all day every day

I feel the condition is not stable but my informal therapist thinks even if it is unstable, I seem to function alright. I can sleep, can eat, can go to work, can maintain my weekly jog.

But I am in a bad mood, all day every day. I am irritable and impatient. I am tired and stressed.

I stopped going to my real therapist because the center upset me two weeks ago. It is very stupid of me. The center has to deal with one less case but I actually need the sessions. So, stupidity on my behalf.

These are just several lines of meaningless and incomplete sentences.

This is my sulking

I didn't perform very well at work today because my mind was preoccupied with the news I got yesterday. D-boss told me that Center has not sponsored H visa since 2005. This is terrible news. I was counting on a full-time job and H visa after this contract ends. Where will I go now?

And hence, while I was so proud of putting tables together without being told to do so, I completely forgot to include three categories, which means that in terms of accomplishing a task, I failed and the extra work of putting tables is useless. This is me sulking.

I am not at all excited with life. I am tired. I have countless papers to write, and tons of papers to read. I am constantly debating when and where to get gas because I don't have the cash to do it. I tell myself not to eat non-essential food because every dollar I save is one extra dollar to spend. I can write a list of things I want for birthday and Christmas, but what is the point? I can't afford to get my hair cut. I wore a skirt to work today because you can't wear the same outfit to work two days in a row. I only have two work pants, and one is in the laundry basket.

This is me, stuck. Oh yes, I should be grateful for the daily bread. Can bread turn into words? Oh dear Lord, may I exchange the daily bread for term papers?

blog writing

寫字是一種習慣。每天寫是一種恆心。

爸送了我一台新的筆電。11吋，電池效能很好，輕巧的一台讓我可以隨時用打字的方式記錄事情。網路的訊息很豐富，更需要有效的管理。

這學期很忙，但是我希望自己可以有把事情都做好。

the bowling alley

first three were hit

then two more down

third time went into the ditch

later missed all

.

.

.

.

finally stroked all

then it ended. Round Two. Next Life.

This summer, everything was out of place

我站在這裡，一杯一杯，我陪你喝。但明天醒來，你依舊悲傷，我依舊只能站在這裡。我帶不走，你的悲傷，即使我願意。

我知道你悲傷，但我無奈。我能站在這裡，但無法帶走你的悲傷。我願意，但無法替你悲傷。

我知道明天起來可能有點頭痛，我知道這是暑假的最後一天。

這個暑假，八成的事情都go wrong。剩下的兩成是什麼? Seriously，可能是都有搭到飛機吧。

每天每天，都過著一杯兩杯的生活。紅的、白的；葡萄、水果。

終於暑假要過完了。可以還給我了嗎?

喜歡，有點飄的感覺。

I am losing it. Tipping off the balance, I am there.

But I like it there. Just give me one more day, of this disoriented day.

Tomorrow, the couch goes back to a pumpkin. Then Fall comes and let is snow.

Why, did things stand there and burned?

像是人財兩失一般

經過了兩週的no pretend，發現生活並沒有變簡單。這樣的結果真像是人財兩失。現在想想，難道我有天真到以為放任心情不好就能使生活變如意嗎?

鳥事沒有減少，生活的壓力一般大。上週熱浪來襲，每天都要四十度。家裡的溫度計飆高到32度是常態，窗戶關起來反而比較涼。終於在星期日下午下了一場大雨，帶走了溫度。小綠眼一週都在煩惱學生工作簽證和台灣家裡的事情。國際學生辦事處都會告訴學生，在學生工作簽證還沒有下來前不要出境；即使有學生工作簽證，也最好有「適當」工作再離境。所謂「適當」工作是什麼? 這個認定非常的不明確，基本上這工作要是正當的，與所學相關的。簡單來說就是要能讓海關覺得你不是在找機會滯留美國，而且讓你入境是有必要的。這樣就非常的random阿。

小綠眼的學生工作簽辦的有些不順利。包括去郵局寄一份相關的文件就花了3小時的時間，一度讓我擔心郵件寄丟了，後悔自己沒有用UPS而相信美國郵局。週五因為沒有學生簽證，但是又有可能需要離開美國，而開車去學校辦事情。開車是因為天氣熱，節省時間。結果被開了一張42美元的停車罰單。收到罰單連要去申訴的力氣都沒有。這樣的鳥事排山倒海的來，伴隨著炎熱和潮濕的空氣，真希望時間可以停止。

 

就這樣虛度了一個週末。

 

接著，家人又跟我說健身房打電話去家裡。出國前，我把健身房的約給暫停。現在發現這幾年可能都用不到了，想要完全停約。打了電話，櫃台說要等週一經理上班才可以處理，叫我留email，經理會跟我聯繫。我心裡想，我相信你會跟我聯繫，大概100年之後吧。又有一天在無意義的焦慮中度過。

