5樓之2

5樓住著一對年輕的夫婦。男主人每天早上鬧鐘會固定響三次：6:50、7:00、7:10。

 
他家的貓跟鬧鐘一樣準時。每天鬧鐘響第二次時，女主人就會起床看一下貓，倒一點飼料，對他喵幾聲，然後烤麵包和泡咖啡。有時他們早上也會喝豆漿，但是不大喝鮮奶。大約在7:20的時候，女主人就會去請她先生起床，她會說：小寶，起床了，等下來不及了。然後貓就會聽到男主人恩恩ㄚㄚ的幾聲。在先生盥洗刷牙的過程，太太就替他挑好了當天要穿的襯衫、褲子、和襪子。接下來他們會一起吃早餐，或是太太會倒在沙發上瞇一下眼，或是去幫貓換水。

貓早上會在家裡逛來逛去，之後她就去睡覺了。大多的時候她睡在自己陽台的房間，只有少數時候他會睡在客廳。

等先生去出門後，太太接著去招呼貓咪。貓咪不會刷牙，但是塗一些潔牙凝膠在牙齒上，讓她自己去舔。接著把貓在半夜的尿尿和便便挖起來，把陽台的地用小掃把掃一掃。

如果那天冰箱是空的，太太會隨意的套一件上衣和破爛的牛仔褲去500公尺外的傳統市場買菜。她會騎腳踏車，她已經很久沒有走路去市場了。有時她會問問大樓的保全需不需要幫他買早餐或是食材。

大樓的保全一直以為太太已經30歲了。這樣的描述讓大家啼笑皆非。事實上，有時太太長的像大學生，少數時候她打扮得漂亮出門，大多的時候她穿著邋遢，而且頭髮凌亂沒有整理。曾經有一次中午，夫婦倆要去和久不見面的朋友吃飯。那天太太穿了件裙子，頭髮胡亂地用造型品抓一抓，配上一雙低跟的絨布皮鞋。保全沒有認出她，以為是哪一家新搬來的住戶。其實很多人都不知道，那位太太的專長之一是變身。

Late fall/early winter pool

karma is a bitch

I went through the Drafts and saw this. I don't remember when I wrote it. I know whom I was referring to. It is funny still.

* * *

A few years ago, a distant friend made a comment about studying overseas. That studying public health oversea is merely a dip in western ink. Such a sour grape comment.

Over the past few weeks, I read this friend's comments about the medical provider work environment in the country that he is practicing in.

I feel sad for him. And perhaps because I am holding the grudge for what he said, I don't empathy but indifferent with what he is going through.

Self-sufficient - revisit after 6 years

Out of the blue, I went through some old blog posts, and came across this one:
http://zaheeragreen.blogspot.com/2008/05/self-sufficient.html

Six years after the initial post, I am still on the path to become self-sufficient. How far have I come?

Honestly, I don't know (and I should really be getting ready for work).

But I wanted to make a note on this paragraph:

"Self-sufficient is a protection against all emergencies - financial, emotional, physically. Frankly, I don't know how to deal with Microsoft problems because I use an Apple. However, I have good friend who can help me and if time go real bad, I can send it to fix because I can afford it. Of course this is not the best scenario, but then again, I know how to do other things: I know how to turn a 'raw and live' fish into a 'dead and eatable' dish, I know how to 'chop chicken into pieces', I know how to 'paint a house and walk on the ladder', and I know how to dress myself, seduce guys, and coax them."


Seriously, I found this funny. I no longer use Apple and still don't know how to fix Microsoft problems. I do know how to filet a strip bass, cut a whole chicken, and paint TV stands. I am much better at dress in my style. I do NOT know how to seduce guys. I do get favors sometimes if I act sweetly.


Self-sufficient: an exercise, revisiting it six years later.

It's what you do that makes you brave

"What you feel doesn't matter in the end, it’s what you do that makes you brave." Andre Agassi


On a random Facebook post, I came across this quote from Andre Agassi. "It's what you do that makes you brave." I can't say I was "enlightened," but reminded that, it's about what we do with the feelings, and not just the feelings themselves.


I spend a fair amount of time, constantly, dissecting feelings: fear, annoyance, irritations, anger, unexpected happiness...By knowing the cause of a feeling, I will be able to isolate out factors that triggered the feeling, and make a decision or judge a situation. I'm hopefully, that by doing so, the decision is made with reason and logic, not instinct and intuition.


By doing so, I'm more likely to not take things personally. And by not taking things personally, I feel (again) more controlled of my environment. I wouldn't be hurt as easily because I know it wasn't personal.


