偷偷的走

阿嬤怪阿公是「偷偷的走」。他走的時候，小雲帶阿嬤去新光醫院門診，家裡沒其他人（約兩點多，打電話問阿公，阿公有接電話），過了下午五點，阿嬤回到家，看到阿公已身倒在床前地板上，她試著叫醒「清阿！清阿！」，接著叫小雲打救護車，通知大舅媽「爸爸暈到了」。小雲聽119建議，對阿公做CPR，救護人員到時，也是CPR；告知家屬要送醫，阿嬤說：不用送醫了。事後我看了死亡書上寫著：心肺衰竭死於2月22日下午4時。

小雲說當她回家時，先看到廚房的瓦斯有小火苗燒著，聽到阿嬤叫她打119時，去房間看阿公，阿公眼睛睜開著，嘴巴張著，手已冰冷。

阿嬤描述著：阿公已換上乾淨的內褲，睡褲的兩管已穿到膝蓋下，躺在地上，一脚直伸，另一脚彎曲著；我們推測，阿公可能是站起來穿褲時倒地的。

本週一，阿公已做過肺功能檢查，預定週三斷層掃描。

我們每人都知道該照顧自己更多，也要照顧好阿嬤。

好累

我厭倦念書，應付考試，承受教室裡不平等的權利。

學位只是一張紙

在美國工作

在異國工作的心情好複雜

要有禮貌但有不能太過於謙遜

遇到笨蛋又只好默默接受 (不然要怎樣，事後跟老闆說他是笨蛋嗎?)

寫e-mail的措辭要小心，確定用字和句意是對事不對人，沒有指責對方的意思。

適當的時候要打圓場和閉嘴。這些事情也許在職場上都是相同的，無論在哪一國。

但是當換了一種語言和文化，困難度就變得高。

華人中的禮多人不怪在西方並不適用。

不是你的錯就不要禮貌性的我不對

真是一大挑戰

Week 2 class 1

這個老師實在太機車了，所以我決定要好好記錄上課，期末evaluation時大電他一番。

He is arrogant. He constantly saying: do you know what I mean. He sets the rules that students should communicate to him in person because he does not listen to voice mails and have too many emails. He also said he will not reply to emails.

First, he does not show appreciating of students' questions, especially when the questions is simple but crucial. For example, what format does he want for the assignment. One student asked, "what is the font, size, etc?" He replied, in a way that the student asked a stupid question, " the standard size 12, margin one inch." He suggested that students' ought to think if the font is too small, it will be difficult for him to see. Another student inquire about spacing. He replied as if it is a dumb question that "it should be single space...the assignment is one page only. I don't want 250 words..."

Two, he give students nicknames. For example, he called some "math guy."

Three, he does not seem to prepare for "this" class. The slide used in this class was originally prepared for a speech outside of UMBC. In addition, this was not the topic listed in the syllabus. He said he was jump around, talking about what is the interesting topic or current. However, this course is a in a seminar format. Thus, the randomness is not all that appropriate.

Finally, throughout the class, he showed that his personal preference and interest is more important. Some examples include do not expect him to reply to e-mails or listen to voice mail (consequently, if message is not delivered, the student is accountable); set tedious rules on how the assignment should be turned in (e.g. Assignment # 1 3 Euro questions). While these are tiny things, it just show that this person is inconsiderate of others.

The classroom should not be a extreme unbalance of power, especially at higher education. Instructors and students should be mutually accountable. This is a required course for the students, so students have no choice but to take it. Is this instructor the only person to teach this course? Is this his choice of teaching it? If so, does that grant him the right to be a tyrant in the classroom?