 

讓我回到精力充沛的生活吧。漫畫流浪者說大便本來就會發生。這樣說是沒錯。現在想想在農場的時候，每天的勞動使得沒有力氣想很多有的沒的，或許那就是為什麼生活比較有活力又覺得能過得下去的原因。想太多本身不能改變事情，自己才可以吧。

 

Maybe…

This is the kind of life I live…

我幫自己剪了頭髮，不是因為我很厲害，是因為我不想也無法花$50元去mall給設計師剪，可是我又不相信路邊的$15元可以剪出一個叫髮型的東西。用個經濟學的說法，就是那邊際效用不等於邊際成本。所以我自己照著鏡子剪了一個像是"羽毛剪"的髮型，但事實上那只是看不到後面和旁邊所以隨便打薄的結果。

 

I hate it. I literally hate Baltimore

清晨

早上五點四十五

滴水聲。對街在開冷氣。

垃圾車開過去。

人們在上班的途中

我泡了咖啡，點了蠟燭，坐在吧檯桌上

晃著。

規劃要事情

想著。

生活很像很快樂

無可避免的

生活其實很孤單

朋友不是沒有

是沒有對的感覺

我們是被現實主宰

i have decided not to pretend for a while

So far, I try not to complain about the THIS, and look at things from the BRIGHT side or the GOOD side.

Enough!!!

This is the life I have:

I want a pet cat because they are good company and they make me happy. Problem? I can't afford it. I can't afford to pay for the food and cat litter. So no cat.

I am not a fan of socializing. Seriously, shoot me in the head. But I move to a nice, cozy, everyone complimented apartment so that I can establish networks and have friends. PRETEND. Seriously.

My boss have this project that I don't think make sense. Does she give a damn about the methodology of the study? Not from a non-economics perspective. THIS is research we are talking about. Shouldn't we put efforts into studies that are worthwhile and contribute to the society not just STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT?

Three points. I'll stop now.

I should make a wish list.

if i pretend

If I pretend that I can make it, that I can do it, long enough, will one day I could to stop pretending?

Is it an illusion that I am capable of going through each day, still alive?

Is the lack of quality sleep an indicator that my mind is a mess?

Are the dreams of people from places that would never meet a sign that this supposedly new phrase is giving me way too much pressure.

Am I the only few people who receive craps and shits on a regular basis?

Breath. Inhale. Exhale.

an email that i didn't send

I suppose you are surprise to see my email without a Re on the subject line. I can't remember the last time we spoke. An actually conversation that was not forced by my husband because he claimed that I should say a proper goodbye, which I thought was a terrible lunch.

I suppose you don't think I am apathy and a bitch for doing what I did. Perhaps you still don't understand why I had to do it. Do I resent myself for doing so? Probably not. Do I think about what I did and try to mend it. Yes. Am I progressing? No.

So what is the point of me writing an email?

I don't know. I think I just got to this point that I feel like I have to write something to you but then can't really hit the send. One'd say, but the person will see it anyhow because this person actually visits your blog, duh! Yeah, I am aware of that, but perhaps this person won't recognize it given that I am a nut.

I remember the why. Repeatedly, I ask myself if I can change myself to sort of accommodate. I can't. Maybe because I am afraid and think that it might not change anything in the end. So I don't want to take a risk. Yes, I admit.

I do think about this, maybe more often than I want to.

Another phrase

Okay 所以我承認new phrase 很 cliché，我根本不是一個陽光的人，所以新的開始巴拉巴拉只是一種disguise。

不過真的是一個new phrase。六月我到了農場當了三個禮拜的農夫，那是人生中最快樂的一段時間。勞力的付出和體力的消耗很satisfying。但是我去了第一天就覺得那地方實在有點怪，到了第三天我已經想離開。可是我直到了有一個100度的星期四，我才終於想通為什麼我無法繼續做下去。那時，我才覺得我可以離開了。我把事情想清楚了。

六月底，我開始搬家。搬離了那個老鼠窩，到了downtown一個叫做Mt. Vernon的區。有很多舊建築、餐廳、酒吧(沒有脫衣舞廳)、住家、畫廊、藝術小店。新家布置得很舒適，沒去過舊家的人可能會以為這就是我們的風格。不，我們也曾住過老鼠窩。

七月：跟著大陸老師做中國大躍進時代飢荒和經濟發展的研究，以及做農場決策和經營的經濟回顧。然後優閒的過生活。

下一學期，我有一份full time的研究工作。每週20個小時。我預計要修三門三學分的課，一門一學分的獨立研究。我需要開車上學。還有我要準備明年畢業的找工作。

see, new phrase

一年

小綠眼是在去年的六月十八號起飛。我還記得去年的現在，我們在台中搬家，跟房東用得不愉快；每天在打包放在台灣的衣物和收拾到美國的行李。

一年過去了。小綠眼從霍普金斯補習班畢業。我讀了兩個學期，最後的一個月寫報告和考試到生不如死。小綠眼說，「畢業了，另外一個茫然...」。

Day 4: Hoeing and making beds

Today's task was to hoe a piece of land and make beds. The beds are for plants that can be seeded directly (alternative to go plant in small cases and in green house until grown to certain weeks). This is one physical demanding job and at the end of the day, I got five blisters (one of them is almost the size of a dime). Today was also my turn to go water the plants in the green house, feed the chicken, and move their houses.