Over the years, I've became extremely sensitive to subtle facial expression and body language change. I often get nervous when the reaction was not anticipated. I cannot always interpret them correctly, and likely to ponder on reactions for a prolong period of time. There was an article that showed pictures of people's eyes and asked readers to interpret their emotions. I came to the conclusion that the exercise is "culturally specific." The eyes reflect cultures and backgrounds of people (duh). The bottom line is this reading skills need learning and practice.


Back to feelings and feeling feelings: it what you do that makes you brave. This is all that matters. At the end of the day, it is about moving forward in life, despite the twists and turns.

Happy Hour with coworkers

Last night I went to a happy hour with some co-workers. It was a department sponsored event and managers expected attendance. I was tired and didn't want to go, but I went. I went because I know networking is part of the job. I know that if nothing else, I get a free drink or two. But really, I went because I don't want to be the team player when co-workers refer as: she comes in, does her job, and get paid.

I went, and I talked to one co-worker who is leaving the company for a consulting firm in NY. He shared his observations on the lack of support in this department; leadership style, and his manager; that he likes to build things, make changes. And finally he asked me - what's your ideal job, what do you want to do if? And said to work towards that goal.

Then I talked to Kevin and told him how I was upset over a recent promotion of another co-worker. That the rumor (and I believed, too) that a recent job posting that senior management shared with the department was earmarked for a specific person. I personally thought the fact that management shared the posting (due to annual feedback) to show that she is responsive to feedback, but the position was intended for a specific person was stabbing her team members in the back. But Kevin said to me - I didn't apply for the job. So what do I care.

In all fairness, he is right. I didn't apply for the job, why do i care?

Then I hanged out with four guys - Kevin, Mike, Marc, and Greg. Greg said he has been here for a while and heard people's complaints. He said people think the world or workplace is fair, but it isn't. I said - if they want fairness, they should stay in school, and "maybe" it'll be fair. Then the conversation randomly went to education reform and how schools do not teach about the real world.

Mike asked if everyone wants another round and I originally said yes but later changed my mind. Mike came back with the beers, and saw my new Sperry Top Sider. He asked me where I got it and we had a small conversation on where I bought the shoes in Westport. He said his wife will love it. As I was about to leave, Mike said he'll buy me a drink.

I was like - okay...if a co-worker is willing to buy you a drink for you to stay and chat, I better say yes.

So I stayed. By then, most people had left and it was only me and the four guys.

Then Marc and Greg left.

And Mike asked me how long I have been in the U.S., and we talked about cultural difference. When I told him how a Caucasian man gets "adore" (or to an extreme, worship) in some Asian space, he was bummed, and kept saying he wants to move to China.

The guys also talked about the "80s" and I asked them - how old they were. Turned out they were all before the 80s. They must have thought that since I brought it up, they can ask what year I was born. So I told them, and they were all like - Whoa!

I told them how everything in the U.S. is a learning process. From how to file taxes to understand the English language (ham vs a ham vs the ham vs hams).

In very recent interaction with Kevin and Debbie, who lived in CT all their lives, I have learned that this is the "real America." That many of the things I go through and experienced are foreign. The truth is, I no longer feel like I can't be honest about how challenging it is for a foreign to compete and make a living here. I started to feel like, I'm part of this community and this is my experience. And because it is my experience, it has of equal value and importance to their American experience.

In all fairness, I was glad that I went. Because once and twice and third time of these gathering, and you gradually meet and know people. You build relationship and network. When I came here last year, I knew one people in CT. I started the life from scratch, but looking at what I have accomplished - to joke and drink beers with guys, have conversations, I moved along the path. It isn't as bad as I thought.

Happier?

Finally, this week is ending. July finally ended. The month was eventful to say the least, and hopefully, August will be better. Or not? Either way, at least I am more capable of tolerating it.

It is funny how the universe comes together in its own way and lends you a hand when you are ready. So as this week, my mind sort of regains the strength to keep my head up, I came across several pieces of reading that were encouraging. As I read through this piece on giving oneself credit for being happy, I thought how much progressed I've made over the years to "not be sad."


Here are 20 signs you are happier than you think:
1. Being happy is no longer a chore.
Cannot comment.

2. You no longer focus on your problems.
3. Your relationships are less dramatic.
True for the most part until very recently.

4. You no longer complain or blame others for your situations.
Practice being accountable.

5. Your dreams are coming true.
Little by little, maybe. Life is easier, sort of. More financially stable, too.

6. You know life isn't supposed to be hard.
I don't know. I think life is hard.

7. You like who you are, and you know you're doing the best you can.
I do like who I am, most of the times yes. And I am doing the best I can.