為了我們的project，今天終於試了三件衣服。以上兩件是小綠眼沒有昏倒的。經過今天的經驗，結論是：

1. 我太小隻

2. 我太小隻

3. 我太小隻

就連2號都太會掉下來...看來我需要吃胖一點

梨薑蛋糕

Pear and Ginger Cake

去年感恩節之後，迷上於薑汁和黑蜜糖 (molasses)的香味。試了幾種molasses的蛋糕，但是都過於黏膩。

我是一個做東西看家裡有什麼再去找食譜的人，沒想到有西洋梨、薑、黑蜜糖的組合，當然就高高興興的試試。

食譜中用的allspice可用cinnamon, clove, black pepper 和nutmeg取代。基本的組合是1單位allspice需要cinnamon (1/2) and clove (1/2)。但是也有人加nutmeg and pepper。我就是每樣都用1/4單位。但1/8t實在很小匙，所以就自由心證啦。

小綠眼說很好吃，叫我把食譜留下來 (真難得)。

1 1/2 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon ground allspice

1/4 teaspoon salt

2/3 stick unsalted butter

1/4 cup water

1/4 cup packed dark brown sugar

1/2 cup molasses

3 large eggs

1/4 cup grated peeled ginger

1 pear

350度
將烤盤上塗奶油再裹麵粉 (我是用9x13x2吋
玻璃)

1. 篩麵粉和乾料
   
2. 奶油和水一起融化
   
3. 黑蜜糖和糖打勻，加蛋(一次一個)
   
4. 加粉類攪勻 (輕、柔、勻即可)
   
5. 加入奶油水和薑
   
6. 倒入烤盤，把西洋梨隨意排一排
   
7. 烤35分鐘
   

有關molasses
http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/vicky88/post/1313399872

不肯面對自己

People hate to change; I am no exception.

今天不知怎的想幫網誌換新造型，沒想到除舊布新(成語是動詞嗎? 應該是要用"欲"除舊布新嗎?)的下場就是只能選新範本，再也無法(這並不全然是正確的；我可以修改html) 在照片上寫的"Happiness Will Come Through"，然後下面接一串"成就快樂巴拉的"。(恩，我嘗試了一小時；青春阿~)

昨天出門洗衣服前開了實體信箱(有個郵差會把信件放入的那種)，收到一張明信片。隨便看了一眼，關鍵字: 西岸、happy birthday、merry christmas、寄件人XXX。

放回信箱。鎖上。

小綠眼問我那誰寄的。我說XXX。睡前，我對小綠眼說，我生日是三個月前的事情；聖誕節是兩個月前的事情，地址是三個禮拜前問我的，那張明信片寄的也太慢了。

這是數月來其中一件令我忿忿的事，但我怎麼這樣計較? 沒有感謝別人的祝福，卻想要在"明信片"上寫 "查無此人" (郵件若有寄件者地址，信件會被退回；但明信片沒有"from: whom and where"；想要寫"查無此人"這個衝動足以凸顯我的荒謬。)

與人的關係越來越疏離。"沒有朋友"是自己為了要繼續孤僻的藉口，不想與人相處或連絡才是真正的原因。必須區別的是自己並非懶惰(想要做而不做謂之懶惰)，而是不想要。

不肯面對自己。

因為逃避自己的情緒，因為不想要面對自己，所以沒有寫下生活的心得、煮的食物、承受的壓力、對自己的期許、對他人的生氣、對世界的不解。這是懶惰。

每天都奄奄一息但卻假裝很行。

突然覺得自己很可笑。

2010年 三月 星期五 紫色金剛車壞掉

It isn't really about "a broken car." It is the shock.

To say it was a trauma would be overrated.

I was on the bridge, in the car, and trying to speak. I tried to stay calm but my heart was racing. It isn't even rational. But I didn't know whom I could call for help. The only phone book I have is the numbers in my cell, and there aren't that many numbers.

I sat there waiting for my car to be repaired. The clock ticked and ticked. From 10 to 12 to 2 to 4. I didn't know if I should go ask them or if I should stay put. I didn't know how much they'd charge me. I didn't know how much it would cost me. I didn't know if I have enough money. I didn't know if I don't have enough money, would that person let me leave. I didn't have a credit card.

I remember vividly that I took 100 cash into my purse that morning. I usually don't bring cash with me. I almost brought a camera, just because I thought I might want to take a picture of dad and I at the airport. I didn't wear socks because I figure I would be home soon. I didn't eat breakfast because we left at 5:45. I only had two sips of coffee.