So there are two chicken homes. Each is 2x2x2 meters wood made cubic. One home has five chicken, the other has nine chicken and a rooster. The homes need to be moved twice a day because they eat the worms and whatever on the ground. I have to give them fresh water and move the super heavy homes (pictures soon).

The piece of land that we make beds is covered by weeds. Some weeds are nasty such as thistles, a mile in a minute, and other random stuffs. Thistles have thorns and they have thick vines and root very deep. It was hard to dig them out. Not all of them are dug out and so I have to be very careful not to sit on one because they are "a pain in the butt."

The green house is very green (really green). It is very humid and hot to the extent that standing inside can make you sweat so bad that you feel like water is pouring on you. So watering for 15 or 20 minutes is like a trip to hell. And I have to visit the green house four times a day. Luckily, no green house for three days.

Nothing at the farm really works like they should. There are "tricks" to nearly every machines. The only reliable objects on the farm are human, thankfully.

P.S. One chick peaked me today. My colleague said she was kissing me.

P.S. 2, I have no muscles.

Day 2: Strawberry field

The day started early. I was up at 6:20, ate a bowl of cereal and ready to go. The first task was weeding the strawberry field. It was really bad because the field wasn't weeded for a month. A mile in a minute is a type of weed (something I learnt today).

After three hours of weeding, we got to pick strawberries. It was fun for two seconds, but after that it got a little depressing. This is the third batch of berries this season (third harvest) so there aren't that many left and most of them are bruised, ate by bugs, or rotted. A few of them were really big, like the size of pin-pon ball.

The just ripen berries are delicious. They are red and shinny. When you bit it, it is so sweet and juicy. Delicious. I had never tasted anything like that.

Our farm supported 600 people per week. Next Tuesday is the first pick-up. This is a community supported agriculture farm. The operation is people buy "shares" and they receive whatever harvested that week.

Tomorrow we will do more weeding.

Daily schedule:

7: ready to go.

11ish-2: lunch break

2-5ish: work

then free after that

PS. The chicken haven't been lying eggs and we are thinking of eating them.

Day 1: Arrival

At around 1:30pm, Wei drove me to the farm. I packed random stuff into the car because I didn't know what to bring.

I met my intern-mates around the house. My roommate showed me around the kitchen, laundry room, and our living room. Later we all went swimming at a reservoir 20 miles north. Then we went rope jumping.

Now I am sitting on the porch which was cleaned just today. Tomorrow I'll start my first day of work. I am excited and nervous.

This is going to be fun!

罐頭午餐 營養午餐

1992年冬天的某一個星期一是我第一次在美國上學。外面的雪非常的厚，我父母帶我去學校，他們送我到教室。四年級。我一句英文都不會說，我不會26個字母。我可能只會"thank you"，可能還會"how are you." 我聽不懂，我不會說。但是我永遠會記得那天午餐是peanut butter & jelly sandwich。

我記得，因為我看到我的午餐，然後我吃了一兩口。我覺得那食物長得很怪，他是紫色和大便色夾在兩片麵包中。之後的兩年，

每個星期一，午餐的選擇都是peanut butter & jelly sandwich 或是 pizza. Pizza 就是臘腸加起司，3x7吋。 每星期四是吃taco自助餐。

小綠眼和我決定要多用學校資源，所以週末我們到學校唸書，吸學校空氣和用學校的電。早上，我從家裡帶了兩個碗，一碗煮好了中式麵條(前幾天的剩菜)，兩個「圓圈麵加上肉丸泡在義大利番茄醬和起司」的罐頭。午餐就是把罐頭倒到麵上，拿去微波。因為我沒有其他剩菜，所以只好吃這。

為什麼會有罐頭呢?爸媽留下來給我的。

他們為什麼會有罐頭呢?美國政府給他們的。But this is not the point.