8. You smile often, even when you're alone.
9. You feel a sense of peace in your heart.
No, not for a while.

10. You see life as an adventure and are more comfortable in the unknown.
11. You don’t take yourself so seriously.
12. You feel your feelings and allow yourself to work through them.
Yes - this one I do very well. I learned to recognize my feelings, accept them, and work through them. The most important key is to find out why I am having the feeling and it isn't a feeling I want to experience moving forward, how do I avoid the situation. 

13. You lean into love more than fear.
14. You're more comfortable in silence.
Many times, yes.

15. You're kind to yourself with your thoughts.
I try.

16. You allow people to be who they are instead of trying to change them.
Yes! 

17. You don’t take things personally. You know it isn't about you.
For the most part, yes.

18. You give without expecting anything in return.
Yes.

19. You take risks with your heart.
I do. Comicrover said I try so hard. 

20. You don’t settle.
This is a fine line...

tiny step

I felt a bit better after the blog was refreshed, picture was changed, and the previous cheesy title "Second Chance" was taken down. I seem to find myself an exit for my pouring emotions.

On Friday, after sipping glasses of picpoul de pinet, I started texting C. Knowing that he is up in the mountain somewhere in West Virginia, and won't see the messages until Sunday, not really gave me the courage, but more like the peace to tell him my thoughts and feelings. I cannot be interrupted in my thoughts if he cannot reply simultaneously.

I was a bit tipsy, too.

It's became harder for me to tell people my internal thoughts. Not because some of them could be mine or inappropriate, but that - what good comes out of this communication. I've learned from yesterday of self-examination and retrospects, that you don't have to say everything on your mind. I guess it is like - be an effective communicator.

But this thing with C, I was so sick of it. I pondered about what to say and to be eloquent and be nice. I tried not to speak with anger and use structural and not emotional sentences. It was emotionally draining. In the end, I sent 20ish messages and I told him:

he was being selfish; I'm not sure who I am to him; I don't trust him; I don't trust myself; I was naive.
It was disrespectful. I let him hurt me. I disagree with his father's "Only I can hurt me" this crap.

On Sunday, he texted back to say he saw them, thank you for sharing, and he understand it could be difficult for us to be friends. And asked if I want the answers.

I don't know if I want the answers.
What good will the answers bring me.

* * *

This hurt me so deeply because C has became my friend. Someone I deeply trust and could be comfortable around. Unlike the other folks we've been hanging out with lately, I get to be me. There was no purpose other than being friends. I invested in the time and it's like I get nothing in return. I lost all my investment. I like the diversity and another view in life as well. Friends we hang out with lately are homogeneous in professions and past experience. C was different and I really enjoyed it.

And now, what is now?

in the midst of fog - on being alone

I am willing to bet that no one really reads my blog. My recipes, alcohol making, and other handicrafts documentary are far from interesting and useful. Perhaps, it could be save to assume that I can go on and about my deeply troubled mind without intruders and offenders.

The year has been horrific. In July alone, the up and downs of life events torn me. I joke to myself that the reason to start running again, putting the miles in (11 this week, more than the past three months combined), is to anesthetize the pain. That if the muscle soreness and breathless moments outweigh the sorrows and hurting from daily life, I will stop paying attention to them.

It is not yet working, but it just might.

It is loneliness that is bothering me. I have felt solitude but never ever lonely. Yet somehow, somehow, I started to feel lonely. I yarn for the time when I made peace with myself. To find meaning and joy in life, with whatever I have around me. Yet, today I have more than the past years, and ever more empty.

It is as if I plan events to fill up my days but I am not there when I am there. My mind is elsewhere but where? It is a sense of isolation but ever more hoping to connect to people around me. Be trying hard perhaps too hard, to fill the missing piece of my soul. As cheesy as this sounds, this is how I feel.

Perhaps the running is to make me stronger. That I'm sick of the weak and the dependence. That enduring the pain will make me stronger. The pains are my shields to the life around me.

If it hurts enough, maybe I will not feel the woes.

recharging through alone time

After so many weekends of hanging with people going to places doing things, I "took the day off" from friends, families, and obligations to spend the day alone. What felt really good was I had turned down others invitations and did something for myself. It wasn't as if I didn't have friends to meet or things to do, but instead, I choose to do this for myself. And this was important.

I started the day by a 7.5 mile run in Southport. Then I went to the library and picked up a few books and two DVDs. One of the book that I picked up was Adventures of Huckberry Finn. K one day told me about a Mark Twain documentary on PBS. I was all of sudden intrigued.

I debated on going to Harkness State Park and Seaside Sanatorium at Waterford or the art galleries at New Haven. The former is great for taking photography; the latter is great for learning photography. I choose the latter.

I was deeply disturbed by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner (1914)'s Girl in White Chemise. The more I thought about it, the more I feel uncomfortable. The girl with a almost half naked back, on grass with flowers (i.e., garden), on her belly...