That day was colder than usually.

I watched MTV for 9 hours.

Then we were told that only three cylinders are working. We drove back on 295 and the temperature was too hot. The alert sound keep went off. We were told not to go over 50. When the speed is too low, the car starts tumbling.

Then I called the repair shop. He told me to go to a gas station and check the water. I don't know which is the water tank. We go off the highway, but we couldn't see a gas station. We had to make a decision on which way to turn. It was dark and cold.

Then the car cooled down but we can't get the engine to start and run. We tried and tried. We successfully drove 50 yards, then the engine went off. We were in the middle of a intersection. There were cars behind us. We tried and tried. Then we slide into a residential parking lot. We had to make a decision.

Then i called my auto mechanic's shop but it was answering machine. Then I called his Dad's shop. The number was redirect to his cell somewhere and he couldn't hear me at first. I was afraid that he doesn't know me. But then he probably did.

I called the tow truck. He asked me where I was. I couldn't clearly describe my location. He asked what streets am I on. I ran out the car to check. I told him I am opposite of Harley Davidson Motorcycle. I was outside the car looking at the street signs, Wei was yelling from the window: tell him we are opposite the Harley Davidson shop... He asked for my name and number, told us to wait around 45 to 60 minutes, then we hang up. I called again because I forgot to ask if he can give us a ride back. I also asked for his name. Then we waited and the tow truck came. It was cold. My feet were cold.

It was a fancy tow truck. Not the kind that leave your rear wheels rolling on the ground. The kind that your whole car is on the truck. The interior was fancy. I knew it was going to cost a lot. I didn't have a choice. I didn't ask the price. I knew I didn't have to pay him because the car will be towed to the repair shop and the Dad will bill me later.

What if I didn't bring my cellphone like I usually don't.

What if I didn't have 700 dollars in my checking account to pay for fixing the car a the garage.

What if I didn't have the 100 dollars of cash to pay for the first tow.

What if no one picked up the phone that morning.

What if Susannah hadn't help us find a tow company.

What if I didn't have the number to the Dad's shop.

What if the Dad didn't pick up the phone.

What if my cellphone battery died.

What if Wei's cellphone battery also died.

For the whole day, I ate a piece of bread, a hot dog, a can of root beer, a tiny candy, and two sips of coffee.

I came home at 9:30 and ate pizza and beer.

I am frightened. I can't tell Wei about this. We hadn't been able to get along for two days.

all day every day

I feel the condition is not stable but my informal therapist thinks even if it is unstable, I seem to function alright. I can sleep, can eat, can go to work, can maintain my weekly jog.

But I am in a bad mood, all day every day. I am irritable and impatient. I am tired and stressed.

I stopped going to my real therapist because the center upset me two weeks ago. It is very stupid of me. The center has to deal with one less case but I actually need the sessions. So, stupidity on my behalf.

These are just several lines of meaningless and incomplete sentences.

This is my sulking

I didn't perform very well at work today because my mind was preoccupied with the news I got yesterday. D-boss told me that Center has not sponsored H visa since 2005. This is terrible news. I was counting on a full-time job and H visa after this contract ends. Where will I go now?

And hence, while I was so proud of putting tables together without being told to do so, I completely forgot to include three categories, which means that in terms of accomplishing a task, I failed and the extra work of putting tables is useless. This is me sulking.

I am not at all excited with life. I am tired. I have countless papers to write, and tons of papers to read. I am constantly debating when and where to get gas because I don't have the cash to do it. I tell myself not to eat non-essential food because every dollar I save is one extra dollar to spend. I can write a list of things I want for birthday and Christmas, but what is the point? I can't afford to get my hair cut. I wore a skirt to work today because you can't wear the same outfit to work two days in a row. I only have two work pants, and one is in the laundry basket.

