Knowing that the world isn't a matter of should made me a better and happier person.

I ended up telling my mom to deal this when the time comes and no need to spend time on things this trivial for the future.

I still feel awful.

Join Love - Sky blue infinite scarf for mom

Join Love is a long cowl (loop scarf) using simple lace pattern. It was knitted flat and used kitchener stitch to join the ends, making the scarf seamless and an infinite loop. The yarn is a fingering weight, 100% cotton.

My sister and I went shopping for yarn. It was a hot day. We dragged our luggage and maneuvered around Taipei train station. Our train was around 1:30 pm back to Taitung and we had about one hour to find the yarn shops. We had planned to make a summer hat (with brim) for my mom. Since my sister doesn't knit (and has no interest of learning), we decided on - 有錢出錢，有力出力。

I have vast interests in crafts - sewing, knitting, pottery, etc. My sister, on the other hand, is only interested in crafts that's related to math and medicine (i.e., cut paper of specific triangles using math formulas, and surgeries). 

We finally decided on a light blue yarn.

I attempted to make the hat but gave up in the end. The yarn was too thin and lack the proper structure for a nice summer hat. Then a while back, I ran into the lace pattern. Half way through the project, I decided to make the scarf into a long cowl. I called the scarf Join Love, because this is a joint effort of my sister and I, in a loop, to my mom.

The finished project is 19*120 cm. Used 60 grams (165 meters) of yarn.

焦慮指數破表

移民局動作超慢在審核工作證申請，面對公司人資部的詢問工作證事宜，讓我極度焦慮。

這樣的焦慮感使得專注力下降，做什麼事都沒有精神。想要寫得好幾篇網誌:國家公園遊記、釀啤酒日記等，都沒有進展。

連躺在地上滾的心情都沒有。

一週記事

這一週小姑來訪，所以很多時間都花在聊天、談合作計畫。剩餘的時間又很棒的完成多項housekeeping事項，如:燙衣服、洗衣服、折衣服、煮飯、吸地板、記帳、訂票、倒回收、訂啤酒自釀組、查電信方案、去AT&T買預付卡、拍商品照片、製作燈箱、批貨、打電話回家、訂旅館、繳水電、換好事多會員卡。

uh...這些事情只能用瑣碎來形容...不過我今天終於catch up on很多items，所以可以坐下來寫雜想。

* * *

好幾年前，當我開始和醫師交往後，知道的人都會說：唉呦，以後當醫師娘喔。然後用模糊語言明示或暗示醫師娘好命呦(i.e., 在家數錢)。

在家是有啦，數錢我就不知道了。醫師娘真實生活公開:

燙衣服

我知道有免皺襯衫，我也買了免皺襯衫。我們家的每一件上班襯衫都"應該"免皺，所以我一直期待這些衣服乾了會很挺。實際上是這些襯衫洗好乾了後都還是"不挺"。老闆昨天把一件上衣和一件褲子放到我的梳妝台上，說要提醒我燙衣服。結果我對老闆說：你放這裡只會被我丟到地上，不會有"提醒"的功效。哀，到了美國我都燙前面、後面、袖子、領子，連口袋都燙 (vs. 以前都只燙白袍遮不到的地方，如前面)。

比太陽早起床做早餐
這邊沒有美而美也沒有7-11；老闆已經上班夠可憐了，總不能每天都讓他吃bagel塗果醬配香蕉。

去繳水電房租買菜等其他瑣事。

* * *

今天又對於"感情"和"談戀愛"一事有雜感。

想念喜歡的人是很正常的事情 我在揉麵糰的時候終於想懂了早上的對話

愛情 愛情讓人快樂讓人哀傷 想念阿 在乎一個人 每一個呼吸 時時刻刻 有一天 你會感覺想念一個人而他就坐在你旁邊 那是真的想念的心痛

想念 愛情 感覺 喜歡 傷心 在意 患得患失 親愛的小孩阿 這是很正常的阿

愛情就像學游泳 傷心就像嗆到水 多喝水沒事沒事

要怎麼告訴一個17歲情竇初開的大小孩：愛情誠可貴，自由價更高，而手足則是你最好的盟友。

要怎麼告訴他：世界很大，不要被綁住。

* * *

做水餃包子

今天又做了水餃囉! Dumplings made from scratch.

* * *

樓下喜歡聽的音樂類型很多，從流行音樂 (I won't give up by Jason Maze)到某種不知道的disco pop(?)。
每當他音樂用得我聽得到，我就會覺得是我得罪他了嗎，需要這樣懲罰我。又還是因為我得罪他了，所以他就把音樂調大聲作為報復。

所以我剛就拿了一盤(六顆)剛起鍋的韭菜豆腐豬肉煎餃去巴結鄰居。他還很關心的問音樂有沒太大聲 (@@...)。但是他很開心喲!

* * *

最近胖包超人的原料和麵包又吵得沸沸揚揚啊! 要怎麼說呢? 其實食品健康的問題早已爆炸了，只是大家都不知道(或是忽視)而已。我們以為的食物根本就不是我們以為的食物。舉例來說，外面賣的蘿蔔糕沒有籮蔔絲，怎麼能有蘿蔔味? 就更不要說餅乾、洋芋片、熱狗(這是什麼食物?!)。麵粉並不是白色的 (麥子不是白的，所以麵粉要怎麼變成白色呢...)，因此白胖胖的饅頭是要怎麼做出來? 還有芋頭饅頭 (我小時候還滿喜歡吃的...) 我煮過最新鮮最新鮮最新鮮剛從土裡挖起來的芋頭，芋頭的顏色"頂多"是混著不知褐色的淡紫色，所以芋頭饅頭也滿神奇的。還有肉丸、魚丸、貢丸...

