tiny step

I felt a bit better after the blog was refreshed, picture was changed, and the previous cheesy title "Second Chance" was taken down. I seem to find myself an exit for my pouring emotions.

On Friday, after sipping glasses of picpoul de pinet, I started texting C. Knowing that he is up in the mountain somewhere in West Virginia, and won't see the messages until Sunday, not really gave me the courage, but more like the peace to tell him my thoughts and feelings. I cannot be interrupted in my thoughts if he cannot reply simultaneously.

I was a bit tipsy, too.

It's became harder for me to tell people my internal thoughts. Not because some of them could be mine or inappropriate, but that - what good comes out of this communication. I've learned from yesterday of self-examination and retrospects, that you don't have to say everything on your mind. I guess it is like - be an effective communicator.

But this thing with C, I was so sick of it. I pondered about what to say and to be eloquent and be nice. I tried not to speak with anger and use structural and not emotional sentences. It was emotionally draining. In the end, I sent 20ish messages and I told him:

he was being selfish; I'm not sure who I am to him; I don't trust him; I don't trust myself; I was naive.
It was disrespectful. I let him hurt me. I disagree with his father's "Only I can hurt me" this crap.

On Sunday, he texted back to say he saw them, thank you for sharing, and he understand it could be difficult for us to be friends. And asked if I want the answers.

I don't know if I want the answers.
What good will the answers bring me.

* * *

This hurt me so deeply because C has became my friend. Someone I deeply trust and could be comfortable around. Unlike the other folks we've been hanging out with lately, I get to be me. There was no purpose other than being friends. I invested in the time and it's like I get nothing in return. I lost all my investment. I like the diversity and another view in life as well. Friends we hang out with lately are homogeneous in professions and past experience. C was different and I really enjoyed it.

And now, what is now?