This is me, stuck. Oh yes, I should be grateful for the daily bread. Can bread turn into words? Oh dear Lord, may I exchange the daily bread for term papers?

blog writing

寫字是一種習慣。每天寫是一種恆心。

爸送了我一台新的筆電。11吋，電池效能很好，輕巧的一台讓我可以隨時用打字的方式記錄事情。網路的訊息很豐富，更需要有效的管理。

這學期很忙，但是我希望自己可以有把事情都做好。

the bowling alley

first three were hit

then two more down

third time went into the ditch

later missed all

.

.

.

.

finally stroked all

then it ended. Round Two. Next Life.

This summer, everything was out of place

我站在這裡，一杯一杯，我陪你喝。但明天醒來，你依舊悲傷，我依舊只能站在這裡。我帶不走，你的悲傷，即使我願意。

我知道你悲傷，但我無奈。我能站在這裡，但無法帶走你的悲傷。我願意，但無法替你悲傷。

我知道明天起來可能有點頭痛，我知道這是暑假的最後一天。

這個暑假，八成的事情都go wrong。剩下的兩成是什麼? Seriously，可能是都有搭到飛機吧。

每天每天，都過著一杯兩杯的生活。紅的、白的；葡萄、水果。

終於暑假要過完了。可以還給我了嗎?

喜歡，有點飄的感覺。

I am losing it. Tipping off the balance, I am there.

But I like it there. Just give me one more day, of this disoriented day.

Tomorrow, the couch goes back to a pumpkin. Then Fall comes and let is snow.

Why, did things stand there and burned?

像是人財兩失一般

經過了兩週的no pretend，發現生活並沒有變簡單。這樣的結果真像是人財兩失。現在想想，難道我有天真到以為放任心情不好就能使生活變如意嗎?

鳥事沒有減少，生活的壓力一般大。上週熱浪來襲，每天都要四十度。家裡的溫度計飆高到32度是常態，窗戶關起來反而比較涼。終於在星期日下午下了一場大雨，帶走了溫度。小綠眼一週都在煩惱學生工作簽證和台灣家裡的事情。國際學生辦事處都會告訴學生，在學生工作簽證還沒有下來前不要出境；即使有學生工作簽證，也最好有「適當」工作再離境。所謂「適當」工作是什麼? 這個認定非常的不明確，基本上這工作要是正當的，與所學相關的。簡單來說就是要能讓海關覺得你不是在找機會滯留美國，而且讓你入境是有必要的。這樣就非常的random阿。

小綠眼的學生工作簽辦的有些不順利。包括去郵局寄一份相關的文件就花了3小時的時間，一度讓我擔心郵件寄丟了，後悔自己沒有用UPS而相信美國郵局。週五因為沒有學生簽證，但是又有可能需要離開美國，而開車去學校辦事情。開車是因為天氣熱，節省時間。結果被開了一張42美元的停車罰單。收到罰單連要去申訴的力氣都沒有。這樣的鳥事排山倒海的來，伴隨著炎熱和潮濕的空氣，真希望時間可以停止。

 

就這樣虛度了一個週末。

 

接著，家人又跟我說健身房打電話去家裡。出國前，我把健身房的約給暫停。現在發現這幾年可能都用不到了，想要完全停約。打了電話，櫃台說要等週一經理上班才可以處理，叫我留email，經理會跟我聯繫。我心裡想，我相信你會跟我聯繫，大概100年之後吧。又有一天在無意義的焦慮中度過。

 

讓我回到精力充沛的生活吧。漫畫流浪者說大便本來就會發生。這樣說是沒錯。現在想想在農場的時候，每天的勞動使得沒有力氣想很多有的沒的，或許那就是為什麼生活比較有活力又覺得能過得下去的原因。想太多本身不能改變事情，自己才可以吧。

 

Maybe…

This is the kind of life I live…

我幫自己剪了頭髮，不是因為我很厲害，是因為我不想也無法花$50元去mall給設計師剪，可是我又不相信路邊的$15元可以剪出一個叫髮型的東西。用個經濟學的說法，就是那邊際效用不等於邊際成本。所以我自己照著鏡子剪了一個像是"羽毛剪"的髮型，但事實上那只是看不到後面和旁邊所以隨便打薄的結果。