還有阿，美國不是沒有食品安全的問題。

* * *

最近有人又說要多"關心"公衛醫師。
ㄜ，我不覺得這是一個"關心"問題，而比較像是一個"尊重專業"和"停止內鬥"的問題。講到這我就一股氣。

* * *

週三做了一個light box。上、左、右各用一盞燈，使用燈箱拍商品照片。小姑和我要一起開一間店鋪在網路上賣手作品。不過週三只拍了1/5，看來要再至少一天半才能拍完所有的商品。

以上報告完畢!

有聲書

暑假的六週，沒有影集可以看，但有有聲書陪伴我煮飯、鉤毛線。Ba

趁今天下載新書，順便list已聽的書目。前三本屬於非小說文學，我覺得很educational，學到很多，inspired到很多。其中第二版和第三本都加深了一個我已知道，但是要更加練習的概念:要成為一個field的expert，反覆練習是關鍵。

第四本內容很好，結局很哀傷。已鉤毛線的過程貫穿小說，讓我很能echo鉤毛線的過程和心情。最後一本屬於打發時間故事。這系列已出19本，每一本我都有看，沒什麼教育意義，屬輕鬆小說。

Thinking, Fast and Slow Daniel Kahneman

中譯本快思慢想。網路上寫中譯本翻的不精確。英文版寫得很好，我對人和人的行為有更深刻的了解，特別是在履歷表和行銷方面。

Back of the House: The Secret Life of a Restaurant Scott Haas

一個心理學家到有名餐廳做field study，觀察餐廳的運作和員工的態度；讓我對餐廳有更多的認識。

How Children Succeed Paul Tough

這本提出新的教育觀點，探討究竟是IQ還是EQ決定人的成就和發展。

The Friday Night Knitting Club Kate Jacobs

Smokin' Seventeen Janet Evanovich

A long day

This was written last Friday. I had one of those break down days. I don't want to deny how bad I felt, as all these are part of the new life. Part of giving myself another chance.

The day finally is coming to an end. After a sleepless night and finally fell asleep on the couch in the study at 5 am, waking up several times in between. With back aches, I crawl back to bed after the smokers left the complex.

I woke up finally at 9 and had a conversation with my brother that I sympathized. With all my heart, I hope he gain the wisdom to solve problems in life that are inevitable.

I wanted to scream.

Then I called my landlord and told him my sleepless night. He was kind enough and said he drop off a ventilation fan for us to suck the air out in the bedroom/blow the bad air away the window. I thank him gratefully. He has been kind to us, and tried his best to address my difficulties with the smokers next door.

I surfed the net and wrote an e-mail to my doctor. Then I burst into tears for the third time this week. The door bell rang and I went to get a package from downstairs. I ran into the neighbor with loud TV and thank him for turning the volume down. He also sympathize my situation. Though it doesn't bother him because he has A/C on 24-7.

Then it was two o'clock. I read, surfed the net a bit more, before cleaning up the kitchen and biked to the library. I sat by St. Mary by the Sea and read when my landlord called and said he'll drop off the fan for me.

I biked home. Installed the fan. Not sure if it will do what my landlord hoped - push the smoke away. It was a kind gesture of him and I knew that I have to follow his lead if I want him to help me fix the problem.

Then I showered, drank soy milk and wait for my husband to come home.

Speed training

I did a mini speed training at the baseball field today. I biked 1 mile to the field; did 7 or 8 rounds of speed training, and biked 1 mile home. It was mini if not tiny, but I was so out of breath and my heart was racing like crazy.

This was the first time that I ever stepped on a baseball field. It felt like being on a baseball field. The next field, three guys were batting. I was not too impressed and also fear being hit by the balls.

I read a few days ago that runners who do not engage in speed training are prone to injury. The argument was that the body is doing repetitive works by the time the performance hit a plateau.

That made a whole lot of sense and is probably one of the reasons why I stopped improving and started having knee injuries. The biking has helped a lot on building muscles and I have been throwing in running once a week (for two weeks now).

I came home and did some post-run yoga with Youtube. I feel refreshed and relaxed now.

My mind was cloggy before I left for training. I was trying to process information I learnt this morning and dissect my feelings. I told my friend, before I left for speed training that -

I feel weird talking about it because this is his/her thing, and I'm afraid that I'll be judging the person. I didn't realize that I am very protective. I fear that the person will get hurt, and I have very conflicted feeling to my fear. I think I wouldn't have this fear in another scenario, and I think it's wrong of me to have double standards.

I have learnt that words are powerful, and can be interpreted very differently. For example, if I say: you will have to face me if you hurt X. The phrase is certainly protective and my intention meant well (also threatening), but it is also signaling that I don't trust X to protect or stand up for him/herself. 

And I feel bad for my parents, who will have to learn, accept, and make changes. I can imagine that this is a shock to them. My dad, who can't even dealt with my illness, has to learn to accept the world in another perspective that he never anticipated. This is like teaching old dogs new tricks. Life is hard as is, why makes it harder.

When my dad couldn't dealt with my illness, I could brush it off (not easily, but still) because I realized that being ill was not equal to failing. I was disappointed at him, but could sympathize with his feeling and frustration. He felt the daughter is no longer perfect and took this personally. While the truth is life is not perfect, it was perhaps difficult for him to accept this fact when for he has been so proud of his creation.

As for my mom, well, I don't know. Sometimes, she has the strength to accept life as is, while other times complaining about trivial and mundane stuffs.

Finally, this really cute song that I like, Cups, performed by Anna Kendrick.

 Now, off I go to drink my dinner (i.e., soy milk with real soy beans), and then to my weekly heart-to-heart session with real Americans.