那罐頭很難吃。自從會煮飯之後，就開始覺得美國的「迅速食物」都難吃又噁心。我想到國小的營養午餐。營養午餐每週的菜色都一樣，而且都是一個主食，一罐牛奶，然後再一樣忘記什麼的。可能連沙拉菜都沒有吧。

現在我才發現，原來小時候的食物那麼難吃。

PS. 歸類goodstuff,因為這是一個回憶。

佛卡夏麵包

昨天做了佛卡夏 Rosemary Focaccia，修改了食譜，添加了potato flakes。口感QQ的，而且充滿氣泡。

2 1/2 t yeast

3/4 warm water

1 t sugar

1/4 salt

1 1/2 white flour

1/2 potato flakes

olive oil, salt, rosemary, Parmesan pepper for topping

400F 20 minutes

1. 媽那天跟我說有食譜建議若是用手揉麵應用冷水，因為手會有溫度，幫助yeast發酵。用溫水

加上手揉會燙死yeast. 還沒有去verify這部分。

2. 一次發酵即充滿氣泡，但是二次發酵時好像有點無力，不知怎麼的沒有發起來很多。第三次整型也不是很理想。不知道是否是因為溫度和時間皆不夠。

3. 麵包還是要溫的吃。

幸福的瞬間 -- 頂呱呱巴爾地摩分店

昨天紐約時報上報導現在人把食物先拍下來才動叉子。聽起來的確有點好笑，但是偶爾我也這樣。

最近有點想台灣。週日去H-Mart買菜的時候，小綠眼說他想吃鹹酥雞和雞排很久了，當然還有甜不辣、雞血、巴拉巴拉...我說那晚上炸雞排好了。他有點不可置信，因為我多半討厭炸東西。用得我都是油，又很熱。但是我偷偷承認前陣子我也想吃，所以才會上youtube看怎麼做。

雞排是豆腐滷口味。美時家大衛給的豆腐滷，小綠眼加了兩塊。

醬油一匙

鹽 一匙

胡椒

酒

蒜頭 切碎

雞大腿肉 去皮，修整齊 拍(連接骨頭的那面、保持黏皮的那面完整)

醃製 (記得放入冰箱)

取出 拿一顆蛋黃加入

準備太白粉(玉米粉)、麵包粉、炸油、瀝油器具

肉沾太白粉 放置五分鐘 接著把多餘粉用掉 放到麵包粉中 繼續放著

用比較厚的鍋子，較容易控制油溫

加熱 溫度測試--> 筷子插入後有些微泡泡 (維持此溫度的方法 --> 使用中火)

放入肉-->不要動他，等一面好了再翻面

翻面 變色後拿起 --> 肉已幾乎已經算熟

全炸完第一回後

開大火 油溫測試--> 看他很熱(但是不要冒煙。注意︰任何時候冒煙就馬上「關火」，因為放進去就焦掉了)

放入肉，炸至金黃，高溫可逼出多餘的油，所以要起來再關火。油溫一旦下降油就會被肉吸回去。

瀝油

薯條

削皮

切塊

將剛才的蛋白加入剩下的醃料

裹一裹

調太白粉水(濃稠)

加入用雞排剩下的麵包粉

加入將剩下醃料和蛋白

薯條丟進去

油溫 --> 筷子小泡泡

薯條放進去 --> 不要動他，等待粉包住薯條

可攪動

變色+熟後 拿起

大火 --> 金黃

討論︰

1. 肉汁被包住，肉嫩，入味。

2. 油溫控制，買一支溫度計或是仔細觀察。火太大會焦掉，火太小會炸到乾掉。

3. 一直翻動不會比較快好，但是會讓他變醜。

外面已漸漸天黑。微風從窗戶吹進來。感受到遲來的幸福。飯後倒垃圾順便散步一圈，對面的商場燈亮著，復活節店家都關門。

去年的這時候，我正在等待學校消息和為了結婚的事情上演的拉鋸戰。

一年就這樣的過了。

小綠眼因為對於炸物有深深罪惡感，所以他說一年一次就好了。哈

Spicy Two-Bean Vege Chili

午餐- 配上 sour cream 和自己做的全麥薄餅

今天我跟小綠眼說，怎辦，我覺得我們好像快變成外國人了。豆子、麵包、麵餅、pasta已變成我們的主食了。

完全中式料理，快炒幾道菜配湯，大約有1/4的時間，主要是小綠眼煮的時候。

Pasta 1/4

咖哩或豆子 1/4

餅、麵包沾義大利麵醬或豆子chili，水餃、煎餃、炸醬麵、蘿蔔絲餅 1/4

今天的chili用了一種叫做Jalapeño pepper, 孟醫師說是從一個叫Jalapeño的地方來的。味道跟我們的小紅辣椒不一樣，可是他們說很辣。(孟醫師連早餐都加辣喔)

PS 我今天有照食譜做，但是有個東西沒有加，因為家裡沒有 -- bulgur。還有我蒜頭的順序加錯了。

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Spicy-Two-Bean-Vegetarian-Chili-107274

Bon Appetite Nov 2002