 

I hate it. I literally hate Baltimore

清晨

早上五點四十五

滴水聲。對街在開冷氣。

垃圾車開過去。

人們在上班的途中

我泡了咖啡，點了蠟燭，坐在吧檯桌上

晃著。

規劃要事情

想著。

生活很像很快樂

無可避免的

生活其實很孤單

朋友不是沒有

是沒有對的感覺

我們是被現實主宰

i have decided not to pretend for a while

So far, I try not to complain about the THIS, and look at things from the BRIGHT side or the GOOD side.

Enough!!!

This is the life I have:

I want a pet cat because they are good company and they make me happy. Problem? I can't afford it. I can't afford to pay for the food and cat litter. So no cat.

I am not a fan of socializing. Seriously, shoot me in the head. But I move to a nice, cozy, everyone complimented apartment so that I can establish networks and have friends. PRETEND. Seriously.

My boss have this project that I don't think make sense. Does she give a damn about the methodology of the study? Not from a non-economics perspective. THIS is research we are talking about. Shouldn't we put efforts into studies that are worthwhile and contribute to the society not just STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT?

Three points. I'll stop now.

I should make a wish list.

if i pretend

If I pretend that I can make it, that I can do it, long enough, will one day I could to stop pretending?

Is it an illusion that I am capable of going through each day, still alive?

Is the lack of quality sleep an indicator that my mind is a mess?

Are the dreams of people from places that would never meet a sign that this supposedly new phrase is giving me way too much pressure.

Am I the only few people who receive craps and shits on a regular basis?

Breath. Inhale. Exhale.

an email that i didn't send

I suppose you are surprise to see my email without a Re on the subject line. I can't remember the last time we spoke. An actually conversation that was not forced by my husband because he claimed that I should say a proper goodbye, which I thought was a terrible lunch.

I suppose you don't think I am apathy and a bitch for doing what I did. Perhaps you still don't understand why I had to do it. Do I resent myself for doing so? Probably not. Do I think about what I did and try to mend it. Yes. Am I progressing? No.

So what is the point of me writing an email?

I don't know. I think I just got to this point that I feel like I have to write something to you but then can't really hit the send. One'd say, but the person will see it anyhow because this person actually visits your blog, duh! Yeah, I am aware of that, but perhaps this person won't recognize it given that I am a nut.

I remember the why. Repeatedly, I ask myself if I can change myself to sort of accommodate. I can't. Maybe because I am afraid and think that it might not change anything in the end. So I don't want to take a risk. Yes, I admit.

I do think about this, maybe more often than I want to.

Another phrase

Okay 所以我承認new phrase 很 cliché，我根本不是一個陽光的人，所以新的開始巴拉巴拉只是一種disguise。

不過真的是一個new phrase。六月我到了農場當了三個禮拜的農夫，那是人生中最快樂的一段時間。勞力的付出和體力的消耗很satisfying。但是我去了第一天就覺得那地方實在有點怪，到了第三天我已經想離開。可是我直到了有一個100度的星期四，我才終於想通為什麼我無法繼續做下去。那時，我才覺得我可以離開了。我把事情想清楚了。

六月底，我開始搬家。搬離了那個老鼠窩，到了downtown一個叫做Mt. Vernon的區。有很多舊建築、餐廳、酒吧(沒有脫衣舞廳)、住家、畫廊、藝術小店。新家布置得很舒適，沒去過舊家的人可能會以為這就是我們的風格。不，我們也曾住過老鼠窩。

七月：跟著大陸老師做中國大躍進時代飢荒和經濟發展的研究，以及做農場決策和經營的經濟回顧。然後優閒的過生活。

下一學期，我有一份full time的研究工作。每週20個小時。我預計要修三門三學分的課，一門一學分的獨立研究。我需要開車上學。還有我要準備明年畢業的找工作。

see, new phrase